So the girlfriend and I made a deal at the beginning of the year: Nobody new this year. Basically, this meant that since I'm already so stretched in the cutlery department, it would be unwise for me to add any new romances to my timetable. So, ok. Since Kenny of the Glitter Girls is not available, I'm good with this plan.
Also, I don't really have much time to go out other than on dates with my loves, so it seems unlikely I'm going to meet anyone new. Despite the fact that I'm apparently constitutionally unable to go to a bar and *not* pick up someone cute or interesting. I have so many random phone numbers in my phone I am practically a walking little black book. Anyway, I digress...
This rule does not extend to my loves, obviously. As we know, Boyfriend #1 has a recently New Girlfriend, and that's going slowly but well. Boyfriend #2 also has a new girlfriend. She lives in another city so it's a bit long-distance. And I have some issues around that because he sucked at long-distance when I met him but now it seems fine. Then again, I've seen a photo of her and she's cute enough to make some long-distance effort for.
So I gained a metamor, lost a metamor and gained another new metamor. All in the space of the last few months. Oh, and perhaps I should mention that all the other girlfriends are at least ten years younger than me. More, actually. And oh the fun my tricksy brain is having with telling me I'm too old and boring and chubby to 'compete' with these lovely young things. Jealousy is a sneaky sneaky bastard. I tell it that I know perfectly well I'm sexalicious and it reminds me that I'm still a little overweight. I tell it that I know I'm interesting and mature and an awesome girlfriend (most of the time) and it points out how I'm not that great at doing the cooking and maybe the boy(s) would like someone a little less, well, loud, around. I tell it that I trust my loves when they tell me they love me and always will, and I'm going to tell them clearly what my needs are so that I feel loved and wanted and not insecure. Then it shuts up. For a bit.
Ain't no easy way around the jealousy toad. But with good communication and healthy metamor relations, you can stomp that guy pretty good.
Have a glorious weekend, everyone. Stay safe, wherever you are.
PS: Yes, I'm in the heartland of xenophobia at the moment, but I can't even talk about it because it just makes me too fucking sad.
Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts
Friday, 17 April 2015
Monday, 15 December 2014
On jealousy
Jealousy. Oh boy. You know what made me jealous? Boyfriend #1 told me he'd discussed the decorating of his new house with his PNG. They had their first date. I wasn't jealous on or after the date, though I was having a slight personal meltdown and the time would have theoretically been very ripe for jealousy. I wasn't jealous when he told me what a lovely time he'd had, or how much he really does like her. I wasn't jealous when he told me that he hopes she's keen to take that P out of Potential New Girlfriend. (Not to make it Otential. Don't be silly, reader. <wink>) No. I got jealous when he told me, during a conversation about his new house, that he'd chatted to her about paint colour. I mean... Good grief. Plus, she's actually qualified to talk about interior design, so her opinion is actually valuable. It would be valuable anyway - she's very creative and has an eye for colour.
Yes, I do have a point. The point is that you don't know what's going to make you jealous. And it's usually not one of the obvious things. Most people assume they'll get jealous of a partner doing intimate physical things with someone else. Many people do experience that jealousy. Me, I'm weird about domesticity. I once got really pissed at a girl who was only just showing interest in #1, because she put his wallet and phone in her bag when we were all out somewhere. I always used to put it in my bag (still do - the man just will not get a bag of his own).
What you can do, and what I did, is look at what just happened when you had that spike of jealousy. What spiked it? Was it the tone of your partner's voice, the circumstances in which the spike occurred, or a reaction that is purely internal to you? Now, when I say that - jealousy pretty much is an internal thing. By and large, your partner is not doing things intentionally to make you jealous. If they are, it's time for a serious chat and possibly a relook at the relationship, because that kind of behaviour is toxic. So, assuming they're not, they're simply proceeding with other relationships that you are aware of, and presumably sticking to the agreements that you've both made around those relationships. If you have a jealousy spike, it's probably something in you. I hope you're following. I may be meandering.
