Linky love

Today this article is making me feel better. Not because I needed to be told this, but because there's somebody else who thinks it, and says it very well. Thank you Michael Carey.

Kneejerks

Last night boyfriend #2 and I were talking about relationships, and he was talking about people he has loved and still loves, and misses. I had this total kneejerk reaction of "am I on that list of people he loves?", and it distracted me for a minute or two from what he was actually saying. Then I pushed it aside. And then I realised that in this conversation I had talked at length about two people who have been incredibly important to me, and still have a huge impact on my emotions and thinking. And boyfriend #2 had listened and responded and not seemed at all jealous. Maybe he was, and just didn't say anything. I certainly didn't say anything about my kneejerk reaction.

My point in telling him more about those relationships was to share a part of myself with him, and his point in talking about the people he has been missing was the same. We can comfort each other in the knowledge that we understand what it's like to still love someone who is far away or unavailable to us. And yet: kneejerk. Why does that shit happen? Was it really just exactly a kneejerk - over in a moment? I'm not still worrying about it. I'm relatively confident of my place in his affections. But why did it happen?

See (gross generalisation incoming), monogamous folk tend to 'get over' a love when they move on to a next relationship. Because there's this idea that you can't maintain the headspace and the emotional space needed for an intimate romantic relationship if you're still filling that space with someone else. Now, obviously, for poly people that's a different story. No shortage of space. Which is not to say it's impossible for us to stop being in love with someone. Merely that we don't have to. I am still in love with an amazing man I met 22 years ago and who I see about once every three years if I'm lucky. I'm still in love with my husband, who I will shortly no longer be married to. I'm still in unrequited love (romantically speaking) with the woman who is my best friend who I get to speak to once every six months, maybe. I miss them all, all the time. If you're romantically involved with me, you can't help knowing that. And I can't help knowing that both my girlfriends are in love with their primary partners, and so on. And we're all fine with that. But we all pretty much grew up in a culture that is monogamous, and were indoctrinated with the 'rules' of monogamy. Which (generalising again) are that you should be 'over' one relationship before moving on to the next, and that it's somehow rude to share your feelings about your previous partner with your current partner.

So I think that's where my kneejerk came from. Objectively and, actually, emotionally, I know exactly where boyfriend #2 was coming from. And I loved being able to talk with him about that. I just had this teeny kneejerk moment where every romantic movie I've ever watched said I should want to be 'the one' who changed how he felt about love. Well, bollocks to that. Kneejerk is now exorcised. Thanks for listening.

Poly Playdate

We've fallen into a semi-routine of having what girlfriend #1 calls 'poly playdate'. She and her partner have yet to attend, as they're always being cool and going to interesting places. But they're booked for the next one (are you taking notes, girlfriend?). So it's me (obvs), boyfriends 1 & 2, girlfriend #2, #2's partner, and sometimes my kids and other friends. We have lunch, chat, laugh, catch up. As we don't often have dates all together (apart from the triad dates, which don't include everyone), our other partners don't get to see us interacting that often. So, for example, #2's partner sees her in specific situations with boyfriend #2, but not that much in social situations, and not that often when I'm also around. He hardly ever sees just her and I together, because we tend to have dates when none of the boys are around. Boyfriend #1 also doesn't get to see me with them very often.

I'll get to a point. Two points, actually. First one is: we can get jealous of another partner when we imagine that our partner's relationship with them is somehow 'better' or 'more' than our own. Communication helps to lighten this. But the easiest way to feel better about it is to see them interacting with the other partner and understand that, though their relationship may have slightly different patterns, the one you love isn't some whole other person with them. It's reassuring. You're not missing out on some special part of your partner that this other person gets.

Second point is that, despite knowing the above, I always feel slightly odd when more than one of my romantic partners is around. Like: who do I kiss now, who gets special attention, who might be hurt if I give that other partner a quick kiss as I head to the kitchen? It's kind of silly, but it's also, for me, a throwback to a time when I was with a partner who didn't want to see any evidence of other romances, even if he knew that I was romantically involved with someone else who was actually at that social occasion. But (hooray!) spending this time together in a relaxed way has helped me to feel a whole lot less awkward about that. And let's face it, there's nothing to make shit awkward like actually feeling awkward to start with. You tend to botch by overcompensating.

