How Not to be a Dick

Darlings,  I wish I knew. It's a daily mantra for me: Don't be a dick. And and important one. One can't always avoid it. It's human nature, I'm quite sure, to be mostly selfish, relatively grasping, as manipulative as one can get away with, and generally a bit of a dick to other people as long as it's making us feel good. Being a grown-up - or some iteration thereof - means recognising those moments as often as possible and, relatively if not equally often, trying to not be said dick. Particularly tough moments arise when we are feeling vulnerable, or defensive. In poly life, you can guess, there are many opportunities for vulnerable and/or defensive moments.

Here are two useful pointers (useful to me, anyway).

1. You don't know what your partner is thinking. You may be convinced you do. You may know them so well that you can get a pretty good idea of what they're thinking. Still. Unless they say "this is what I think", and articulate their thoughts and/or feelings clearly and you confirm with them that you have understood what they said, you don't know. You have no idea. Don't behave as if you do. Especially don't be a dick because you think you know what they're thinking and it's making you feel vulnerable/defensive.
2. Your partner doesn't know what you're thinking. They're not a mind-reader. They also can't divine the content of conversation you've had with other partners, or your sister, or your bestie. If you haven't told them something directly, chances are they don't know it. Don't behave as if they do, or should. Don't be a dick because it makes you feel vulnerable or defensive to have to share stuff with them.

We are not mind readers. Communication is key. Yes, we get freaking tired of the constant talking about stuff, and having to repeat yourself three times because you have three partners and each of them needs to be properly filled in on why you are thrilled to bits or a sobbing mess is boring, but it's very very necessary.

Here endeth today's sermon.

Wow, it's been a while

I'm sorry I haven't written in forever, dear reader(s). Last year went .... well, pear-shaped is a kind description. Last year went for a ball of shit, frankly. I have many, many things to say about this. I had things to say all along, but there were a lot of emotions flying around and I wasn't sure if all of them were real emotions or some were just my brain messing with me because of stress. Some stuff I'm still not sure about. But I'm ready to start talking about it.

Last weekend I spent time with some wonderful old friends, and one of them reminded me of the reason I write this blog: if even one person can unravel the weirdness of being in a relationship with one or more other people a little more easily because of something I've said, I've contributed something good to the world. Or something.

So prepare to learn about The Answer to Why You Shouldn't Move in With All Your Romantic Partners; The Big Issue With Falling Into Relationships Instead of Consciously Choosing Them; The Revelation Regarding Self-Help Books (Especially Love Languages); The Glory of House Meetings; How I Learned to Be a Joiner and Then Hated Everyone and Left, and more exciting installments. Possibly slowly, because I'm still doing that thing where I work all day and learn to be a sex educator also, and running a household. And I'm getting old so I go to bed early.

Be good, chickens. Leave me comments so I know you're still out there and maybe care about these Adventures in Love, Life and Putting on Weight.

Ketchup

What did the mustard say to the tomato sauce when it lagged behind? 'Oy, ketchup!'

Ok, sorry, couldn't help myself. I've been blogligent. No, I thought that could be a word but it really isn't. I've been negligent about blogging. Sorry. Been kinda busy.

I moved. I now live in a big (but apparently not big enough) house with two boyfriends, two children, five cats and a really hyperactive Jack Russell.

The cats are not getting on. And they don't like the dog. Except for my one small cat, who loves the dog but won't go out to visit with him because the other cats might be out there. Urgh. Seriously, this has been the single biggest problem we've faced in the moving in saga. It has nearly caused Boyfriend #1 and I to break up at least twice. I wanted to move out within a week of moving in. So here is my first tip for blending families:

TIP: Sort out the damn pets. If I knew exactly how to do that, I would've done it. Get a pet psychologist, or something. Whatever. Pets will be the death of your relationship. Well, maybe not the death, but they'll put some serious strain on that shit. And I do have friends who will break up with a person who dislikes their cats, so it could be the death.

Also, my ex has been very ill, so the children are living with us full-time. And my ex in-laws have been around a lot. And I've been worried sick because I do still love this man and we co-parent these remarkable children. That has not helped. Luckily, my partners have been super-supportive. Even though none of them bought into the full-time children deal, they've dealt with it amazingly, and been fantastic at supporting, loving and caring for all of us. And at having truncated, not particularly sexy dates, because children and stress.

