This stuff is *hard*

Yeesh. It's hard. It really is. Here are some things that are making it hard for me right now:

1. Delusions of normalcy

Despite my self-education and the support of many wonderful people and the fact that polyamory is practically mainstream these days, I have these moments and even whole days when I think that there's something wrong with me. I think that there is a 'proper' and 'normal' way to do relationships and I'm not doing it right.

And then I hate myself for even thinking that. Because that is some stupid shit right there. But you can see how this little cycle is a pleasant one, emotionally.

2. Spoons

I prefer the term 'criplets', myself. Mostly because riffing on the theme of criplets is how Boyfriend #2 got me to fall for him virtually instantly at a party. I can't for the life of me remember where it comes from and of course if I google it I find all sorts of stuff about crippled people that suddenly makes it seem a wildly inappropriate term. I also don't know where 'spoons' come from, unless it's because there are *never* enough teaspoons in a given cutlery drawer.

In any case, this refers to 'units of time and energy'. So I might have enough time to fit in a date, but not enough energy, or vice-versa. Or I may really want to have a date but I have neither the time nor the energy to do so. That's emotional, physical, sexual etc energy, btw. Love may be unlimited, but criplets/ spoons necessarily are.

Oh and my spoons are prrrreeettty stretched. Stretched spoons. Three committed romantic partners plus two teenagers plus challenging job plus friends. Streeeettttccchhhheed.

3. Just bloody life

I like routine. Without routine, there is nothing to rebel against. Without routine, I get a bit lost. I like organisation, and planning. I don't mind spontaneity, as long as you remember the blanket and the cheese knife and the condoms in your spontaneous packing. Without planning, I feel overwhelmed.

Life does not give a hoot about my desire for routine and planning. Life will throw in sickness and dead car batteries and missing cats and school projects and whatever it bloody likes and I will feel completely overwhelmed. But because I am organisyplannychick, my partners will expect that I will take it in stride and work with it. And then I cry a bit and feel sorry for myself. If I let them see that and don't carry on trying to organise and plan shit regardless, they help me to feel better.

4. Metamors

I gained a metamor earlier this year. A metamor is a partner's partner, in case you were wondering. So Boyfriend #1 has the wonderful New Girlfriend. I like her so much. I like her boyfriend so much. I'm still terrified. And dealing with the weird jealousy and insecurity is scary as shit. I think I'm doing ok. I hope.

I lost a metamor a few weeks ago. That was sad but necessary. I feel like we've been mourning it since then and I'm a little over that. I totally understand that Boyfriend #2 needs to work his way through this. It's just one of the weird things about poly: you get to be in a relationship with someone while they're going through the hard work of getting over another relationship. Hmm, I think that might be a whole 'nother blog post.

5. Space

My two boyfriends are living together in one big house. The big house that I will be moving into, with my kids, in a few months. So at the moment I live somewhere between my house and that house. It feels very unsettled. And I don't know where my space is. I have to figure this out.

Ok. That's my whine for today. Feel free to ask if I've just said a bunch of confusing stuff that makes no sense. I have a feeling this year is going to be a steep learning curve for my whole poly family, so best I make sense when I write about it if it's going to be of use to anyone else.

Accountability & Scheduling

Who am I accountable to? In my life, there are:

Boyfriend #1 + his girlfriend + her boyfriend
Boyfriend #2 + his girlfriend + her husband
Girlfriend #1 + her boyfriend
My children + their father

So those +'s are people I'm theoretically not directly accountable to. And the boyfriends are not directly accountable to the partners of their other girlfriends. But it just doesn't always work out that way. And often, in my life, I land up being the one who checks in with *everyone* when we're making plans - or at least reminds my partners that I can't take a plan as confirmed until they've checked in with their 'chain of accountability'. You have to wonder how we get anything done.

And this is why, this weekend, we'll be inaugurating a (hopefully) weekly scheduling meeting for as many of us as are able and willing to make it. We're basing it on this article, which gives a lot of handy ideas, including ways for us to include the people who live out of town and can't always be present. Afterwards, we'll have pizza and play games. So it's a playdate as well as a meeting. Setting that up required about 8 messages, and I'm pretty sure the boyfriends didn't actually check in with their other girlfriends before agreeing to it (not so bad, since neither of them have plans with those girlfriends for Sunday afternoon). This means, of course, that either or both of the girlfriends won't be there, which is not great but at least we can get this thing off the ground. Because we need to. I'm now up to 5 out of 7 nights in a week booked as date nights. Add busy jobs and other projects in to that, for myself and the others, and it starts to look a bit crazy.

