How Not to be a Dick

Darlings,  I wish I knew. It's a daily mantra for me: Don't be a dick. And and important one. One can't always avoid it. It's human nature, I'm quite sure, to be mostly selfish, relatively grasping, as manipulative as one can get away with, and generally a bit of a dick to other people as long as it's making us feel good. Being a grown-up - or some iteration thereof - means recognising those moments as often as possible and, relatively if not equally often, trying to not be said dick. Particularly tough moments arise when we are feeling vulnerable, or defensive. In poly life, you can guess, there are many opportunities for vulnerable and/or defensive moments.

Here are two useful pointers (useful to me, anyway).

1. You don't know what your partner is thinking. You may be convinced you do. You may know them so well that you can get a pretty good idea of what they're thinking. Still. Unless they say "this is what I think", and articulate their thoughts and/or feelings clearly and you confirm with them that you have understood what they said, you don't know. You have no idea. Don't behave as if you do. Especially don't be a dick because you think you know what they're thinking and it's making you feel vulnerable/defensive.
2. Your partner doesn't know what you're thinking. They're not a mind-reader. They also can't divine the content of conversation you've had with other partners, or your sister, or your bestie. If you haven't told them something directly, chances are they don't know it. Don't behave as if they do, or should. Don't be a dick because it makes you feel vulnerable or defensive to have to share stuff with them.

We are not mind readers. Communication is key. Yes, we get freaking tired of the constant talking about stuff, and having to repeat yourself three times because you have three partners and each of them needs to be properly filled in on why you are thrilled to bits or a sobbing mess is boring, but it's very very necessary.

Here endeth today's sermon.

Wow, it's been a while

I'm sorry I haven't written in forever, dear reader(s). Last year went .... well, pear-shaped is a kind description. Last year went for a ball of shit, frankly. I have many, many things to say about this. I had things to say all along, but there were a lot of emotions flying around and I wasn't sure if all of them were real emotions or some were just my brain messing with me because of stress. Some stuff I'm still not sure about. But I'm ready to start talking about it.

Last weekend I spent time with some wonderful old friends, and one of them reminded me of the reason I write this blog: if even one person can unravel the weirdness of being in a relationship with one or more other people a little more easily because of something I've said, I've contributed something good to the world. Or something.

So prepare to learn about The Answer to Why You Shouldn't Move in With All Your Romantic Partners; The Big Issue With Falling Into Relationships Instead of Consciously Choosing Them; The Revelation Regarding Self-Help Books (Especially Love Languages); The Glory of House Meetings; How I Learned to Be a Joiner and Then Hated Everyone and Left, and more exciting installments. Possibly slowly, because I'm still doing that thing where I work all day and learn to be a sex educator also, and running a household. And I'm getting old so I go to bed early.

Be good, chickens. Leave me comments so I know you're still out there and maybe care about these Adventures in Love, Life and Putting on Weight.

But what is Crazy?

Oh haai! (I do totally think I'm hilarious for making a meme slash recent news incident namecheck greeting that only South Africans will understand. Now you know: I'm a dork.)

So I read this blog post today, and it really resonated for me. Most obviously due to a recent *situation*, on which more later, but also because it tends to be a rule with many poly/kinky people: don't stick your dick in crazy.

Let's start with a spot of sexism deconstruction. The wording of this irritates me. Of course, it could apply in m/m relationships, and I do know some girls with dicks too. But in general this phrasing implies both that it's men who need rules of this nature (because somehow they can't recognise destructive behaviour and/or wouldn't care if they can dip their wicks?), and that it's women who are crazy. Since accusing women of hysteria, craziness, mental instability etc has looooong been a thoroughly overused tool for misogyny of all hues, that kind of pisses me off.

So let's pretend I've come up with a similarly catchy and yet far less sexist and annoying phrase that will catch on any day now. I haven't, yet, but hey. The point behind it is worth examining.

Now, of the poly people I know, and the kinky people I've talked about this with, this is a fairly universal relationship 'rule', as well as a personal rule. However, it is usually further defined for clarity. Most common is to break it down to: don't get emotionally and/or physically involved with, or play with, someone who has serious mental health issues and is unwilling to seek treatment and/or acknowledge those issues. That last bit is key. Many people I have had relationships with or am in relationships with have suffered from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and various other mental health issues. Many of my friends are in the same position. With very few exceptions, all have sought help and treatment, and are open with those to whom it is important about their issues.

It can be very hard to be involved with a person who has mental health problems. It can be tiring, challenging, and frustrating. It involves a great deal of patience, empathy and learning. And when you have multiple partners, those resources may already be in short supply. If you have multiple partners and more than one of them has problems, it can *really* leave you short of spoons. I have no issue with someone choosing to exit a relationship with a partner who is undergoing treatment for mental health issues, as long as they do it with honesty and kindness. If you do not feel able to provide the support and love needed by your partner, or feel that they are not able to meet your needs (and have discussed that with them), then by all means, take the honest route and scale back the relationship.

I don't believe in veto. Having a veto is simply not a sensible way to cultivate multiple honest, caring relationships, as far as I'm concerned. However, the other day, I found myself yelling 'veto, veto' about someone my partner had not even expressed romantic interest in. (Yeah, this is the *situation*.)

