Interconnection

Last week my boyfriend was breaking up with his other girlfriend. Or she was breaking up with him. From my perspective, what happened was that he insisted that they talk about their relationship, seriously, and after they did she broke up with him. Things had been off for some time. When they met last year, as when I met him, he was leaving the country. Possibly never to return. We all let each other get away with a lot of selfish, irresponsible and often quite boring behaviour, because it didn't seem worth using the precious short time we had trying to fix that.

Hah! Lesson number one. Consider it thoroughly learned. There is no excuse for allowing yourself to be manipulated or disrespected. Especially if you know perfectly well that it's happening. There is no excuse for disrespecting even a short-term partner. And then plus if one of you doesn't leave the country.... yeesh there's a lot of work to break those bad habits.

Annnyway... so last week was tough. Boyfriend #2 knew the relationship was probably coming to an end. He wanted it not to be horrible. He hoped maybe his girlfriend would in fact not want to break up and would turn out to really be poly. She's not. She's been very unhappy for quite some time because she tried to make herself be poly in order to be with him.

Lesson number two. You can't force yourself to be poly. And you shouldn't. And nobody else should force you to be. You also can't force yourself to be ok with poly. There are cases where poly/mono relationships can work. But if you're making the person you really love (her husband) unhappy so that you can explore a relationship with someone you love but want all to yourself (our mutual boyfriend) and that someone is poly..... hooo, that's a fucking mess. She saw that. She did the right thing for herself and her husband and her boyfriend. She ended it. That was sad, for all of us.

So I looked for resources on how to deal with all of this stuff. Because I was really angry with her at one point. Still am, in some ways. Things got messy and relationship boundaries were not respected and I had good reasons to be angry. But I knew it was a difficult time for her, and I although I didn't appreciate the behaviour, I saw where it was coming from.

What I wanted was some poly resources on how boyfriend and I could work together through this relationship crisis and possible breakup, without me being actually involved in the 'their relationship' part of it. How do I support my lover, and protect myself, and provide him with the advice and love he trusts me to provide in a situation like this, and still try very very hard not to interfere in what is actually going on?

I failed several times. I made him check texts when he didn't want to in case she was really upset. I asked for details when I shouldn't have because I wanted to understand her motivations - they weren't really my business. I needed help.

Couldn't find any. Not a sausage. Tons of stuff on how to make my metamour feel more comfortable. How to protect myself if my metamour is kind of a bitch. Mostly how to make her/ him feel more comfortable. Look, I am a super-nice person. I make everyone feel comfortable. And if you're not comfortable I will beat you over the head with my niceness until you are.

You get the point. No resources. And my support circle repeatedly said "it's his problem. He must deal with it. You just say no to this drama". But I couldn't do that. He is a big part of my life and this was the biggest thing happening in his week. And we are close. We talk about stuff. Emotions and shit. How is he supposed to just not talk to one of the people he's most used to talking to about relationships and his current life decisions? How am I supposed to just walk away from a situation that is clearly hurting people I care deeply about, and which has already impacted my life? Can't. Obvs.

Soooo... ya I don't actually have any answers yet. Writing posts about it and warbling at you is going to be my way of figuring it out. Something for y'all to look forward to...

Have a lovely week, kittens.

Poly Playdates & Focus

So that last post was about the focus problem, and how I was having trouble last week. Well, the remarkable girlfriend reminded me that when we're stretched a bit thin, the poly playdate can be a real lifesaver. Instead of trying to find space for kids and boyfriend and girlfriend (plus the social engagements we had this weekend), we all got together and made nachos and watched a fun movie. I had the very great pleasure of having most of the people I love and want to spend my time with all in the same room, laughing and eating and having a good evening, and I feel loved and rejuvenated. And excited to see Boyfriend #1, who is back this evening from his time away visiting with his parent.

Focus... Tough one

Yoh! What a week it's turning out to be folks. And it's really brought home one of the toughest things (I think) to get right when you're in multiple relationships - focus. We talk a lot about time management, and balancing the actual time you spend with each of your partners. And we talk sometimes about the quality of that time. In fact, I noted in my recent blog post that one of the things I'm thinking about is how that quality might be different between an official 'date' and just time spent in the same space doing day-to-day things.

But then there's focus. If I'm on a date with Girlfriend #1, but I'm not paying full attention to her because my focus lies elsewhere, that ain't great. And it can be hard to switch focus. This week, I'm really struggling with that, because:

Boyfriend #1's parent is very ill. Scarily ill. This is painful and frightening for him, and he needs to feel supported and loved. He really doesn't need to be distracted by discussing our time management plans for February, and he really needs me to stay focused and there for him at any time. Because illness is not going to schedule itself around us.

But: Boyfriend #2 has just made some important life decisions and I'm committed to helping him, where needed, to implement those decisions. This also impacts on our future relationship, so now is a time when we're starting to work that stuff out.

And: As you know from yesterday's post, I've just embarked on this new journey with Girlfriend #1. It's important to me that we don't let things get in the way of this, and that she doesn't feel taken for granted because of our existing relationship.

And let's not forget there are teenage kids who need me to be focused on them and their needs, pretty much all the time. Oh, and the new job, where I'm still learning and developing.

Luckily for me, all of my partners are amazing, and they understand what's going on and are being immensely supportive. That doesn't change that I'm feeling a bit whacked with a sandbag. It's tough, because my instinct is to be there for everyone, and not let anyone feel that they are not getting enough focus. I have to reign that in. I know what's most important is to communicate with everyone, and to do what I can, when I can. And to look after myself too, so I don't crash emotionally just when, potentially, I'm most needed.

Not all moonlight and roses, readers. But this is what I signed up for. I *want* these relationships to be deep and stable and the kind where we can rely on each other in times of crisis. I *want* to find that balance of time and focus that makes us all feel safe. So it's onward and upward. With extra vitamins and no tv, because sleep is definitely needed.