What did the mustard say to the tomato sauce when it lagged behind? 'Oy, ketchup!'
Ok, sorry, couldn't help myself. I've been blogligent. No, I thought that could be a word but it really isn't. I've been negligent about blogging. Sorry. Been kinda busy.
I moved. I now live in a big (but apparently not big enough) house with two boyfriends, two children, five cats and a really hyperactive Jack Russell.
The cats are not getting on. And they don't like the dog. Except for my one small cat, who loves the dog but won't go out to visit with him because the other cats might be out there. Urgh. Seriously, this has been the single biggest problem we've faced in the moving in saga. It has nearly caused Boyfriend #1 and I to break up at least twice. I wanted to move out within a week of moving in. So here is my first tip for blending families:
TIP: Sort out the damn pets. If I knew exactly how to do that, I would've done it. Get a pet psychologist, or something. Whatever. Pets will be the death of your relationship. Well, maybe not the death, but they'll put some serious strain on that shit. And I do have friends who will break up with a person who dislikes their cats, so it could be the death.
Also, my ex has been very ill, so the children are living with us full-time. And my ex in-laws have been around a lot. And I've been worried sick because I do still love this man and we co-parent these remarkable children. That has not helped. Luckily, my partners have been super-supportive. Even though none of them bought into the full-time children deal, they've dealt with it amazingly, and been fantastic at supporting, loving and caring for all of us. And at having truncated, not particularly sexy dates, because children and stress.
In fact, thanks to our new living arrangements, my kids now sit down at table every night to a lovingly prepared meal. We chat, laugh, eat, share the clearing up. When it was just the three of us, the kids and I tended to go for trays in front of the TV. Now we have real mealtimes. It's a treat. And trays in front of the TV is another kind of treat. Which is the way it should be.
My girlfriend has had some problems in her live-in relationship. Not fun stuff, but I'm so very proud of how hard she and her boyfriend are working to learn and grow individually and together from it. It was all drama all the time for a few days, and that was hard on our relationship, but the two of us also learned and grew and that was great.
Been a lot of learning and growing. I'm reading More Than Two (slowly - it's a whopperload of information to take in) and that's been greatly comforting to me. Good to know that my slow practise has brought me to a lot of understanding already, and good to know that my inevitable buggerups are not just because I'm a moron, or never going to get this right, but because it's both absolutely intuitive and yet totally against all our conditioning and much of our psychology to be in multiple relationships. We have to work, quite hard, to get through that. Totally worth it, though. I'm going to say totes worth it, just to annoy the boyfriends (heheheh).
So that's a brief catchup, kittens. I'll be back soon with news of My Important Life Decision (yep, another one) and updates on how polyhousehold is going.
Showing posts with label poly with kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poly with kids. Show all posts
Wednesday, 1 July 2015
Sunday, 8 February 2015
Poly Playdates & Focus
So that last post was about the focus problem, and how I was having trouble last week. Well, the remarkable girlfriend reminded me that when we're stretched a bit thin, the poly playdate can be a real lifesaver. Instead of trying to find space for kids and boyfriend and girlfriend (plus the social engagements we had this weekend), we all got together and made nachos and watched a fun movie. I had the very great pleasure of having most of the people I love and want to spend my time with all in the same room, laughing and eating and having a good evening, and I feel loved and rejuvenated. And excited to see Boyfriend #1, who is back this evening from his time away visiting with his parent.
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
Poly with kids
My daughter had a friend over today. Her friend is a lovely girl a little older than her. When she got out of the car (we dropped her at home), my daughter said, "She was very nervous to meet you." I asked why, and pointed out how delightful and charming I am. Why would anyone be scared of me? "Well," said the daughter, "she's quite shy. But also she knows your friend who reads your blog and they have talked about polyamory. She's very interested in it."
Yikes. That was my immediate reaction. I quickly checked in that the friend is fine with this, and reminded my daughter that not everyone is as open-minded or smart as her friend. And that's pretty much the day-to-day. My kids are fine. They, like any other kids of divorced parents who get on reasonably well, would like if their father and I were still together. Aside from that, and understanding that we simply aren't going to get back together, they would just like us both to be happy. If we're happy, we're nicer to be around.
My daughter is at an age where the fact that I'm poly and bi makes me cool, rather than weird. I worry slightly that she'll make life choices based on coolness rather than considered thought. But then I think I've done my best to make sure can think for herself, and is brave enough to make choices that are right for her rather than what her parents want or society expects (which are not mutually exclusive but not necessarily always in step). My son tends to think I'm weird, but he, too, sees my choices as valid and acceptable.
As far as my children are concerned, my being poly means there are more people around who care about them, and about me, and provide us with support, love and plenty of fun. I am honest with them about my relationships, and about their ups and downs. I hope that they are learning that all relationships are different, and that there are ups and downs in all of them, and that these things can be dealt with. I hope that they are learning that we can't predict how our life is going to go, but we can be kind to ourselves and to others, and sometimes that takes us to interesting places. I don't know for sure. Parenting is quite a hit and miss affair most of the time. My kids seem nice. People seem to like them. So I guess it's going ok so far.
Practically, poly life is easier when the kids are away with their father part of the time. There's only so much time and energy in a day, and kids are demanding. I probably wouldn't be able to sustain the number of partners I have if the kids lived with me full-time. On the other hand, if I got my dream of having all my partners, and their partners, living together in one (really big) house, there'd be lots of people to fetch and carry and feed and entertain and otherwise help out with the kids...