When I got all freaky about the paint colour comment, I immediately recognised that as something not at all to do with #1 or PNG. It was to do with me. I'm ashamed to say I did not bite back the sarcastic comment that my jealousy brought straight out. But I did apologise immediately, and tell #1 what was going on. Then I thought about it a little, and we chatted. Obviously, it's that domesticity thing. I feel threatened when another relationship seems to be intervening in my personal space. Which is kind of hilarious, because I'm one of the few people I know who is completely happy to let my partners share my bed with other partners, even when I'm not there. That's a pretty personal space, let me tell you. Plus I'm a pretty dominant person, and nowhere more so than in my home. Even if I'm sharing that home with someone else. Domestic space is my refuge, and I need to feel very safe in it if I'm to get any r&r.
Oversharing makes my blog posts very long. I hope my point is coming across. I'm still working out what other points may create jealousy spikes for me, but now I'm even more aware that the home space, and certain other domestic, 'coupley' things, are important for me. Being aware of that means I can communicate it more effectively to my partners, and their partners, if necessary. Oh, I don't need to sit the lovely new girl down and chat with her about my weirdness. I just mean that I now know I can say to her 'Hey, I heard you have some nice ideas for the house. It's a bit weird for me because I'm oddly jealous about that kind of stuff, but actually I do really want to hear what you think.' And I'll mean it. I do want to hear it. And I probably won't get jealous at all. Because the thing about jealousy is, it's a monster under the bed. And when you switch the lights on, it turns out to be a dust bunny.
Yes, I do have a point. The point is that you don't know what's going to make you jealous. And it's usually not one of the obvious things. Most people assume they'll get jealous of a partner doing intimate physical things with someone else. Many people do experience that jealousy. Me, I'm weird about domesticity. I once got really pissed at a girl who was only just showing interest in #1, because she put his wallet and phone in her bag when we were all out somewhere. I always used to put it in my bag (still do - the man just will not get a bag of his own).
What you can do, and what I did, is look at what just happened when you had that spike of jealousy. What spiked it? Was it the tone of your partner's voice, the circumstances in which the spike occurred, or a reaction that is purely internal to you? Now, when I say that - jealousy pretty much is an internal thing. By and large, your partner is not doing things intentionally to make you jealous. If they are, it's time for a serious chat and possibly a relook at the relationship, because that kind of behaviour is toxic. So, assuming they're not, they're simply proceeding with other relationships that you are aware of, and presumably sticking to the agreements that you've both made around those relationships. If you have a jealousy spike, it's probably something in you. I hope you're following. I may be meandering.
When I got all freaky about the paint colour comment, I immediately recognised that as something not at all to do with #1 or PNG. It was to do with me. I'm ashamed to say I did not bite back the sarcastic comment that my jealousy brought straight out. But I did apologise immediately, and tell #1 what was going on. Then I thought about it a little, and we chatted. Obviously, it's that domesticity thing. I feel threatened when another relationship seems to be intervening in my personal space. Which is kind of hilarious, because I'm one of the few people I know who is completely happy to let my partners share my bed with other partners, even when I'm not there. That's a pretty personal space, let me tell you. Plus I'm a pretty dominant person, and nowhere more so than in my home. Even if I'm sharing that home with someone else. Domestic space is my refuge, and I need to feel very safe in it if I'm to get any r&r.
Oversharing makes my blog posts very long. I hope my point is coming across. I'm still working out what other points may create jealousy spikes for me, but now I'm even more aware that the home space, and certain other domestic, 'coupley' things, are important for me. Being aware of that means I can communicate it more effectively to my partners, and their partners, if necessary. Oh, I don't need to sit the lovely new girl down and chat with her about my weirdness. I just mean that I now know I can say to her 'Hey, I heard you have some nice ideas for the house. It's a bit weird for me because I'm oddly jealous about that kind of stuff, but actually I do really want to hear what you think.' And I'll mean it. I do want to hear it. And I probably won't get jealous at all. Because the thing about jealousy is, it's a monster under the bed. And when you switch the lights on, it turns out to be a dust bunny.