And, of course, I get to spend a bit of time with the partners of people I love, getting to know them better and checking in on how they're doing. That's really important for me. Plus, food, wine, and I am blessed with a really hilarious group of partners so it's a laugh a minute.

Poly play date is not for everyone. Some people don't really want to know their partner's partner's, or hang out with them. But I can highly recommend it, even infrequently, because it's a wonderful way to smooth those all-important channels of communication.

Because I know what went through some of your minds when you read the blog title: yes, there is a whole different kind of poly play date that's a little less PG. And I'll talk about that some time.

Throw me some comments, kids. I need feedback or I'll just keep blathering on and not know whether I'm making any sense at all....

It's a grumpy day

Sometimes I get quite tired of being a grown-up.

That's all.

In love with love

There's a sort of accepted story about there being a point in any monogamous relationship where either or both partners realise this is getting pretty committed and have a moment of panic because they'll never again have a first kiss or that ridiculous feeling where you are actually falling for someone. It's not without truth. Disney chemicals do all sorts of fun things to your brain. When you meet someone new and have a crush or fall in love, you spend days or weeks feeling like you're starring in your very own high school musical. It's truly annoying for those around you, but it's a fantastic high. And those are actual real chemicals whooshing around your body, and they don't tend to be triggered by that same partner five years down the line, when nothing about each other is new any more.

Of course, if you're poly, no problem. You get to kiss new people, nurture crushes and fall in love whenever the right opportunity arises. And I'm sure that for some people this is the main attraction. Addicted to love.

The thing you learn, if you pay attention, is that there is no greener grass. Because there's also a sort of accepted story about how couples who have been together for some time inevitably reach a point of considering what might have happened if they'd phoned that beautiful woman, or accepted that dinner invitation, or left the party with Bob instead of Jack. A sort of nebulous discontent. I really don't think this happens to everyone. But I also think anyone who says they are never ever bored of their partner, or just slightly regretful they didn't travel more or take that job in the other city because it would have harmed the relationship, are lying. We all have moments. It's human nature. And you can feel that way about a partner, or perhaps more about your life, whether you're poly or mono or your partner is your great-aunt's aspidistra. If you're poly, though, you do know that another partner, a different pair of lips kissing yours, isn't going to change that relationship. In fact, delightfully, it doesn't have to. You don't have to let go of someone you love and have built a life with to bring something new into that life. If you're lucky, it'll be something that is good and exciting for both of you. At the least, you'll grow and learn new things, and you get to bring that back to your partner and of course that invigorates things. Or it can.

Last night I had a date with boyfriend #2. We went to dinner. While we were there I heard from boyfriend #1, who was clearly not having a great night. We went over to hang out with him. Had a couple of drinks. Chatted. Laughed. Then we left, because I was tired and it was late. When we got home, there was a message from boyfriend #1 saying thanks for the visit, he felt so much better. I can't tell you how happy it makes me that I got a date night and got to take care of my other partner, and we were all comfortable and had a good time. I feel very lucky. And I have a bunch of disney chemicals going on (even though technically I'm over that phase in both relationships) because it just felt so good to be in this space with them both. My grass is freaking green, folks.

Intro and Background

NOTE: I'm holding this post at the top because it's kind of the intro. All posts after this one appear in reverse order of posting (i.e. most recent first).

I should have kept a journal. I didn’t, obviously. I began to understand my poly nature some five years ago. I found support and help online from many sites and forums, for which I am eternally grateful.  I found friends and, ultimately, lovers, in an excellent local support group. My marriage ended, and my secondary partner became my primary. I believed for some time that I had found my loves and had not the space for more. It is my own nature to be best at relationships with those I love. I am a good friend, I believe, and I enjoy having friends who are also occasional playmates, but, while being poly, with poly partners, facilitates this, it is not what poly is for me. I am of the kind who wants the depth of knowing my partner’s sleep patterns, favourite sloppy jersey and the mannerisms they hide until you’re as comfortable to them as that sloppy jersey. I want family.