They had been introduced by a mutual friend, who said that this person was interested in the kinky side of things, and wanted to know more. As the boyfriend is a thoughtful, experienced and responsible ambassador for kink, the friend suggested he would be a good dinner companion. And he had a perfectly lovely conversation, I think, with this new person.

And then when he told me about the dinner the next morning he mentioned I might know this person - our city being small - and said a name. That's when I yelled 'veto'. I took it back, of course, but I also repeated that I did not want this person anywhere near me or my family, nor did I want her to know that I was associated with our mutual friend or the kink world, nor did I even, truly, want our friend to ever see her again.

Of course, I can't control what boyfriend chooses to do. Although I know he will respect that I don't want him to mention me and I will never be around if he chooses to see her again for any reason. I also can't control who our friend chooses to be friends with, or what she discloses to them.

Why, you may ask, is this blog post so damn long? Or, why did you freak out and yell veto? Well, in my experience, this person is exactly the kind of crazy I do not want be within 500m of. The kind of crazy that has created worlds of hurt for other friends and acquaintances of mine. The kind of crazy that makes false accusations, and spreads rumours and will use private knowledge about a person to hurt them, for no particular reason other than paranoia and a victim complex, fuelled by what seem to be some very serious mental health issues.

Now here's the thing. I have no idea if this person has sought treatment, or fulfilled any of the acknowledgement/understanding/honesty criteria that I would expect when engaging with someone with mental health problems. In my experience, that was not the case, but things may have changed since I disengaged from any contact with her. Mutual acquaintances say no, but they may be wrong.

And so I wrung my hands for a few days. Because I hate to be unfair. And I particularly hate to be unfair to people who might actually be trying to turn their life around. Or have turned their lives around. But I look at the history of this person and all I can think is: wow, it would take years of treatment for her to be strong enough to enter into the kink lifestyle without doing serious damage to herself or others. And I don't believe she has disclosed that to the people she is engaging with about this. Which makes all my trust issues jump up and yell 'veto'.

So, yeah. I do believe you can have wonderful, fulfilling relationships with people who struggle with mental health problems. And I do believe that people with issues are more than their issue, and that they have, often, learned wonderful tools for dealing with their problems that benefit them and the relationship and you, greatly. And I do believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. But there are times when the 'crazy' is patent. And there are also times when past experiences are triggers, and you have to be honest about those. If you tend to have a poly network, like I do, and practice kitchen sink poly, like I do, and have partners who are kinky and try to be responsible, honest kinksters, like I do, then you need to talk about people who make you yell veto. And you need to be heard.

End Goal

I've been reading a lot of Kimchi Cuddles lately. Loving it so much I can't actually express. It's like at least every third panel I'm going 'Yes! Yes that makes so much sense, I love you Tikva, can I marry you and have your babies?'. Well, maybe not, but can I love you forevermore?

Which brings me to the point of this post. Can I marry you and have your babies. Kimchi talks about the Relationship Escalator. We're trained from quite young that the way relationships go is you're monogamous, and there's a progression. Meet, date, date exclusively, move in, marry, children. Happily ever after. (That's the training, not the reality.) Depending on what you're taught, sex happens around the date exclusively mark. For some, they're taught that sex does not happen until you're married. That is one I've been trying to wrap my head around. It's the biggest load of bollocks I can imagine. It's so absurd to me that, when recently pressed, I couldn't even bother to argue why it's bollocks. I just tried to elucidate it for this blog but frankly I can't be arsed. If you actually think that marriage is some kind of magic point at which sex becomes sacred or the relationship is somehow exempt from ever ending, or, worst of worst, that women who are not 'virginal' are somehow not valuable enough to make a marriage-style commitment to... Ugh. That makes me puke in my mouth a little. And don't even get me started on how 'virginity' is defined in that setup. If you think that penis in vagina sex defines virginity, or defines sex, or the bit I got sidetracked from when I said 'if you actually think' before, then you probably shouldn't be reading this blog, because I'm sure to offend you.

Why, why, why? What is that shit? Why do we ask 'where is this going?' Why would someone who's been sort of long-distance dating one of my partners for roughly three months, and actually been in the same space with him about four times in that period, ask him if he would consider ever actually getting married (subtext: to her) and why oh why would that be a dealbreaker, especially so early in the relationship? Ok, to be fair to her, the ultimate dealbreaker was this poly business. It's pretty tough, when your end goal is get married, have sex, make babies, to build that relationship while one partner is having a happily sexual relationship with someone else. If I was trying on celibacy for a bit, I'd find it super-difficult to have one of my partners doing the naughty with someone else. Mainly because I'd keep imagining it and getting all hot and horny and that makes it hard to stay celibate. I'm digressing, again.

But ffs. It makes me cringe that there are people for whom this is the actual relationship model. I mean, I have absolutely no problem with two (or three or four...) people waking up one day and going 'you know what, I love you and this shit is totally working between us. Let's have a big-ass party and get presents and tell the whole world we want to be together all the time. While we're at it, let's do it legally too, cause that solves a whole bunch of practical issues.' But people who enter into a relationship with 'it's either marriage potential or it isn't, and if it isn't, I'm out'? Wow. How many awesome awesome relationships are they missing out on? How much chance to learn so much about themselves and who they are in a relationship and how to do this dance we call romance? How much heartbreak and heartmend do they miss, and how much do they cause?