In fact, thanks to our new living arrangements, my kids now sit down at table every night to a lovingly prepared meal. We chat, laugh, eat, share the clearing up. When it was just the three of us, the kids and I tended to go for trays in front of the TV. Now we have real mealtimes. It's a treat. And trays in front of the TV is another kind of treat. Which is the way it should be.

My girlfriend has had some problems in her live-in relationship. Not fun stuff, but I'm so very proud of how hard she and her boyfriend are working to learn and grow individually and together from it. It was all drama all the time for a few days, and that was hard on our relationship, but the two of us also learned and grew and that was great.

Been a lot of learning and growing. I'm reading More Than Two (slowly - it's a whopperload of information to take in) and that's been greatly comforting to me. Good to know that my slow practise has brought me to a lot of understanding already, and good to know that my inevitable buggerups are not just because I'm a moron, or never going to get this right, but because it's both absolutely intuitive and yet totally against all our conditioning and much of our psychology to be in multiple relationships. We have to work, quite hard, to get through that. Totally worth it, though. I'm going to say totes worth it, just to annoy the boyfriends (heheheh).

So that's a brief catchup, kittens. I'll be back soon with news of My Important Life Decision (yep, another one) and updates on how polyhousehold is going.

End Goal

I've been reading a lot of Kimchi Cuddles lately. Loving it so much I can't actually express. It's like at least every third panel I'm going 'Yes! Yes that makes so much sense, I love you Tikva, can I marry you and have your babies?'. Well, maybe not, but can I love you forevermore?

Which brings me to the point of this post. Can I marry you and have your babies. Kimchi talks about the Relationship Escalator. We're trained from quite young that the way relationships go is you're monogamous, and there's a progression. Meet, date, date exclusively, move in, marry, children. Happily ever after. (That's the training, not the reality.) Depending on what you're taught, sex happens around the date exclusively mark. For some, they're taught that sex does not happen until you're married. That is one I've been trying to wrap my head around. It's the biggest load of bollocks I can imagine. It's so absurd to me that, when recently pressed, I couldn't even bother to argue why it's bollocks. I just tried to elucidate it for this blog but frankly I can't be arsed. If you actually think that marriage is some kind of magic point at which sex becomes sacred or the relationship is somehow exempt from ever ending, or, worst of worst, that women who are not 'virginal' are somehow not valuable enough to make a marriage-style commitment to... Ugh. That makes me puke in my mouth a little. And don't even get me started on how 'virginity' is defined in that setup. If you think that penis in vagina sex defines virginity, or defines sex, or the bit I got sidetracked from when I said 'if you actually think' before, then you probably shouldn't be reading this blog, because I'm sure to offend you.

Why, why, why? What is that shit? Why do we ask 'where is this going?' Why would someone who's been sort of long-distance dating one of my partners for roughly three months, and actually been in the same space with him about four times in that period, ask him if he would consider ever actually getting married (subtext: to her) and why oh why would that be a dealbreaker, especially so early in the relationship? Ok, to be fair to her, the ultimate dealbreaker was this poly business. It's pretty tough, when your end goal is get married, have sex, make babies, to build that relationship while one partner is having a happily sexual relationship with someone else. If I was trying on celibacy for a bit, I'd find it super-difficult to have one of my partners doing the naughty with someone else. Mainly because I'd keep imagining it and getting all hot and horny and that makes it hard to stay celibate. I'm digressing, again.

But ffs. It makes me cringe that there are people for whom this is the actual relationship model. I mean, I have absolutely no problem with two (or three or four...) people waking up one day and going 'you know what, I love you and this shit is totally working between us. Let's have a big-ass party and get presents and tell the whole world we want to be together all the time. While we're at it, let's do it legally too, cause that solves a whole bunch of practical issues.' But people who enter into a relationship with 'it's either marriage potential or it isn't, and if it isn't, I'm out'? Wow. How many awesome awesome relationships are they missing out on? How much chance to learn so much about themselves and who they are in a relationship and how to do this dance we call romance? How much heartbreak and heartmend do they miss, and how much do they cause?

To be clear (yeah, because that rant above was super-clear): it's a great idea to examine your relationships and how they make you feel and whether the space they're in is a healthy one for everyone, etc. It's a great idea to allow relationships to grow and evolve and change. It's just a really really stupid idea to expect them to evolve in a particular direction. They won't. They'll do their own thing, as they should. And if you're focused on that one direction, you're going to miss the total amazingness that is the multiple other directions they might or do go in. And I'm not all that and a snackwich.... I sometimes miss those bits, and I sometimes fall prey to the old narrative and wonder where a relationship is going. And I'm perfectly aware that I've lived that narrative.. I've been married and had kids and I speak from a place of knowing just what a big fat lie that narrative is, and for someone much younger and more hopeful my knowledge is just sad cynicism.