And then there's the issue of being outed by your kids. Many poly folk I know live 'semi-out' at best. For many reasons, not least because it gets boring having to explain things to people all the time, I tend to not be out to the whole world. And, certainly, kids, especially young teens, can be wildly judgemental. My kids have already encountered backlash at declaring themselves atheists. I can imagine they'd get a lot worse if kids (and parents) knew their mom had several partners, not all of whom are guys. So we talk about keeping it quiet. Also, it's my private life. There's no need for all the kids at school to know about it. But still, things will happen. Some kid will be friends with someone I know who reads my blog and has mentioned it to them. That'll happen more as the kids get older. And that's ok. As they get older they have to start making life choices. And if their choices are better informed and they have more open minds about their options, and they know that whatever they do they should respect themselves and those they are involved with, then I've done my job well and I don't care who knows it.
My kids are awesome, and I have a great relationship with them. And their father is a remarkable man, who is happy to have them involved in my poly lifestyle as long as they know it's not the only option (which of course it isn't). I think everyone thinks their own kids are awesome. Whether they're emotionally and psychologically prepared to know about your being poly or about your sexuality depends on what you've taught them as they've grown up. And on how honest you are prepared to be with them. You've got to be straight with them. Don't beat around the bush. Obviously, I don't discuss my sex life with my kids, but if they ask me if I'm having sex with a particular partner, I'll tell them. If they ask me how to open a condom packet, I'll tell them that too. Wouldn't have told them that when they were seven, but they'll need to know if, if not now then within too few years. Condom packets can be surprisingly difficult to open, especially if you're nervous.
The caveats would be the same, I think, if I were mono: don't introduce someone new as your partner if you're not sure they're going to stick around. Don't put up with people who have no respect for your children or your relationship with them, no matter how cute they are. Don't force your children to spend time with someone they're ok with but don't have a great time with. And don't expect any of your partners to parent your children unless and until the relationship between the two of you is at a stage where that becomes part of your lives together.
Take it slow, be honest and everyone will be fine. Poly doesn't hurt kids. Bad relationships, of any stripe, do. But you knew that already.
Yikes. That was my immediate reaction. I quickly checked in that the friend is fine with this, and reminded my daughter that not everyone is as open-minded or smart as her friend. And that's pretty much the day-to-day. My kids are fine. They, like any other kids of divorced parents who get on reasonably well, would like if their father and I were still together. Aside from that, and understanding that we simply aren't going to get back together, they would just like us both to be happy. If we're happy, we're nicer to be around.
My daughter is at an age where the fact that I'm poly and bi makes me cool, rather than weird. I worry slightly that she'll make life choices based on coolness rather than considered thought. But then I think I've done my best to make sure can think for herself, and is brave enough to make choices that are right for her rather than what her parents want or society expects (which are not mutually exclusive but not necessarily always in step). My son tends to think I'm weird, but he, too, sees my choices as valid and acceptable.
As far as my children are concerned, my being poly means there are more people around who care about them, and about me, and provide us with support, love and plenty of fun. I am honest with them about my relationships, and about their ups and downs. I hope that they are learning that all relationships are different, and that there are ups and downs in all of them, and that these things can be dealt with. I hope that they are learning that we can't predict how our life is going to go, but we can be kind to ourselves and to others, and sometimes that takes us to interesting places. I don't know for sure. Parenting is quite a hit and miss affair most of the time. My kids seem nice. People seem to like them. So I guess it's going ok so far.
Practically, poly life is easier when the kids are away with their father part of the time. There's only so much time and energy in a day, and kids are demanding. I probably wouldn't be able to sustain the number of partners I have if the kids lived with me full-time. On the other hand, if I got my dream of having all my partners, and their partners, living together in one (really big) house, there'd be lots of people to fetch and carry and feed and entertain and otherwise help out with the kids...
And then there's the issue of being outed by your kids. Many poly folk I know live 'semi-out' at best. For many reasons, not least because it gets boring having to explain things to people all the time, I tend to not be out to the whole world. And, certainly, kids, especially young teens, can be wildly judgemental. My kids have already encountered backlash at declaring themselves atheists. I can imagine they'd get a lot worse if kids (and parents) knew their mom had several partners, not all of whom are guys. So we talk about keeping it quiet. Also, it's my private life. There's no need for all the kids at school to know about it. But still, things will happen. Some kid will be friends with someone I know who reads my blog and has mentioned it to them. That'll happen more as the kids get older. And that's ok. As they get older they have to start making life choices. And if their choices are better informed and they have more open minds about their options, and they know that whatever they do they should respect themselves and those they are involved with, then I've done my job well and I don't care who knows it.
My kids are awesome, and I have a great relationship with them. And their father is a remarkable man, who is happy to have them involved in my poly lifestyle as long as they know it's not the only option (which of course it isn't). I think everyone thinks their own kids are awesome. Whether they're emotionally and psychologically prepared to know about your being poly or about your sexuality depends on what you've taught them as they've grown up. And on how honest you are prepared to be with them. You've got to be straight with them. Don't beat around the bush. Obviously, I don't discuss my sex life with my kids, but if they ask me if I'm having sex with a particular partner, I'll tell them. If they ask me how to open a condom packet, I'll tell them that too. Wouldn't have told them that when they were seven, but they'll need to know if, if not now then within too few years. Condom packets can be surprisingly difficult to open, especially if you're nervous.
The caveats would be the same, I think, if I were mono: don't introduce someone new as your partner if you're not sure they're going to stick around. Don't put up with people who have no respect for your children or your relationship with them, no matter how cute they are. Don't force your children to spend time with someone they're ok with but don't have a great time with. And don't expect any of your partners to parent your children unless and until the relationship between the two of you is at a stage where that becomes part of your lives together.
Take it slow, be honest and everyone will be fine. Poly doesn't hurt kids. Bad relationships, of any stripe, do. But you knew that already.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)