To be clear (yeah, because that rant above was super-clear): it's a great idea to examine your relationships and how they make you feel and whether the space they're in is a healthy one for everyone, etc. It's a great idea to allow relationships to grow and evolve and change. It's just a really really stupid idea to expect them to evolve in a particular direction. They won't. They'll do their own thing, as they should. And if you're focused on that one direction, you're going to miss the total amazingness that is the multiple other directions they might or do go in. And I'm not all that and a snackwich.... I sometimes miss those bits, and I sometimes fall prey to the old narrative and wonder where a relationship is going. And I'm perfectly aware that I've lived that narrative.. I've been married and had kids and I speak from a place of knowing just what a big fat lie that narrative is, and for someone much younger and more hopeful my knowledge is just sad cynicism.

Grab the rainbow, kittens.... Stay off the escalator and just live the relationship. There ain't nothing wrong with commitment, but there ain't nothing wrong with living in the day either. In the immortal words of my beloved bestie: Life is too short to worry about it. Life is long, all things will come around.

This stuff is *hard*

Yeesh. It's hard. It really is. Here are some things that are making it hard for me right now:

1. Delusions of normalcy

Despite my self-education and the support of many wonderful people and the fact that polyamory is practically mainstream these days, I have these moments and even whole days when I think that there's something wrong with me. I think that there is a 'proper' and 'normal' way to do relationships and I'm not doing it right.

And then I hate myself for even thinking that. Because that is some stupid shit right there. But you can see how this little cycle is a pleasant one, emotionally.

2. Spoons

I prefer the term 'criplets', myself. Mostly because riffing on the theme of criplets is how Boyfriend #2 got me to fall for him virtually instantly at a party. I can't for the life of me remember where it comes from and of course if I google it I find all sorts of stuff about crippled people that suddenly makes it seem a wildly inappropriate term. I also don't know where 'spoons' come from, unless it's because there are *never* enough teaspoons in a given cutlery drawer.

In any case, this refers to 'units of time and energy'. So I might have enough time to fit in a date, but not enough energy, or vice-versa. Or I may really want to have a date but I have neither the time nor the energy to do so. That's emotional, physical, sexual etc energy, btw. Love may be unlimited, but criplets/ spoons necessarily are.

Oh and my spoons are prrrreeettty stretched. Stretched spoons. Three committed romantic partners plus two teenagers plus challenging job plus friends. Streeeettttccchhhheed.

3. Just bloody life

I like routine. Without routine, there is nothing to rebel against. Without routine, I get a bit lost. I like organisation, and planning. I don't mind spontaneity, as long as you remember the blanket and the cheese knife and the condoms in your spontaneous packing. Without planning, I feel overwhelmed.

Life does not give a hoot about my desire for routine and planning. Life will throw in sickness and dead car batteries and missing cats and school projects and whatever it bloody likes and I will feel completely overwhelmed. But because I am organisyplannychick, my partners will expect that I will take it in stride and work with it. And then I cry a bit and feel sorry for myself. If I let them see that and don't carry on trying to organise and plan shit regardless, they help me to feel better.

4. Metamors

I gained a metamor earlier this year. A metamor is a partner's partner, in case you were wondering. So Boyfriend #1 has the wonderful New Girlfriend. I like her so much. I like her boyfriend so much. I'm still terrified. And dealing with the weird jealousy and insecurity is scary as shit. I think I'm doing ok. I hope.

I lost a metamor a few weeks ago. That was sad but necessary. I feel like we've been mourning it since then and I'm a little over that. I totally understand that Boyfriend #2 needs to work his way through this. It's just one of the weird things about poly: you get to be in a relationship with someone while they're going through the hard work of getting over another relationship. Hmm, I think that might be a whole 'nother blog post.

5. Space

My two boyfriends are living together in one big house. The big house that I will be moving into, with my kids, in a few months. So at the moment I live somewhere between my house and that house. It feels very unsettled. And I don't know where my space is. I have to figure this out.

Ok. That's my whine for today. Feel free to ask if I've just said a bunch of confusing stuff that makes no sense. I have a feeling this year is going to be a steep learning curve for my whole poly family, so best I make sense when I write about it if it's going to be of use to anyone else.

Interconnection

Last week my boyfriend was breaking up with his other girlfriend. Or she was breaking up with him. From my perspective, what happened was that he insisted that they talk about their relationship, seriously, and after they did she broke up with him. Things had been off for some time. When they met last year, as when I met him, he was leaving the country. Possibly never to return. We all let each other get away with a lot of selfish, irresponsible and often quite boring behaviour, because it didn't seem worth using the precious short time we had trying to fix that.

Hah! Lesson number one. Consider it thoroughly learned. There is no excuse for allowing yourself to be manipulated or disrespected. Especially if you know perfectly well that it's happening. There is no excuse for disrespecting even a short-term partner. And then plus if one of you doesn't leave the country.... yeesh there's a lot of work to break those bad habits.

Annnyway... so last week was tough. Boyfriend #2 knew the relationship was probably coming to an end. He wanted it not to be horrible. He hoped maybe his girlfriend would in fact not want to break up and would turn out to really be poly. She's not. She's been very unhappy for quite some time because she tried to make herself be poly in order to be with him.