Grab the rainbow, kittens.... Stay off the escalator and just live the relationship. There ain't nothing wrong with commitment, but there ain't nothing wrong with living in the day either. In the immortal words of my beloved bestie: Life is too short to worry about it. Life is long, all things will come around.

This stuff is *hard*

Yeesh. It's hard. It really is. Here are some things that are making it hard for me right now:

1. Delusions of normalcy

Despite my self-education and the support of many wonderful people and the fact that polyamory is practically mainstream these days, I have these moments and even whole days when I think that there's something wrong with me. I think that there is a 'proper' and 'normal' way to do relationships and I'm not doing it right.

And then I hate myself for even thinking that. Because that is some stupid shit right there. But you can see how this little cycle is a pleasant one, emotionally.

2. Spoons

I prefer the term 'criplets', myself. Mostly because riffing on the theme of criplets is how Boyfriend #2 got me to fall for him virtually instantly at a party. I can't for the life of me remember where it comes from and of course if I google it I find all sorts of stuff about crippled people that suddenly makes it seem a wildly inappropriate term. I also don't know where 'spoons' come from, unless it's because there are *never* enough teaspoons in a given cutlery drawer.

In any case, this refers to 'units of time and energy'. So I might have enough time to fit in a date, but not enough energy, or vice-versa. Or I may really want to have a date but I have neither the time nor the energy to do so. That's emotional, physical, sexual etc energy, btw. Love may be unlimited, but criplets/ spoons necessarily are.

Oh and my spoons are prrrreeettty stretched. Stretched spoons. Three committed romantic partners plus two teenagers plus challenging job plus friends. Streeeettttccchhhheed.

3. Just bloody life

I like routine. Without routine, there is nothing to rebel against. Without routine, I get a bit lost. I like organisation, and planning. I don't mind spontaneity, as long as you remember the blanket and the cheese knife and the condoms in your spontaneous packing. Without planning, I feel overwhelmed.

Life does not give a hoot about my desire for routine and planning. Life will throw in sickness and dead car batteries and missing cats and school projects and whatever it bloody likes and I will feel completely overwhelmed. But because I am organisyplannychick, my partners will expect that I will take it in stride and work with it. And then I cry a bit and feel sorry for myself. If I let them see that and don't carry on trying to organise and plan shit regardless, they help me to feel better.

4. Metamors

I gained a metamor earlier this year. A metamor is a partner's partner, in case you were wondering. So Boyfriend #1 has the wonderful New Girlfriend. I like her so much. I like her boyfriend so much. I'm still terrified. And dealing with the weird jealousy and insecurity is scary as shit. I think I'm doing ok. I hope.

I lost a metamor a few weeks ago. That was sad but necessary. I feel like we've been mourning it since then and I'm a little over that. I totally understand that Boyfriend #2 needs to work his way through this. It's just one of the weird things about poly: you get to be in a relationship with someone while they're going through the hard work of getting over another relationship. Hmm, I think that might be a whole 'nother blog post.

5. Space

My two boyfriends are living together in one big house. The big house that I will be moving into, with my kids, in a few months. So at the moment I live somewhere between my house and that house. It feels very unsettled. And I don't know where my space is. I have to figure this out.

Ok. That's my whine for today. Feel free to ask if I've just said a bunch of confusing stuff that makes no sense. I have a feeling this year is going to be a steep learning curve for my whole poly family, so best I make sense when I write about it if it's going to be of use to anyone else.

Or not getting any

Sometimes, it's like this.

Boyfriend #1 is stressed about work and money and all sorts of perfectly reasonably stressful things. He's grumpy, and not feeling sexy.

Boyfriend #2 is a bit sad still about his breakup last week and is also worrying about work and money, and now has gone away on holiday for a few days.

Girlfriend has some personal shit to work on and is also stressed about work. And we're still in that weird phase where we're almost but not quite having sex. I know, it's stupid. We're being dumb and should just do it already. We know. Doesn't help.