Because at the end of the day, I'm accountable to everyone in my relationship circle. I'm entitled to expect that my partners will be accountable to their partners, and will maintain open, honest communications with everyone. But if I'm not taking the needs of others into account when I'm advocating for my own needs (and vice versa), we're all going to land up too stretched. I need to remember, if I want or need to change date night with my girlfriend, that her boyfriend may have plans for them that night. Plans he might not even yet have mentioned to her because he's entitled, to some extent, to expect that our date night stays the same from week to week. And I have to check with Boyfriend #1 that he's ok that I'm moving that date to a night we often treat as an 'informal' date night. In case he was making a list of 'new house tasks' I might help him with that night.

Sounds like so much work, doesn't it? It kind of is. Check out how many date nights I get, though. <smiles> As Boyfriend #2 recently noted, just because we are the kind of people to whom the emotional/ romantic side of poly comes very naturally, doesn't mean we have to do less work at the day-to-day logistics stuff. It just means we are really committed to doing it, because these relationships make us happy. And they really do.

Poly Playdates & Focus

So that last post was about the focus problem, and how I was having trouble last week. Well, the remarkable girlfriend reminded me that when we're stretched a bit thin, the poly playdate can be a real lifesaver. Instead of trying to find space for kids and boyfriend and girlfriend (plus the social engagements we had this weekend), we all got together and made nachos and watched a fun movie. I had the very great pleasure of having most of the people I love and want to spend my time with all in the same room, laughing and eating and having a good evening, and I feel loved and rejuvenated. And excited to see Boyfriend #1, who is back this evening from his time away visiting with his parent.

Focus... Tough one

Yoh! What a week it's turning out to be folks. And it's really brought home one of the toughest things (I think) to get right when you're in multiple relationships - focus. We talk a lot about time management, and balancing the actual time you spend with each of your partners. And we talk sometimes about the quality of that time. In fact, I noted in my recent blog post that one of the things I'm thinking about is how that quality might be different between an official 'date' and just time spent in the same space doing day-to-day things.

But then there's focus. If I'm on a date with Girlfriend #1, but I'm not paying full attention to her because my focus lies elsewhere, that ain't great. And it can be hard to switch focus. This week, I'm really struggling with that, because:

Boyfriend #1's parent is very ill. Scarily ill. This is painful and frightening for him, and he needs to feel supported and loved. He really doesn't need to be distracted by discussing our time management plans for February, and he really needs me to stay focused and there for him at any time. Because illness is not going to schedule itself around us.

But: Boyfriend #2 has just made some important life decisions and I'm committed to helping him, where needed, to implement those decisions. This also impacts on our future relationship, so now is a time when we're starting to work that stuff out.

And: As you know from yesterday's post, I've just embarked on this new journey with Girlfriend #1. It's important to me that we don't let things get in the way of this, and that she doesn't feel taken for granted because of our existing relationship.

And let's not forget there are teenage kids who need me to be focused on them and their needs, pretty much all the time. Oh, and the new job, where I'm still learning and developing.

Luckily for me, all of my partners are amazing, and they understand what's going on and are being immensely supportive. That doesn't change that I'm feeling a bit whacked with a sandbag. It's tough, because my instinct is to be there for everyone, and not let anyone feel that they are not getting enough focus. I have to reign that in. I know what's most important is to communicate with everyone, and to do what I can, when I can. And to look after myself too, so I don't crash emotionally just when, potentially, I'm most needed.

Not all moonlight and roses, readers. But this is what I signed up for. I *want* these relationships to be deep and stable and the kind where we can rely on each other in times of crisis. I *want* to find that balance of time and focus that makes us all feel safe. So it's onward and upward. With extra vitamins and no tv, because sleep is definitely needed.

Moving on in

Continuing with the changes in my life: in a few months, I will be moving in with Boyfriend #1. In many ways, this is simply a practical choice. We've found that it's frankly a pain in the ass for us to keep travelling back and forth to each other's houses. It cuts into our time. When we have tasks we need to do at our respective homes, we have to fit them around the times that we're spending out of those homes, and the time that the other one is in our home. Though we've been together so long, we still tend to spend our time together sitting chatting (or, yes, in bed). So, two to four nights a week and often at least one weekend afternoon, neither of us can get anything done because we want to be in the same space and that means, essentially, a date.