Lesson number two. You can't force yourself to be poly. And you shouldn't. And nobody else should force you to be. You also can't force yourself to be ok with poly. There are cases where poly/mono relationships can work. But if you're making the person you really love (her husband) unhappy so that you can explore a relationship with someone you love but want all to yourself (our mutual boyfriend) and that someone is poly..... hooo, that's a fucking mess. She saw that. She did the right thing for herself and her husband and her boyfriend. She ended it. That was sad, for all of us.

So I looked for resources on how to deal with all of this stuff. Because I was really angry with her at one point. Still am, in some ways. Things got messy and relationship boundaries were not respected and I had good reasons to be angry. But I knew it was a difficult time for her, and I although I didn't appreciate the behaviour, I saw where it was coming from.

What I wanted was some poly resources on how boyfriend and I could work together through this relationship crisis and possible breakup, without me being actually involved in the 'their relationship' part of it. How do I support my lover, and protect myself, and provide him with the advice and love he trusts me to provide in a situation like this, and still try very very hard not to interfere in what is actually going on?

I failed several times. I made him check texts when he didn't want to in case she was really upset. I asked for details when I shouldn't have because I wanted to understand her motivations - they weren't really my business. I needed help.

Couldn't find any. Not a sausage. Tons of stuff on how to make my metamour feel more comfortable. How to protect myself if my metamour is kind of a bitch. Mostly how to make her/ him feel more comfortable. Look, I am a super-nice person. I make everyone feel comfortable. And if you're not comfortable I will beat you over the head with my niceness until you are.

You get the point. No resources. And my support circle repeatedly said "it's his problem. He must deal with it. You just say no to this drama". But I couldn't do that. He is a big part of my life and this was the biggest thing happening in his week. And we are close. We talk about stuff. Emotions and shit. How is he supposed to just not talk to one of the people he's most used to talking to about relationships and his current life decisions? How am I supposed to just walk away from a situation that is clearly hurting people I care deeply about, and which has already impacted my life? Can't. Obvs.

Soooo... ya I don't actually have any answers yet. Writing posts about it and warbling at you is going to be my way of figuring it out. Something for y'all to look forward to...

Have a lovely week, kittens.

Accountability & Scheduling

Who am I accountable to? In my life, there are:

Boyfriend #1 + his girlfriend + her boyfriend
Boyfriend #2 + his girlfriend + her husband
Girlfriend #1 + her boyfriend
My children + their father

So those +'s are people I'm theoretically not directly accountable to. And the boyfriends are not directly accountable to the partners of their other girlfriends. But it just doesn't always work out that way. And often, in my life, I land up being the one who checks in with *everyone* when we're making plans - or at least reminds my partners that I can't take a plan as confirmed until they've checked in with their 'chain of accountability'. You have to wonder how we get anything done.

And this is why, this weekend, we'll be inaugurating a (hopefully) weekly scheduling meeting for as many of us as are able and willing to make it. We're basing it on this article, which gives a lot of handy ideas, including ways for us to include the people who live out of town and can't always be present. Afterwards, we'll have pizza and play games. So it's a playdate as well as a meeting. Setting that up required about 8 messages, and I'm pretty sure the boyfriends didn't actually check in with their other girlfriends before agreeing to it (not so bad, since neither of them have plans with those girlfriends for Sunday afternoon). This means, of course, that either or both of the girlfriends won't be there, which is not great but at least we can get this thing off the ground. Because we need to. I'm now up to 5 out of 7 nights in a week booked as date nights. Add busy jobs and other projects in to that, for myself and the others, and it starts to look a bit crazy.

Because at the end of the day, I'm accountable to everyone in my relationship circle. I'm entitled to expect that my partners will be accountable to their partners, and will maintain open, honest communications with everyone. But if I'm not taking the needs of others into account when I'm advocating for my own needs (and vice versa), we're all going to land up too stretched. I need to remember, if I want or need to change date night with my girlfriend, that her boyfriend may have plans for them that night. Plans he might not even yet have mentioned to her because he's entitled, to some extent, to expect that our date night stays the same from week to week. And I have to check with Boyfriend #1 that he's ok that I'm moving that date to a night we often treat as an 'informal' date night. In case he was making a list of 'new house tasks' I might help him with that night.

Sounds like so much work, doesn't it? It kind of is. Check out how many date nights I get, though. <smiles> As Boyfriend #2 recently noted, just because we are the kind of people to whom the emotional/ romantic side of poly comes very naturally, doesn't mean we have to do less work at the day-to-day logistics stuff. It just means we are really committed to doing it, because these relationships make us happy. And they really do.

Being Out Poly

This is a big topic, and just a short(ish) post thereon. As you know, I'm selectively out. I tend to speak quite openly around friends and am not scared to tell colleagues I'm poly if it comes up. (So far I've told two colleagues - I think the others just think I have a magical boyfriend who can be in several places at once and has a vast number of skills :) )

People have varying reactions. Some people are fine conceptually, then get really edgy when they have to deal with meeting an additional partner. Others ask lots of questions, seem a little uneasy, but manage to treat everyone with respect. You never can really tell. I try to be open to questions and to provide a reasonable amount of info when I introduce the concept. That usually helps.