I was married for twelve years. Am still married as at this writing, as our two-year separation hasn’t yet quite culminated in the divorce (though that is very much in process). I have been with my current primary boyfriend for about four years, with my girlfriend for around five years, and with my other boyfriend for about 8 or 9 months. I have another girlfriend, as I am in a triad with boyfriend number 2 and the girl he met just before I met him. I am out to my children (as poly and bi), to most of my friends, to my brother but not to my parents. And yes, my marriage dissolved not entirely as a result  of but certainly in relation to my being poly. And yes, that hurts. Because I still do very much love my husband, and I do often wish I were not poly, so that I could be with him.

As I said, I found much information, support and help from online and local sources. I also found, and increasingly find, that not all of the information makes sense to me. Or perhaps it’s that the things I am concerned about are not covered. Or perhaps it’s that a lot of the online poly support is coming from the States, and I am in another country where we are a little different in our approach. Or something. And so I thought perhaps if I ramble away online a bit, someone, somewhere, may find these ramblings of use. I hope you do. I hope some of it may be of use even if you are not poly. Relationships are relationships, whether you do one at a time or many. Poly simply requires of us more communication and self-examination, which allows us to more clearly formulate our thoughts on those relationships.

Welcome, then. Let’s talk.

But what does it *feel* like?

I feel like I need to try and explain being poly somehow. I mean, I don't feel obligated or anything. I am what I am. I don't have to explain it to expect respect. But I would like more people to understand and respect poly people, and hope that for people who are considering poly for themselves I can be of some help. Sooo.... this might be a meandering and ultimately confusing post, but let's give it a go.

Firstly: the way I feel, the things I believe and my personal practices are my own. I will try to point out how some other poly people I know or whose work I've read may differ from or support my own views, but pretty much these are my own views. I would encourage the curious to read as many poly blogs and faqs as you can find.

Secondly, and super-importantly: I do not think polyamory is "better" than monogamy, polygamy, polyandry or your great-aunt Muriel's slightly dubious relationship with her aspidistra. I tend not to be a fan of polygamy as practiced in many countries, including my own, because it can perpetuate gender imbalances and create abusive situations. As a concept practiced among informed and mutually consenting adults, polygamy is not evil. No relationship style that is consensual and strives for honesty is evil, or wrong, or better than any other.

It is perfectly possibly to choose a poly lifestyle because it is philosophically attractive and/ or practically expedient. In the first case, many people are drawn to poly because they reject notions of 'ownership' over their romantic partners. In the second, I know a number of people who first explored poly because they were in long distance relationships, which they didn't want to end but which were unable to provide for their day-to-day needs. The point is, it's not like you're born under some mystic star and that's why you're poly.

And yet. And yet for me that's exactly how it feels. When I first started reading about poly, years of feeling confused, depressed, unable to properly manage relationships, suddenly became illuminated. I had berated myself for not finding "enough" from the people I'd been with. I'd struggled with the fact that I always seemed to be in a relationship, even when I felt I needed some singleton time. I'd found myself again and again developing "intense" friendships that went beyond what was expected of me when I was in another relationship. All of these things confused and upset me. When I started to understand that it's ok that my brain and heart are drawn to multiple relationships, so much changed. I felt stronger and more secure in myself. I was able to self-examine, try to understand myself and my motivations, and try to explain them better to those I care about. I was able to be more open to talking about relationship issues and problems without being on the defensive. I'd avoided all of these things before because I felt that I was at heart a bad person. I'm not. I may be different to you, or to other people. I may approach things in a different way. But I put a great deal of time, effort and love into my relationships, just as someone in a monogamous relationship would. Maybe more, because I'm very aware now of what it takes. You can't be lazy about relationships when you're poly. You shouldn't be lazy about relationships, no matter how you do them. Being active in my relationships can be tiring sometimes, but part of being active means I get to acknowledge that.