That's a big chunk of our time. And with being poly already requiring a certain amount of time-management, it gets silly. Now that we both have other partners, we realised we either have to give up some of our evenings together to fit in other dates *and* household errands (not to mention that both of us actually require alone time to recharge), or come to a better arrangement.

So, we move in together. This raises all sorts of questions about whether he will be, or actually already is, my "primary".

I dislike the terms "primary" and "secondary". I dislike the idea of hierarchical relationships. And I know, both philosophically and because I've lived through it, that relationships are prone to change.

Sometimes small change - patterns and habits developed over years are disrupted for many reasons. For example, a partner who once worked from home and was always available may get an office job and the dynamic changes. Emotionally, relationships ebb and wane to some degree. We go through periods of wanting to be together every free moment, and periods of being quite content to see one another a couple of times a week (still loving one another, just having other things we're concentrating on, and secure in the knowledge that this ebb and wane is natural and will ebb, or wane, again).

And big change happens. When #1 and I got together, I lived with my husband and children and we believed (#1 and I) that we would never live together, probably never even be able to go away on holiday as a couple. Sometimes people have to move for work, or switch from flexi-hours to working long hours that make them tired and unavailable for long periods.

Are we supposed, in times like that, to hold "secondary" partners at arms length? Are we supposed, during a waning period in one relationship, to artificially induce or hold back an ebb in another relationship so as to give one the "upper hand"? It's silly.

That said, Boyfriend #2 and I have been discussing this. We like to talk semantics. He's rather opinionated on the use of inappropriately generalised or unusefully specific terms, and both of us feel it hampers much of the material available for poly support. Yet there aren't 'better' ways to describe things, at this point. Which doesn't mean that terms like 'primary' and 'secondary' should remain in use. Merely that we need to work harder to describe the differences in relationships that occur in the poly lifestyle. And, because of course every relationship, and every set of relationships, will have its own quirks, restrictions, experiences, that's a pretty hard task.

So, here are some questions I'll be exploring over the coming while:

1. Can we really say "I love you all equally"? Does it make sense in the context of length of relationship, time spent together, and that quality of familiarity and comfort that comes from the combination of the above?
2. How do we describe the difference between a relationship that is still growing and evolving rapidly (as happens in the first year or two, say) and a relationship that is long-standing and stable, without reverting to hierarchic terminology?
3. How do we describe the difference between the relationship I have with the partner with whom I share my most private space (a master bedroom) and the partner with whom I spend a lot of time, including some nights of the week, but with whom I do not officially share that private space?
4. How do we describe the difference between either of those two and the relationship I have with the partner who is also a major part of my family but who lives elsewhere with another partner with whom she shares her most private space?
5. How do we decide, whether we are in or out of the poly closet (though in the case of out it's slightly easier), which of those partners attends work and family functions?
6. How do we ascertain, or examine, the difference in quality of time spent with partners who have official 'date nights' and the partner with whom we share the day-to-day comforts of a long-term live-in relationship? How do we value both?
7. How do we make decisions, if we want to make a family, about who should be included in the living arrangements and how they are included?
8. How do our partners' other partners, existing and possible future, fit into these arrangements? 
9. And, so very much not least, is it extremely important to work all this stuff out? And if we even work it out to some degree, isn't it likely to evolve, just as our relationships evolve?

Next in my current blogging spree: Girlfriend #1-and-only and the year of making it happen.

Time Management. Further thoughts.

There are a *lot* of tools on the market for time management. Because, obviously, needing to allocate time to things is not only the purview of the poly. Poly people talk about time management, and about these tools, often. There is a definite favouring of Google calendars. Perfectly simple idea, really - a shared calendar that allows everyone in a relationship group to see where the others are already booked up and where space might be available for a date or other activity. I tried it. Set up my calendar all nice, filled in the set date nights, added any events I was planning on attending, shared it with the boyfriends and girlfriend. Yeah. They looked at it once. I still try to keep it vaguely updated. Just in case.