My favourite thing, though, is this: Both boyfriends and I play a semi-regular role-playing game with a specific group of people. When we started, it was just me and Boyfriend #1. We were invited by a good friend of mine, who's known me for a long time and knows #1 pretty well. When #2 came into my world, and it turned out he loves RPGs, he joined us too.

We met all the other players in the context of the game. They'd seen me be affectionate with #1 on previous occasions. But it's not like we snog during game time. A couple of sessions after #2 joined us, #1 was away. I went to the game evening with #2 and we sat together and sometimes held hands or otherwise behaved in a couply way. Nobody so much as blinked.

Since then one or other of us has had to miss a session now and then, and the other two have generally gone along. Sometimes its me and one of the guys, sometimes the guys and not me. When everyone plays at my house, it's clear that the guys are both staying over.

Nobody has said a word. It's not like they're ignoring it. They just treat it as perfectly normal that I have two boyfriends and we hang out together and all play games together. They've never asked any questions (of me - maybe my old friend got the third degree and I just don't know). This weekend we had a dinner party and I was quite obviously affectionate to both the guys, plus I made a comment at some point about them both being my boyfriends. No blinks. Not a fuck is given by these people that we have an 'unusual' relationship arrangement. And I cannot tell you how very good that feels.

Maybe they're just odd people, maybe it's a nerd thing (yes, we're clearly a pretty nerdy bunch), maybe they're just mature and smart and figure the arrangements are none of their business.

Whatever, it's awesome.

Moving on in

Continuing with the changes in my life: in a few months, I will be moving in with Boyfriend #1. In many ways, this is simply a practical choice. We've found that it's frankly a pain in the ass for us to keep travelling back and forth to each other's houses. It cuts into our time. When we have tasks we need to do at our respective homes, we have to fit them around the times that we're spending out of those homes, and the time that the other one is in our home. Though we've been together so long, we still tend to spend our time together sitting chatting (or, yes, in bed). So, two to four nights a week and often at least one weekend afternoon, neither of us can get anything done because we want to be in the same space and that means, essentially, a date.

That's a big chunk of our time. And with being poly already requiring a certain amount of time-management, it gets silly. Now that we both have other partners, we realised we either have to give up some of our evenings together to fit in other dates *and* household errands (not to mention that both of us actually require alone time to recharge), or come to a better arrangement.

So, we move in together. This raises all sorts of questions about whether he will be, or actually already is, my "primary".

I dislike the terms "primary" and "secondary". I dislike the idea of hierarchical relationships. And I know, both philosophically and because I've lived through it, that relationships are prone to change.

Sometimes small change - patterns and habits developed over years are disrupted for many reasons. For example, a partner who once worked from home and was always available may get an office job and the dynamic changes. Emotionally, relationships ebb and wane to some degree. We go through periods of wanting to be together every free moment, and periods of being quite content to see one another a couple of times a week (still loving one another, just having other things we're concentrating on, and secure in the knowledge that this ebb and wane is natural and will ebb, or wane, again).

And big change happens. When #1 and I got together, I lived with my husband and children and we believed (#1 and I) that we would never live together, probably never even be able to go away on holiday as a couple. Sometimes people have to move for work, or switch from flexi-hours to working long hours that make them tired and unavailable for long periods.

Are we supposed, in times like that, to hold "secondary" partners at arms length? Are we supposed, during a waning period in one relationship, to artificially induce or hold back an ebb in another relationship so as to give one the "upper hand"? It's silly.

That said, Boyfriend #2 and I have been discussing this. We like to talk semantics. He's rather opinionated on the use of inappropriately generalised or unusefully specific terms, and both of us feel it hampers much of the material available for poly support. Yet there aren't 'better' ways to describe things, at this point. Which doesn't mean that terms like 'primary' and 'secondary' should remain in use. Merely that we need to work harder to describe the differences in relationships that occur in the poly lifestyle. And, because of course every relationship, and every set of relationships, will have its own quirks, restrictions, experiences, that's a pretty hard task.

So, here are some questions I'll be exploring over the coming while:

1. Can we really say "I love you all equally"? Does it make sense in the context of length of relationship, time spent together, and that quality of familiarity and comfort that comes from the combination of the above?
2. How do we describe the difference between a relationship that is still growing and evolving rapidly (as happens in the first year or two, say) and a relationship that is long-standing and stable, without reverting to hierarchic terminology?
3. How do we describe the difference between the relationship I have with the partner with whom I share my most private space (a master bedroom) and the partner with whom I spend a lot of time, including some nights of the week, but with whom I do not officially share that private space?
4. How do we describe the difference between either of those two and the relationship I have with the partner who is also a major part of my family but who lives elsewhere with another partner with whom she shares her most private space?
5. How do we decide, whether we are in or out of the poly closet (though in the case of out it's slightly easier), which of those partners attends work and family functions?
6. How do we ascertain, or examine, the difference in quality of time spent with partners who have official 'date nights' and the partner with whom we share the day-to-day comforts of a long-term live-in relationship? How do we value both?
7. How do we make decisions, if we want to make a family, about who should be included in the living arrangements and how they are included?
8. How do our partners' other partners, existing and possible future, fit into these arrangements? 
9. And, so very much not least, is it extremely important to work all this stuff out? And if we even work it out to some degree, isn't it likely to evolve, just as our relationships evolve?

