Hello kittens. A couple of posts back I talked about a Big Life Decision I'm working on. Well, this is it. I'm implementing a five year plan to become a Sex Educator. If all goes according to plan, my girlfriend will be joining me and we'll become rich and famous and... Ha! No, not rich and famous, though hopefully we'll be able to pay the bills. What we will be is fulfilled, we hope. Doing work that we are passionate about and that (hopefully) makes a difference.
Throughout my life, I, and many of the people I've known and loved, have been affected by a lack of knowledge and emotional understanding of sex. From people who take sex way too seriously to people who don't take it nearly seriously enough. People who've fallen pregnant or gotten STDs because they don't know enough about safer sex, or don't have the wherewithal to insist on it. People who have been abused or raped, by strangers and by partners. And those are just the people I know. All over our country, young people are growing up with barely a passing knowledge of their own anatomy, and very little information to help them make decisions about what is and isn't acceptable to them. Sex workers, unprotected and looked down upon, are unable to protect themselves from dangerous customers, johns who refuse condoms, or unsterilised needles. Getting an abortion may be legal, but it's not exactly easy, and every street corner offers 'cheap abortion', with an advert for illegal 'virility pills' right next to it.
We are not good at talking about sex in our country. We are really not good at being sex positive and treating sex and discussion of sexuality as healthy, important parts of life. We have very few sex educators, and they struggle to have their voices heard. Dr Eve, Catriona Boffard, Dorothy Black and some other very strong people have worked hard, and respect is due. But there's a loooong way to go.
Step 1, for me? Educate myself. I work in a sex shop, so that helps. I have access to books, and toys, and I spend a large part of my day talking to people about what they need from sex. I'm also privileged to know or have access to wonderful people from the LGBTI, poly and kink communities, who constantly educate me and others. Those of you who watched the recent SABC doccie on poly will know that the marvelous Avri Spilka spoke eloquently about emphasising safer sex. I continue to learn from her and many other amazing teachers and friends.
Educating myself includes expanding my own sexual horizons. I don't believe that I need to do everything in order to understand or talk about it, but I do need to try all the stuff on my bucket list. Butt plugs are featuring this week. I got a super-cute one yesterday. Nope, I've never used a butt plug. I'll let you know how it goes. (wink) I'll also be attending workshops and, hopefully soon, courses on counselling. (And yes, if you have any excellent suggestions, comment away kittens.)
Being poly doesn't make me awesome at sex. I may never be awesome at sex. But I'm going to work damn hard at being an awesome advocate for sex positivity, in my life and in my work, and at being the best I can be as a sex and sexuality educator. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to love this journey.
Next up, I'll be reviewing two BIG books on sex that I've just laid hands on... with extra commentary from my teens as to which is most useful from their perspective.
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
Thursday, 21 May 2015
End Goal
I've been reading a lot of Kimchi Cuddles lately. Loving it so much I can't actually express. It's like at least every third panel I'm going 'Yes! Yes that makes so much sense, I love you Tikva, can I marry you and have your babies?'. Well, maybe not, but can I love you forevermore?
Which brings me to the point of this post. Can I marry you and have your babies. Kimchi talks about the Relationship Escalator. We're trained from quite young that the way relationships go is you're monogamous, and there's a progression. Meet, date, date exclusively, move in, marry, children. Happily ever after. (That's the training, not the reality.) Depending on what you're taught, sex happens around the date exclusively mark. For some, they're taught that sex does not happen until you're married. That is one I've been trying to wrap my head around. It's the biggest load of bollocks I can imagine. It's so absurd to me that, when recently pressed, I couldn't even bother to argue why it's bollocks. I just tried to elucidate it for this blog but frankly I can't be arsed. If you actually think that marriage is some kind of magic point at which sex becomes sacred or the relationship is somehow exempt from ever ending, or, worst of worst, that women who are not 'virginal' are somehow not valuable enough to make a marriage-style commitment to... Ugh. That makes me puke in my mouth a little. And don't even get me started on how 'virginity' is defined in that setup. If you think that penis in vagina sex defines virginity, or defines sex, or the bit I got sidetracked from when I said 'if you actually think' before, then you probably shouldn't be reading this blog, because I'm sure to offend you.
Why, why, why? What is that shit? Why do we ask 'where is this going?' Why would someone who's been sort of long-distance dating one of my partners for roughly three months, and actually been in the same space with him about four times in that period, ask him if he would consider ever actually getting married (subtext: to her) and why oh why would that be a dealbreaker, especially so early in the relationship? Ok, to be fair to her, the ultimate dealbreaker was this poly business. It's pretty tough, when your end goal is get married, have sex, make babies, to build that relationship while one partner is having a happily sexual relationship with someone else. If I was trying on celibacy for a bit, I'd find it super-difficult to have one of my partners doing the naughty with someone else. Mainly because I'd keep imagining it and getting all hot and horny and that makes it hard to stay celibate. I'm digressing, again.