Me? Horny. That's what I am. Getting any? you ask... Nope. Because of all the above. So I've spent the week being loving and understanding (and occasionally mentioning I might like some action) when all I really want is one or all of them to do every possible thing they might like to do to my body, and then some. (Though let's be clear, they've also been loving and we've had a really good week romance-wise.)

Next week, at least one of them will feel better. Will I be horny then, you ask... Does Murphy have a law?

Accountability & Scheduling

Who am I accountable to? In my life, there are:

Boyfriend #1 + his girlfriend + her boyfriend
Boyfriend #2 + his girlfriend + her husband
Girlfriend #1 + her boyfriend
My children + their father

So those +'s are people I'm theoretically not directly accountable to. And the boyfriends are not directly accountable to the partners of their other girlfriends. But it just doesn't always work out that way. And often, in my life, I land up being the one who checks in with *everyone* when we're making plans - or at least reminds my partners that I can't take a plan as confirmed until they've checked in with their 'chain of accountability'. You have to wonder how we get anything done.

And this is why, this weekend, we'll be inaugurating a (hopefully) weekly scheduling meeting for as many of us as are able and willing to make it. We're basing it on this article, which gives a lot of handy ideas, including ways for us to include the people who live out of town and can't always be present. Afterwards, we'll have pizza and play games. So it's a playdate as well as a meeting. Setting that up required about 8 messages, and I'm pretty sure the boyfriends didn't actually check in with their other girlfriends before agreeing to it (not so bad, since neither of them have plans with those girlfriends for Sunday afternoon). This means, of course, that either or both of the girlfriends won't be there, which is not great but at least we can get this thing off the ground. Because we need to. I'm now up to 5 out of 7 nights in a week booked as date nights. Add busy jobs and other projects in to that, for myself and the others, and it starts to look a bit crazy.

Because at the end of the day, I'm accountable to everyone in my relationship circle. I'm entitled to expect that my partners will be accountable to their partners, and will maintain open, honest communications with everyone. But if I'm not taking the needs of others into account when I'm advocating for my own needs (and vice versa), we're all going to land up too stretched. I need to remember, if I want or need to change date night with my girlfriend, that her boyfriend may have plans for them that night. Plans he might not even yet have mentioned to her because he's entitled, to some extent, to expect that our date night stays the same from week to week. And I have to check with Boyfriend #1 that he's ok that I'm moving that date to a night we often treat as an 'informal' date night. In case he was making a list of 'new house tasks' I might help him with that night.

Sounds like so much work, doesn't it? It kind of is. Check out how many date nights I get, though. <smiles> As Boyfriend #2 recently noted, just because we are the kind of people to whom the emotional/ romantic side of poly comes very naturally, doesn't mean we have to do less work at the day-to-day logistics stuff. It just means we are really committed to doing it, because these relationships make us happy. And they really do.

Focus... Tough one

Yoh! What a week it's turning out to be folks. And it's really brought home one of the toughest things (I think) to get right when you're in multiple relationships - focus. We talk a lot about time management, and balancing the actual time you spend with each of your partners. And we talk sometimes about the quality of that time. In fact, I noted in my recent blog post that one of the things I'm thinking about is how that quality might be different between an official 'date' and just time spent in the same space doing day-to-day things.

But then there's focus. If I'm on a date with Girlfriend #1, but I'm not paying full attention to her because my focus lies elsewhere, that ain't great. And it can be hard to switch focus. This week, I'm really struggling with that, because:

Boyfriend #1's parent is very ill. Scarily ill. This is painful and frightening for him, and he needs to feel supported and loved. He really doesn't need to be distracted by discussing our time management plans for February, and he really needs me to stay focused and there for him at any time. Because illness is not going to schedule itself around us.

But: Boyfriend #2 has just made some important life decisions and I'm committed to helping him, where needed, to implement those decisions. This also impacts on our future relationship, so now is a time when we're starting to work that stuff out.

And: As you know from yesterday's post, I've just embarked on this new journey with Girlfriend #1. It's important to me that we don't let things get in the way of this, and that she doesn't feel taken for granted because of our existing relationship.

And let's not forget there are teenage kids who need me to be focused on them and their needs, pretty much all the time. Oh, and the new job, where I'm still learning and developing.

Luckily for me, all of my partners are amazing, and they understand what's going on and are being immensely supportive. That doesn't change that I'm feeling a bit whacked with a sandbag. It's tough, because my instinct is to be there for everyone, and not let anyone feel that they are not getting enough focus. I have to reign that in. I know what's most important is to communicate with everyone, and to do what I can, when I can. And to look after myself too, so I don't crash emotionally just when, potentially, I'm most needed.