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
New girlfriends... Yeah, that's happening
So, I've been with boyfriend #1 for a while now. He's not had another girlfriend during this time. He dated someone for a bit when we were very first getting together, and I have to say I behaved like a crazy loon during that time. I try not to be too hard on myself. We were still trying to figure out what was going on with us, and I was trying to find my 'poly' feet. But I sucked at it.
When I got together with boyfriend #2 - when we started 'romancing', that is - he was getting together with girlfriend #2 at roughly the same time. So it was a 'package deal'. And though it was hard, because we were all kind of on a learning curve, I didn't get crazy loony.
Now let's be clear: I do get jealous. I get jealous of all sorts of things monogamous people will recognise, like whether my partner 'cares more' about another partner than about me, or whether the other partner is 'better at' certain things than I am. This kind of stuff doesn't bother me terribly though. I know it for what it is, and I can work through it (thanks to the awesome work and writing of a bunch of generous poly people who've provided tools for this kind of thing). I also know the difference between what I think of as 'trigger jealousy' (the stuff above) and 'problem jealousy' - where I'm getting a feeling of jealousy or insecurity because there's an actual thing going on that is problematic. A great example of this happened just the other day. Boyfriend #2 took a call from an overseas girlfriend right at bedtime, and I was asleep by the time he was done. It really bothered me. I felt he'd not respected our fairly limited time with each other. The solution in this case was super-simple. I told him how I felt and asked him not to schedule calls with other girlfriends during times like that. He said of course he was happy to do that. I could have stewed for days, but I took action, understood why it was bothering me, expressed my issue, and - what do you know? - we solved it. (Totes not blowing my trumpet - I surprised myself that I handled it that well at all.)
So. Boyfriend #1 might have a new girlfriend. Or be getting a new girlfriend. Or maybe they'll flirt a bit and just be really good friends. Neither #1 or I is completely sure how it's going to work out - mainly because it's very new and I don't think anyone is sure, including PNG (Potential New Girlfriend - which makes me happy because it references an obscure Dolly Parton song). Which is the way it should be. She only recently discovered that he's a guy she could like. She's already in a really great relationship with an awesome guy and, although they're extremely open and have been attending poly get-togethers for some time, they haven't identified as poly. Yet. Might not.
That's kind of beside the point though. Because that is in the future. Right now, boyfriend #1 has a silly grin and is being f*&ing adorably peppy. He's thrilled that putting himself out there a little bit and communicating with this gorgeous woman has actually resulted in her liking him. (I do keep telling him that is probably how it's generally going to work out, but he's wary.) He answers her texts (which, believe me, is quite something - he usually only answers texts from me or his boss, or in emergencies). He smiles when I mention her. He smiles a lot when she's around.
He's also been incredibly loving and caring towards me. He usually is, but lately he's been even more so. And I don't think it's a compensation thing. I feel like his happiness at this unexpected and lovely development is overflowing and I'm getting a benefit from it. And that is absolutely fan-bloody-tastic. Not just because I get the extra loving, but because I can feel how good he's feeling. It's tangible. And it's so wonderful to feel this coming from someone I love so much. It makes me happy. And that, kids is what the poly folks call compersion. I'm getting a high off his high. It's awesome.
I'm still totally worried that if this relationship goes somewhere further - which I'd welcome - I will find myself less kiff than I want to be. Basically I worry about turning into a loon because of my own insecurities (and, trust me, I am insecurity central). I might not be so great about the jealousy. I might interfere too much, because I'm used to boyfriend #1 relying on me in social situations. I might do what I did this weekend and just be dof - I sat around chatting to them both until *I* was tired and ready to go to bed, totally failing to realise they might want a little alone time to get to know each other. I might just worry too f*&ing much about whether she's ok and is handling things alright and whether her boyfriend (who I'm good friends with and care a great deal about) is cool and understands how much this whole thing is not just ok but awesome. I might feel the need to emote at them about that and make us all feel super-awkward.
Or, if I'm really lucky, now that I've shared it all with you - my sweet, hopefully not too confused by nicknames, readers - I'll have a bit of a handle on all those concerns, and I'll recognise them and deal with them in a mature and loving and respectful way when and if they arise. I guess I'll keep you posted. Wish us luck - PNG is really something special (as is her partner), and we want her in our lives for a long time, regardless of whether a romance pans out.