Next in my current blogging spree: Girlfriend #1-and-only and the year of making it happen.

All change

So there's a *lot* going on around here. It's been going on for a while but I wasn't ready to talk about all of it just yet. And I'm sorry that I haven't been posting as often as I should, but part of the change was that I started a new job. I moved from being essentially a 'cut and paster' back into doing the stuff I love best - writing and working online. I hate calling myself a marketer or a social media expert, but it's stuff I'm good at, and when I get to do it for a company I really like, it's awesome fun. And I *love* my new job. It's a fantastic environment and a brand I can really get into. More on that at a later stage though.

Today, let's cover point number one: I am no longer in a triad.

Now that I've said that, I'm not sure we ever were successfully in a triad. We kind of fell into it, partly because it was convenient and partly because we were all on a learning curve and being in it all together seemed to make it easier emotionally. I recently read Shelly's excellent piece on Family and Consent on More Than Two and it really got me thinking about how none of us actively consented to being in that triad. I don't think any of us were trying to be coercive. I think, rather, that we were all trying so hard to do what we *thought* one or both of the others wanted, that we didn't stop to think about what each of us wanted.

Anyway, circumstances conspired to make it clear that we were moving into an unhealthy space. It became obvious, to me anyway, that because Boyfriend #2 lives out of town and is not spectacularly communicative via phone/text, I was standing in for him with Girlfriend #2. I was providing emotional support and daily attention, and we'd reached a point where I was 'interpreting' our mutual boyfriend to her.

This did not make me feel loved or needed, except as a stand-in. Nor was it really helping her to feel closer to him. It merely prevented her from taking steps to improve her communication with him, because she could get some of what she needed from me. And of course, he had no idea what was going on with her half the time, unless I told him. Not healthy.

So I stopped doing it. I really meant to sit her down and discuss it with her, but somehow with the boyfriend not being in town for a while and my being less of a stand-in for him, we just didn't have the oomph to get together. Which made me sad. But it also made me understand fully that we weren't in a triad - we were in a V where we all just hung out together too much and weren't allowing the individual relationships room to grow.

So here we are. And it feels much better to me. I feel confident that their relationship is getting stronger, and so does Boyfriend #2. I don't know how she feels about it because I avoid discussing the relationship for now. When they have their own strength and I'm not horning in on that emotional space, hopefully we'll be able to discuss it as friends, and offer each other support from a different perspective. And of course I still want to play board games with her when we can all find time. She's interesting and funny and I enjoy her company.

My relationship with #2 is feeling really strong. This relationship is important to me, and after a year together I think we're both feeling maybe there's a future of some sort here. Now we get to do the exciting and terrifying work of figuring out what that might be.

More on change coming up soon... In the meantime, have a fabulous weekend everyone.

Absence and the heart

I'm excited today. I haven't seen boyfriend #2 for quite a while. I think it's probably only been a month, but it feels very long. I'm used to not seeing him during the week, but seeing him every weekend. He has had another friend visiting, and there was some romantic potential. When he told us she was coming, we all thought we'd get to meet her, and also to see him, while she was here. It didn't work out that way. So it's been a while, and today he is coming to visit.

I have missed him terribly, and at the same time it's been fine. I've been frustrated, because I know there's lots going on around this visit, which he doesn't communicate because he really can only talk about important things in person. Texting is just too alien for him when it comes to personal stuff. And at the same time that's been fine. For some days, when she first arrived, he didn't communicate at all. That wasn't really fine. Mostly because I'm deeply paranoid and require proof of life at least every 48 hours or my brain concocts dreadful car accidents or mysterious sudden illnesses. Also because #2 knows this, and knows that girlfriend #2 and I need a little acknowledgement from time to time. But then he came back online, and since then he's been pretty good about responding to messages. And sensitive and caring in his responses.

I've missed him a lot, but I don't feel like a part of me is missing. And that is a really good thing. We're so ingrained to feel that a lover or partner fills some missing piece of our personal jigsaw that often we don't feel whole unless we're with that person. Now, there's something to be said for partners who balance you, or help you fill in your own blanks in some way. It's something I like in my partners - between them they make me more of the person I am, and want to be. But if you're relying on one person to complete you in some way, you're going to come short. All of us are wandering this world feeling like there are pieces missing. It's simply the way of life. Nobody can fill your missing pieces except you. And it is much, much easier to live the poly lifestyle if you understand that.

I am not responsible for my partners' happiness. I am responsible for ensuring that I don't hurt them, or cause them unhappiness. I am responsible for keeping promises to be there for them if they need me, in happiness or unhappiness. But their happiness, and finding their missing pieces, is up to them. I can't save them from the world. And they can't save me. We can hold hands, though, and that feels really good.

On jealousy

Jealousy. Oh boy. You know what made me jealous? Boyfriend #1 told me he'd discussed the decorating of his new house with his PNG. They had their first date. I wasn't jealous on or after the date, though I was having a slight personal meltdown and the time would have theoretically been very ripe for jealousy. I wasn't jealous when he told me what a lovely time he'd had, or how much he really does like her. I wasn't jealous when he told me that he hopes she's keen to take that P out of Potential New Girlfriend. (Not to make it Otential. Don't be silly, reader. <wink>) No. I got jealous when he told me, during a conversation about his new house, that he'd chatted to her about paint colour. I mean... Good grief. Plus, she's actually qualified to talk about interior design, so her opinion is actually valuable. It would be valuable anyway - she's very creative and has an eye for colour.