Let me illustrate that so it makes more sense. One thing I do is message both boyfriends and both girlfriends at least twice a day. Usually I say good morning to everyone (once I'm functionally awake), and I say goodnight before I go to bed. I'm also available to any of them if they need to message or talk to me during the day. Sometimes, I'm just tired, and emotionally overloaded, and even the good morning message feels like too much for me. I take a deep breath, and then make sure they all know how I'm feeling. Quick message. Like: "Sorry darlings. I'm exhausted and it's a busy day. Don't be expecting too much from me." And (surprise!) not only do they not feel neglected by my unavailability, I get a lot of support and love to help me replenish my energy supplies. Win! (BTW: I don't *always* do this. I make mistakes. Sometimes I'm sulky or in a really bad mood and I just leave my phone in my room or something. But I know it's better for me, and for those I care about, if I work to get it right.)

Yeah, this post is totally meandering all over the place. But I'm ok with it for now. Hitting publish.

Day-to-day - or: what's preoccupying me right now

I cancelled a night away tomorrow night. Now, I have an arrangement with boyfriend #2 and girlfriend #2 that if I'm not going to be there, and when girlfriend #2's partner is at home, they use my home so they can have some alone time. I just messed up a plan for that by changing my plans for this weekend. I'll be home on Saturday night, as will my kids. Here's what's going around and around in my mind:

1. I feel bad. I know they're going to want some time together and I can't facilitate that.
2. I know I shouldn't feel bad. They both understand the circumstances, and they both make it clear that they appreciate my sharing my space when I can.
3. I'm afraid that girlfriend #2 will be angry or upset with me for setting this back. 
4. I know that's a stupid thing to be afraid of. Of course she won't. But I am still.
5. I also know that they had a lot of time when her primary was away and they were able to spend time at her place. And that when her primary is here they've often stayed at my place, so one time it gets messed up isn't a train-smash.
6. I still feel bad.
7. I worry that girlfriend #2 will want to change the rest of the weekend plans, which otherwise work out quite well for me.
8. But I miss girlfriend #2, who I don't see often enough, so then I think maybe a triad night would be fun for all of us.
9. But then when will each of us have individual time with the boyfriend?
10. We still don't actually know if boyfriend #2 can come to town this weekend, so all of this could be moot.
11. When am I actually going to spend time with boyfriend #1, who may or may not be working the whole weekend? How is that a potential spanner in the works?

This is all kind of silly, you'll agree. But this is what's occupying my thoughts today. And yes, I will definitely talk about jealousy at some point. I'm imagining some of you going: "wait, what? You are cool with your boyfriend having another girlfriend is one thing, but having them stay in your house? Do they sleep in your bed? How does this all work?" I'll get to that. Fear not.

EDIT; Yeah, he's not coming, so that solves that problem. So girlfriend #2 and I are going to have a date night instead. Sort of. Yay. Don't get nearly enough girlfriend date nights.

Time Management. Further thoughts.

There are a *lot* of tools on the market for time management. Because, obviously, needing to allocate time to things is not only the purview of the poly. Poly people talk about time management, and about these tools, often. There is a definite favouring of Google calendars. Perfectly simple idea, really - a shared calendar that allows everyone in a relationship group to see where the others are already booked up and where space might be available for a date or other activity. I tried it. Set up my calendar all nice, filled in the set date nights, added any events I was planning on attending, shared it with the boyfriends and girlfriend. Yeah. They looked at it once. I still try to keep it vaguely updated. Just in case.

The thing is this (besides general slackness, obviously): time management in poly relationships isn't only about scheduling. Because of the way I work, I actually want to be spending time with all of my partners all of the time. I don't feel comfortable partitioning people. But, you know, that doesn't always work, especially for more intimate activities. But there's also life, and how it's going for everyone. If my girlfriend is busy, as she often is, with studies, she's less available to see me. But then she'll have a gap, or we'll just get 'never mind the studies I miss you blues'. And then we have to spend time together. It's not always easy to schedule that. Or I might agree that boyfriend #2 should spend Saturday night with girlfriend #2, then realise that we all really need some time together, or her other partner may need her attention, or boyfriend #2 may not be able to get to town that weekend. I may schedule a camping trip with boyfriend #1 and have it cancelled at the last minute because he has to be at work. In all of these cases, people who were available for lovetime become not, or vice-versa.