When I got together with boyfriend #2 - when we started 'romancing', that is - he was getting together with girlfriend #2 at roughly the same time. So it was a 'package deal'. And though it was hard, because we were all kind of on a learning curve, I didn't get crazy loony.
Now let's be clear: I do get jealous. I get jealous of all sorts of things monogamous people will recognise, like whether my partner 'cares more' about another partner than about me, or whether the other partner is 'better at' certain things than I am. This kind of stuff doesn't bother me terribly though. I know it for what it is, and I can work through it (thanks to the awesome work and writing of a bunch of generous poly people who've provided tools for this kind of thing). I also know the difference between what I think of as 'trigger jealousy' (the stuff above) and 'problem jealousy' - where I'm getting a feeling of jealousy or insecurity because there's an actual thing going on that is problematic. A great example of this happened just the other day. Boyfriend #2 took a call from an overseas girlfriend right at bedtime, and I was asleep by the time he was done. It really bothered me. I felt he'd not respected our fairly limited time with each other. The solution in this case was super-simple. I told him how I felt and asked him not to schedule calls with other girlfriends during times like that. He said of course he was happy to do that. I could have stewed for days, but I took action, understood why it was bothering me, expressed my issue, and - what do you know? - we solved it. (Totes not blowing my trumpet - I surprised myself that I handled it that well at all.)
So. Boyfriend #1 might have a new girlfriend. Or be getting a new girlfriend. Or maybe they'll flirt a bit and just be really good friends. Neither #1 or I is completely sure how it's going to work out - mainly because it's very new and I don't think anyone is sure, including PNG (Potential New Girlfriend - which makes me happy because it references an obscure Dolly Parton song). Which is the way it should be. She only recently discovered that he's a guy she could like. She's already in a really great relationship with an awesome guy and, although they're extremely open and have been attending poly get-togethers for some time, they haven't identified as poly. Yet. Might not.
That's kind of beside the point though. Because that is in the future. Right now, boyfriend #1 has a silly grin and is being f*&ing adorably peppy. He's thrilled that putting himself out there a little bit and communicating with this gorgeous woman has actually resulted in her liking him. (I do keep telling him that is probably how it's generally going to work out, but he's wary.) He answers her texts (which, believe me, is quite something - he usually only answers texts from me or his boss, or in emergencies). He smiles when I mention her. He smiles a lot when she's around.
He's also been incredibly loving and caring towards me. He usually is, but lately he's been even more so. And I don't think it's a compensation thing. I feel like his happiness at this unexpected and lovely development is overflowing and I'm getting a benefit from it. And that is absolutely fan-bloody-tastic. Not just because I get the extra loving, but because I can feel how good he's feeling. It's tangible. And it's so wonderful to feel this coming from someone I love so much. It makes me happy. And that, kids is what the poly folks call compersion. I'm getting a high off his high. It's awesome.
I'm still totally worried that if this relationship goes somewhere further - which I'd welcome - I will find myself less kiff than I want to be. Basically I worry about turning into a loon because of my own insecurities (and, trust me, I am insecurity central). I might not be so great about the jealousy. I might interfere too much, because I'm used to boyfriend #1 relying on me in social situations. I might do what I did this weekend and just be dof - I sat around chatting to them both until *I* was tired and ready to go to bed, totally failing to realise they might want a little alone time to get to know each other. I might just worry too f*&ing much about whether she's ok and is handling things alright and whether her boyfriend (who I'm good friends with and care a great deal about) is cool and understands how much this whole thing is not just ok but awesome. I might feel the need to emote at them about that and make us all feel super-awkward.
Or, if I'm really lucky, now that I've shared it all with you - my sweet, hopefully not too confused by nicknames, readers - I'll have a bit of a handle on all those concerns, and I'll recognise them and deal with them in a mature and loving and respectful way when and if they arise. I guess I'll keep you posted. Wish us luck - PNG is really something special (as is her partner), and we want her in our lives for a long time, regardless of whether a romance pans out.