Yes, I do have a point. The point is that you don't know what's going to make you jealous. And it's usually not one of the obvious things. Most people assume they'll get jealous of a partner doing intimate physical things with someone else. Many people do experience that jealousy. Me, I'm weird about domesticity. I once got really pissed at a girl who was only just showing interest in #1, because she put his wallet and phone in her bag when we were all out somewhere. I always used to put it in my bag (still do - the man just will not get a bag of his own).

What you can do, and what I did, is look at what just happened when you had that spike of jealousy. What spiked it? Was it the tone of your partner's voice, the circumstances in which the spike occurred, or a reaction that is purely internal to you? Now, when I say that - jealousy pretty much is an internal thing. By and large, your partner is not doing things intentionally to make you jealous. If they are, it's time for a serious chat and possibly a relook at the relationship, because that kind of behaviour is toxic. So, assuming they're not, they're simply proceeding with other relationships that you are aware of, and presumably sticking to the agreements that you've both made around those relationships. If you have a jealousy spike, it's probably something in you. I hope you're following. I may be meandering.

When I got all freaky about the paint colour comment, I immediately recognised that as something not at all to do with #1 or PNG. It was to do with me. I'm ashamed to say I did not bite back the sarcastic comment that my jealousy brought straight out. But I did apologise immediately, and tell #1 what was going on. Then I thought about it a little, and we chatted. Obviously, it's that domesticity thing. I feel threatened when another relationship seems to be intervening in my personal space. Which is kind of hilarious, because I'm one of the few people I know who is completely happy to let my partners share my bed with other partners, even when I'm not there. That's a pretty personal space, let me tell you. Plus I'm a pretty dominant person, and nowhere more so than in my home. Even if I'm sharing that home with someone else. Domestic space is my refuge, and I need to feel very safe in it if I'm to get any r&r.

Oversharing makes my blog posts very long. I hope my point is coming across. I'm still working out what other points may create jealousy spikes for me, but now I'm even more aware that the home space, and certain other domestic, 'coupley' things, are important for me. Being aware of that means I can communicate it more effectively to my partners, and their partners, if necessary. Oh, I don't need to sit the lovely new girl down and chat with her about my weirdness. I just mean that I now know I can say to her 'Hey, I heard you have some nice ideas for the house. It's a bit weird for me because I'm oddly jealous about that kind of stuff, but actually I do really want to hear what you think.' And I'll mean it. I do want to hear it. And I probably won't get jealous at all. Because the thing about jealousy is, it's a monster under the bed. And when you switch the lights on, it turns out to be a dust bunny.

New girlfriends... Yeah, that's happening

So, I've been with boyfriend #1 for a while now. He's not had another girlfriend during this time. He dated someone for a bit when we were very first getting together, and I have to say I behaved like a crazy loon during that time. I try not to be too hard on myself. We were still trying to figure out what was going on with us, and I was trying to find my 'poly' feet. But I sucked at it.

When I got together with boyfriend #2 - when we started 'romancing', that is - he was getting together with girlfriend #2 at roughly the same time. So it was a 'package deal'. And though it was hard, because we were all kind of on a learning curve, I didn't get crazy loony.

Now let's be clear: I do get jealous. I get jealous of all sorts of things monogamous people will recognise, like whether my partner 'cares more' about another partner than about me, or whether the other partner is 'better at' certain things than I am. This kind of stuff doesn't bother me terribly though. I know it for what it is, and I can work through it (thanks to the awesome work and writing of a bunch of generous poly people who've provided tools for this kind of thing). I also know the difference between what I think of as 'trigger jealousy' (the stuff above) and 'problem jealousy' - where I'm getting a feeling of jealousy or insecurity because there's an actual thing going on that is problematic. A great example of this happened just the other day. Boyfriend #2 took a call from an overseas girlfriend right at bedtime, and I was asleep by the time he was done. It really bothered me. I felt he'd not respected our fairly limited time with each other. The solution in this case was super-simple. I told him how I felt and asked him not to schedule calls with other girlfriends during times like that. He said of course he was happy to do that. I could have stewed for days, but I took action, understood why it was bothering me, expressed my issue, and - what do you know? - we solved it. (Totes not blowing my trumpet - I surprised myself that I handled it that well at all.)

So. Boyfriend #1 might have a new girlfriend. Or be getting a new girlfriend. Or maybe they'll flirt a bit and just be really good friends. Neither #1 or I is completely sure how it's going to work out - mainly because it's very new and I don't think anyone is sure, including PNG (Potential New Girlfriend - which makes me happy because it references an obscure Dolly Parton song). Which is the way it should be. She only recently discovered that he's a guy she could like. She's already in a really great relationship with an awesome guy and, although they're extremely open and have been attending poly get-togethers for some time, they haven't identified as poly. Yet. Might not.