Not all moonlight and roses, readers. But this is what I signed up for. I *want* these relationships to be deep and stable and the kind where we can rely on each other in times of crisis. I *want* to find that balance of time and focus that makes us all feel safe. So it's onward and upward. With extra vitamins and no tv, because sleep is definitely needed.

Absence and the heart

I'm excited today. I haven't seen boyfriend #2 for quite a while. I think it's probably only been a month, but it feels very long. I'm used to not seeing him during the week, but seeing him every weekend. He has had another friend visiting, and there was some romantic potential. When he told us she was coming, we all thought we'd get to meet her, and also to see him, while she was here. It didn't work out that way. So it's been a while, and today he is coming to visit.

I have missed him terribly, and at the same time it's been fine. I've been frustrated, because I know there's lots going on around this visit, which he doesn't communicate because he really can only talk about important things in person. Texting is just too alien for him when it comes to personal stuff. And at the same time that's been fine. For some days, when she first arrived, he didn't communicate at all. That wasn't really fine. Mostly because I'm deeply paranoid and require proof of life at least every 48 hours or my brain concocts dreadful car accidents or mysterious sudden illnesses. Also because #2 knows this, and knows that girlfriend #2 and I need a little acknowledgement from time to time. But then he came back online, and since then he's been pretty good about responding to messages. And sensitive and caring in his responses.

I've missed him a lot, but I don't feel like a part of me is missing. And that is a really good thing. We're so ingrained to feel that a lover or partner fills some missing piece of our personal jigsaw that often we don't feel whole unless we're with that person. Now, there's something to be said for partners who balance you, or help you fill in your own blanks in some way. It's something I like in my partners - between them they make me more of the person I am, and want to be. But if you're relying on one person to complete you in some way, you're going to come short. All of us are wandering this world feeling like there are pieces missing. It's simply the way of life. Nobody can fill your missing pieces except you. And it is much, much easier to live the poly lifestyle if you understand that.

I am not responsible for my partners' happiness. I am responsible for ensuring that I don't hurt them, or cause them unhappiness. I am responsible for keeping promises to be there for them if they need me, in happiness or unhappiness. But their happiness, and finding their missing pieces, is up to them. I can't save them from the world. And they can't save me. We can hold hands, though, and that feels really good.

Day-to-day - or: what's preoccupying me right now

I cancelled a night away tomorrow night. Now, I have an arrangement with boyfriend #2 and girlfriend #2 that if I'm not going to be there, and when girlfriend #2's partner is at home, they use my home so they can have some alone time. I just messed up a plan for that by changing my plans for this weekend. I'll be home on Saturday night, as will my kids. Here's what's going around and around in my mind:

1. I feel bad. I know they're going to want some time together and I can't facilitate that.
2. I know I shouldn't feel bad. They both understand the circumstances, and they both make it clear that they appreciate my sharing my space when I can.
3. I'm afraid that girlfriend #2 will be angry or upset with me for setting this back. 
4. I know that's a stupid thing to be afraid of. Of course she won't. But I am still.
5. I also know that they had a lot of time when her primary was away and they were able to spend time at her place. And that when her primary is here they've often stayed at my place, so one time it gets messed up isn't a train-smash.
6. I still feel bad.
7. I worry that girlfriend #2 will want to change the rest of the weekend plans, which otherwise work out quite well for me.
8. But I miss girlfriend #2, who I don't see often enough, so then I think maybe a triad night would be fun for all of us.
9. But then when will each of us have individual time with the boyfriend?
10. We still don't actually know if boyfriend #2 can come to town this weekend, so all of this could be moot.
11. When am I actually going to spend time with boyfriend #1, who may or may not be working the whole weekend? How is that a potential spanner in the works?

This is all kind of silly, you'll agree. But this is what's occupying my thoughts today. And yes, I will definitely talk about jealousy at some point. I'm imagining some of you going: "wait, what? You are cool with your boyfriend having another girlfriend is one thing, but having them stay in your house? Do they sleep in your bed? How does this all work?" I'll get to that. Fear not.

EDIT; Yeah, he's not coming, so that solves that problem. So girlfriend #2 and I are going to have a date night instead. Sort of. Yay. Don't get nearly enough girlfriend date nights.