Thursday, 23 October 2014
Kneejerks
Last night boyfriend #2 and I were talking about relationships, and he was talking about people he has loved and still loves, and misses. I had this total kneejerk reaction of "am I on that list of people he loves?", and it distracted me for a minute or two from what he was actually saying. Then I pushed it aside. And then I realised that in this conversation I had talked at length about two people who have been incredibly important to me, and still have a huge impact on my emotions and thinking. And boyfriend #2 had listened and responded and not seemed at all jealous. Maybe he was, and just didn't say anything. I certainly didn't say anything about my kneejerk reaction.
My point in telling him more about those relationships was to share a part of myself with him, and his point in talking about the people he has been missing was the same. We can comfort each other in the knowledge that we understand what it's like to still love someone who is far away or unavailable to us. And yet: kneejerk. Why does that shit happen? Was it really just exactly a kneejerk - over in a moment? I'm not still worrying about it. I'm relatively confident of my place in his affections. But why did it happen?
See (gross generalisation incoming), monogamous folk tend to 'get over' a love when they move on to a next relationship. Because there's this idea that you can't maintain the headspace and the emotional space needed for an intimate romantic relationship if you're still filling that space with someone else. Now, obviously, for poly people that's a different story. No shortage of space. Which is not to say it's impossible for us to stop being in love with someone. Merely that we don't have to. I am still in love with an amazing man I met 22 years ago and who I see about once every three years if I'm lucky. I'm still in love with my husband, who I will shortly no longer be married to. I'm still in unrequited love (romantically speaking) with the woman who is my best friend who I get to speak to once every six months, maybe. I miss them all, all the time. If you're romantically involved with me, you can't help knowing that. And I can't help knowing that both my girlfriends are in love with their primary partners, and so on. And we're all fine with that. But we all pretty much grew up in a culture that is monogamous, and were indoctrinated with the 'rules' of monogamy. Which (generalising again) are that you should be 'over' one relationship before moving on to the next, and that it's somehow rude to share your feelings about your previous partner with your current partner.
So I think that's where my kneejerk came from. Objectively and, actually, emotionally, I know exactly where boyfriend #2 was coming from. And I loved being able to talk with him about that. I just had this teeny kneejerk moment where every romantic movie I've ever watched said I should want to be 'the one' who changed how he felt about love. Well, bollocks to that. Kneejerk is now exorcised. Thanks for listening.
My point in telling him more about those relationships was to share a part of myself with him, and his point in talking about the people he has been missing was the same. We can comfort each other in the knowledge that we understand what it's like to still love someone who is far away or unavailable to us. And yet: kneejerk. Why does that shit happen? Was it really just exactly a kneejerk - over in a moment? I'm not still worrying about it. I'm relatively confident of my place in his affections. But why did it happen?
See (gross generalisation incoming), monogamous folk tend to 'get over' a love when they move on to a next relationship. Because there's this idea that you can't maintain the headspace and the emotional space needed for an intimate romantic relationship if you're still filling that space with someone else. Now, obviously, for poly people that's a different story. No shortage of space. Which is not to say it's impossible for us to stop being in love with someone. Merely that we don't have to. I am still in love with an amazing man I met 22 years ago and who I see about once every three years if I'm lucky. I'm still in love with my husband, who I will shortly no longer be married to. I'm still in unrequited love (romantically speaking) with the woman who is my best friend who I get to speak to once every six months, maybe. I miss them all, all the time. If you're romantically involved with me, you can't help knowing that. And I can't help knowing that both my girlfriends are in love with their primary partners, and so on. And we're all fine with that. But we all pretty much grew up in a culture that is monogamous, and were indoctrinated with the 'rules' of monogamy. Which (generalising again) are that you should be 'over' one relationship before moving on to the next, and that it's somehow rude to share your feelings about your previous partner with your current partner.
So I think that's where my kneejerk came from. Objectively and, actually, emotionally, I know exactly where boyfriend #2 was coming from. And I loved being able to talk with him about that. I just had this teeny kneejerk moment where every romantic movie I've ever watched said I should want to be 'the one' who changed how he felt about love. Well, bollocks to that. Kneejerk is now exorcised. Thanks for listening.
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