That's kind of beside the point though. Because that is in the future. Right now, boyfriend #1 has a silly grin and is being f*&ing adorably peppy. He's thrilled that putting himself out there a little bit and communicating with this gorgeous woman has actually resulted in her liking him. (I do keep telling him that is probably how it's generally going to work out, but he's wary.) He answers her texts (which, believe me, is quite something - he usually only answers texts from me or his boss, or in emergencies). He smiles when I mention her. He smiles a lot when she's around.

He's also been incredibly loving and caring towards me. He usually is, but lately he's been even more so. And I don't think it's a compensation thing. I feel like his happiness at this unexpected and lovely development is overflowing and I'm getting a benefit from it. And that is absolutely fan-bloody-tastic. Not just because I get the extra loving, but because I can feel how good he's feeling. It's tangible. And it's so wonderful to feel this coming from someone I love so much. It makes me happy. And that, kids is what the poly folks call compersion. I'm getting a high off his high. It's awesome.

I'm still totally worried that if this relationship goes somewhere further - which I'd welcome - I will find myself less kiff than I want to be. Basically I worry about turning into a loon because of my own insecurities (and, trust me, I am insecurity central). I might not be so great about the jealousy. I might interfere too much, because I'm used to boyfriend #1 relying on me in social situations. I might do what I did this weekend and just be dof - I sat around chatting to them both until *I* was tired and ready to go to bed, totally failing to realise they might want a little alone time to get to know each other. I might just worry too f*&ing much about whether she's ok and is handling things alright and whether her boyfriend (who I'm good friends with and care a great deal about) is cool and understands how much this whole thing is not just ok but awesome. I might feel the need to emote at them about that and make us all feel super-awkward.

Or, if I'm really lucky, now that I've shared it all with you - my sweet, hopefully not too confused by nicknames, readers - I'll have a bit of a handle on all those concerns, and I'll recognise them and deal with them in a mature and loving and respectful way when and if they arise. I guess I'll keep you posted. Wish us luck - PNG is really something special (as is her partner), and we want her in our lives for a long time, regardless of whether a romance pans out.

Ok, the big question ... am I getting it a lot?

Someone asked if I was getting a lot of sex. What, with all the partners. Fairly obvious question, and I do get asked it a lot in person. Again, this is going to be one of those things that's probably peculiar to me (and my set of relationships), and so you shouldn't apply it to all poly people. That said, I think I can generalise with this statement: If you're a person with a high sex drive, you're going to have a fair amount of sex as long as you have at least one partner (or, actually, a lot of selfiesex if you don't currently have a partner, so it still applies). The number of partners doesn't necessarily increase the amount of sex you're going to have.

Crucial point here: polyamory, at least in my understanding of it, means multiple relationships. And relationships are about a whole bunch of things. Including, but not limited to, sex. I don't think it's possible to have a romantic relationship with someone and not want to do delicious things to and with them. The joy of being polyamorous is that you generally can. However, I have two relationships in which no sex is currently on the cards. One because he lives very far away and has a monogamous wife (whose wonderful attitude towards our relationship doesn't yet stretch to sex and I'm totally supportive of that). The other because ... hmmm ... I'm not actually sure. We used to play around. Then we didn't. Now we could, but we don't. But she sends me the most unbelievably gorgeous naked pics of herself and certainly we will, one day. Maybe we're just building up. (Yeah, I'm totally sitting here smiling to myself thinking about how awesome that is going to be....)

Ok, back to the point... I have sex probably about as often as I would if I were in only one relationship. Sometimes sexy time is with more than one person. I have that opportunity possibly slightly more regularly than your average monogamous person would. <smile> But I have a life that's pretty busy, and so do my partners. Oftentimes we're just happy we could find time to hang out together, and sleep together. Sleeping with my loves (like, sleepy chat in bed, then falling asleep holding each other, and holding each other in that semi-wakeup time in the morning) is something I really love. Girlfriend #2 gets the prize for always being the one who gets up and brings us coffee in bed. That bit is awesome. But sleepovers don't happen all the time. So, we have to find time without kids, without other commitments, when we're not exhausted (though there's something to be said for surprise exhausted sexy time, doncha think?). If I don't get sexy time with each of the boys on a semi-regular basis, I make sure it happens. That's possible because I get sleepover time with each of them at least once a week, even on superbusy weeks. The girls, it's harder because sleepovers are less common.

It's possible to have days where I could have sex with three different people on the same day. I try to maintain a rule of 'one a day' (unless, obvs, it's group playtime). That doesn't allllwaaays work out... But it's a rule that helps me to keep a check on myself, and make sure I'm respecting everyone. I also change my sheets between partners, even if it means changing them daily for a few days, or twice in one day.

There's a caveat here, also. I happen to have partners who are incredibly sexy people. There's no 'it's Monday so it's missionary' in my life. Sexy time means (usually) an hour or more of delicious play. Or repeated play over the course of an evening that may also include dinner or going out or whatever. Does that count as more sex? Maybe. What I can say is that being poly means I get to have different experiences with each of my partners. Every sexual relationship is different, just as every relationship is itself different. One of my partners may enjoy something another may find less interesting. I can learn new things about what I enjoy from each of them. Because I maintain a policy of complete honesty, all of them know about the kinds of things I like and the kinds of things I do with the others. And I get to hear if they have discovered something new or tried something fun with each other.

So: yes, I'm getting it a lot. Just not stupendously more than any other person who likes sex and has a sexy partner. And is it fun? Hells yeah.