And then there's just emotional stuff. For me, any time with any of my loves is wonderful. But of course, there'll be times when I really need some extra time with one of them, because they've been studying for weeks, or working long hours, or just because I'm feeling that way.

Ya see how Google calendar doesn't really sort that shit out for you? And in my case, the girlfriends are wonderful at organising and making plans, while the boyfriends rather like to have the plans made and then just arrive at the appropriate time. And let's not forget both girlfriends have other partners they have to include in their plans.

Isn't the poly life sounding like a great deal of fun? Actually, as long as everyone is on the same page in understanding these issues, we have so far managed pretty well. Just, we really don't fit into any of those nice templates I find on poly support sites for managing this sort of stuff. So I feel I'm bumbling along a lot of the time. Including this weekend.

Time management. Oh boy.

I'm going to jump around a lot, I'm afraid. I'll talk about what's concerning me or what I'm thinking about at the time. Sorry if that's confusing.

Right now, I'm at an interesting phase. When I met boyfriend #2... Eesh, I hate referring to them like this. But for now we'll stick with it, okay? I'll figure something out. So, when I met boyfriend #2 I had no idea I was going to fall for him and want something long-term. Less still that he'd feel similarly (and more on my insecurities about how he actually feels in a different post). And I knew he was planning to leave town some time this year. Consequently, boyfriend #1 had no problems allowing the extra time it would take to get to know this new guy, and see where it went. This was compounded by the fact that #2 could only really spend time with me on weekends. And so it began, and before we all knew it there was the triad (yeah, more on that... lots more on that, in upcoming posts), and my weekends were pretty much full. But always #2 was going to be leaving any day now. Then he did leave. Well. He said goodbye. It was pretty traumatic for all of us. We all, including he, thought he'd be gone for several months. And he will be, some time. Just, well... plans did not work out and now he is still here, and will be for a few months more, we think.

And now, here's the thing. For this whole year it's been like we were playing at this relationship. And at the triad. We were serious, are serious, about each other. We intend to continue. But he has things to do first. Except now that we've realised how we were just kind of living in a strange bubble, we can't do that any more. We have to treat things properly. I'm being kind of vague here. To illustrate: I had reached a point where I didn't believe he really wanted to be in a romantic relationship with me. I expected that when he returned we would turn out to just be friends. I didn't actually discuss this with him. I just decided that's what he was projecting. And I didn't want him to have to deal with a dramatic or upset girlfriend when he had to leave, so I just didn't say anything. And then he didn't leave, and so I told him how I felt. And I was wrong, it turns out. Quite wrong. Huh. Who'da thunk? And now we've had that conversation, including why I didn't tell him about it before. Things are different now.

Going back to boyfriend #1. He's a bit over the not seeing me on weekends and he's really had about enough of the disney chemicals (polyspeak for how you go gaga over someone new you're falling in love with). He wants to have reasonable weekend time with me, and he's absolutely right.

But, damnit, #2 is still actually going to be leaving. And it's still not that far off. Only now it's worse because now we're trying to build this relationship properly and not just shove the difficult bits under the rug. And he's still pretty much only available on weekends.

How do I do this, reader? Well, I'll keep you posted. Step 1 is a talk with the boys. Step 2 is to talk with the girlfriends, who also want my time; and of course girlfriend #2 wants boyfriend #2's time and attention as well (you see how this codename thing is going to be annoying very soon?). A very important step is not to feel that this is entirely my responsibility. That's too much for me to take on. Everyone has to speak up for their needs and wants, and help the rest of us to find ways to accommodate that. Otherwise it'll just land up with none of us really getting what we want. Ha! You see. Right there. Important poly tip. Know what you need and want and be prepared to speak up for it. (Caveat: don't be a dick about it though.)