The thing is this (besides general slackness, obviously): time management in poly relationships isn't only about scheduling. Because of the way I work, I actually want to be spending time with all of my partners all of the time. I don't feel comfortable partitioning people. But, you know, that doesn't always work, especially for more intimate activities. But there's also life, and how it's going for everyone. If my girlfriend is busy, as she often is, with studies, she's less available to see me. But then she'll have a gap, or we'll just get 'never mind the studies I miss you blues'. And then we have to spend time together. It's not always easy to schedule that. Or I might agree that boyfriend #2 should spend Saturday night with girlfriend #2, then realise that we all really need some time together, or her other partner may need her attention, or boyfriend #2 may not be able to get to town that weekend. I may schedule a camping trip with boyfriend #1 and have it cancelled at the last minute because he has to be at work. In all of these cases, people who were available for lovetime become not, or vice-versa.

And then there's just emotional stuff. For me, any time with any of my loves is wonderful. But of course, there'll be times when I really need some extra time with one of them, because they've been studying for weeks, or working long hours, or just because I'm feeling that way.

Ya see how Google calendar doesn't really sort that shit out for you? And in my case, the girlfriends are wonderful at organising and making plans, while the boyfriends rather like to have the plans made and then just arrive at the appropriate time. And let's not forget both girlfriends have other partners they have to include in their plans.

Isn't the poly life sounding like a great deal of fun? Actually, as long as everyone is on the same page in understanding these issues, we have so far managed pretty well. Just, we really don't fit into any of those nice templates I find on poly support sites for managing this sort of stuff. So I feel I'm bumbling along a lot of the time. Including this weekend.

Time management. Oh boy.

I'm going to jump around a lot, I'm afraid. I'll talk about what's concerning me or what I'm thinking about at the time. Sorry if that's confusing.

Right now, I'm at an interesting phase. When I met boyfriend #2... Eesh, I hate referring to them like this. But for now we'll stick with it, okay? I'll figure something out. So, when I met boyfriend #2 I had no idea I was going to fall for him and want something long-term. Less still that he'd feel similarly (and more on my insecurities about how he actually feels in a different post). And I knew he was planning to leave town some time this year. Consequently, boyfriend #1 had no problems allowing the extra time it would take to get to know this new guy, and see where it went. This was compounded by the fact that #2 could only really spend time with me on weekends. And so it began, and before we all knew it there was the triad (yeah, more on that... lots more on that, in upcoming posts), and my weekends were pretty much full. But always #2 was going to be leaving any day now. Then he did leave. Well. He said goodbye. It was pretty traumatic for all of us. We all, including he, thought he'd be gone for several months. And he will be, some time. Just, well... plans did not work out and now he is still here, and will be for a few months more, we think.

And now, here's the thing. For this whole year it's been like we were playing at this relationship. And at the triad. We were serious, are serious, about each other. We intend to continue. But he has things to do first. Except now that we've realised how we were just kind of living in a strange bubble, we can't do that any more. We have to treat things properly. I'm being kind of vague here. To illustrate: I had reached a point where I didn't believe he really wanted to be in a romantic relationship with me. I expected that when he returned we would turn out to just be friends. I didn't actually discuss this with him. I just decided that's what he was projecting. And I didn't want him to have to deal with a dramatic or upset girlfriend when he had to leave, so I just didn't say anything. And then he didn't leave, and so I told him how I felt. And I was wrong, it turns out. Quite wrong. Huh. Who'da thunk? And now we've had that conversation, including why I didn't tell him about it before. Things are different now.

Going back to boyfriend #1. He's a bit over the not seeing me on weekends and he's really had about enough of the disney chemicals (polyspeak for how you go gaga over someone new you're falling in love with). He wants to have reasonable weekend time with me, and he's absolutely right.

But, damnit, #2 is still actually going to be leaving. And it's still not that far off. Only now it's worse because now we're trying to build this relationship properly and not just shove the difficult bits under the rug. And he's still pretty much only available on weekends.

How do I do this, reader? Well, I'll keep you posted. Step 1 is a talk with the boys. Step 2 is to talk with the girlfriends, who also want my time; and of course girlfriend #2 wants boyfriend #2's time and attention as well (you see how this codename thing is going to be annoying very soon?). A very important step is not to feel that this is entirely my responsibility. That's too much for me to take on. Everyone has to speak up for their needs and wants, and help the rest of us to find ways to accommodate that. Otherwise it'll just land up with none of us really getting what we want. Ha! You see. Right there. Important poly tip. Know what you need and want and be prepared to speak up for it. (Caveat: don't be a dick about it though.)