But ffs. It makes me cringe that there are people for whom this is the actual relationship model. I mean, I have absolutely no problem with two (or three or four...) people waking up one day and going 'you know what, I love you and this shit is totally working between us. Let's have a big-ass party and get presents and tell the whole world we want to be together all the time. While we're at it, let's do it legally too, cause that solves a whole bunch of practical issues.' But people who enter into a relationship with 'it's either marriage potential or it isn't, and if it isn't, I'm out'? Wow. How many awesome awesome relationships are they missing out on? How much chance to learn so much about themselves and who they are in a relationship and how to do this dance we call romance? How much heartbreak and heartmend do they miss, and how much do they cause?
To be clear (yeah, because that rant above was super-clear): it's a great idea to examine your relationships and how they make you feel and whether the space they're in is a healthy one for everyone, etc. It's a great idea to allow relationships to grow and evolve and change. It's just a really really stupid idea to expect them to evolve in a particular direction. They won't. They'll do their own thing, as they should. And if you're focused on that one direction, you're going to miss the total amazingness that is the multiple other directions they might or do go in. And I'm not all that and a snackwich.... I sometimes miss those bits, and I sometimes fall prey to the old narrative and wonder where a relationship is going. And I'm perfectly aware that I've lived that narrative.. I've been married and had kids and I speak from a place of knowing just what a big fat lie that narrative is, and for someone much younger and more hopeful my knowledge is just sad cynicism.
Grab the rainbow, kittens.... Stay off the escalator and just live the relationship. There ain't nothing wrong with commitment, but there ain't nothing wrong with living in the day either. In the immortal words of my beloved bestie: Life is too short to worry about it. Life is long, all things will come around.
Which brings me to the point of this post. Can I marry you and have your babies. Kimchi talks about the Relationship Escalator. We're trained from quite young that the way relationships go is you're monogamous, and there's a progression. Meet, date, date exclusively, move in, marry, children. Happily ever after. (That's the training, not the reality.) Depending on what you're taught, sex happens around the date exclusively mark. For some, they're taught that sex does not happen until you're married. That is one I've been trying to wrap my head around. It's the biggest load of bollocks I can imagine. It's so absurd to me that, when recently pressed, I couldn't even bother to argue why it's bollocks. I just tried to elucidate it for this blog but frankly I can't be arsed. If you actually think that marriage is some kind of magic point at which sex becomes sacred or the relationship is somehow exempt from ever ending, or, worst of worst, that women who are not 'virginal' are somehow not valuable enough to make a marriage-style commitment to... Ugh. That makes me puke in my mouth a little. And don't even get me started on how 'virginity' is defined in that setup. If you think that penis in vagina sex defines virginity, or defines sex, or the bit I got sidetracked from when I said 'if you actually think' before, then you probably shouldn't be reading this blog, because I'm sure to offend you.
Why, why, why? What is that shit? Why do we ask 'where is this going?' Why would someone who's been sort of long-distance dating one of my partners for roughly three months, and actually been in the same space with him about four times in that period, ask him if he would consider ever actually getting married (subtext: to her) and why oh why would that be a dealbreaker, especially so early in the relationship? Ok, to be fair to her, the ultimate dealbreaker was this poly business. It's pretty tough, when your end goal is get married, have sex, make babies, to build that relationship while one partner is having a happily sexual relationship with someone else. If I was trying on celibacy for a bit, I'd find it super-difficult to have one of my partners doing the naughty with someone else. Mainly because I'd keep imagining it and getting all hot and horny and that makes it hard to stay celibate. I'm digressing, again.
But ffs. It makes me cringe that there are people for whom this is the actual relationship model. I mean, I have absolutely no problem with two (or three or four...) people waking up one day and going 'you know what, I love you and this shit is totally working between us. Let's have a big-ass party and get presents and tell the whole world we want to be together all the time. While we're at it, let's do it legally too, cause that solves a whole bunch of practical issues.' But people who enter into a relationship with 'it's either marriage potential or it isn't, and if it isn't, I'm out'? Wow. How many awesome awesome relationships are they missing out on? How much chance to learn so much about themselves and who they are in a relationship and how to do this dance we call romance? How much heartbreak and heartmend do they miss, and how much do they cause?
To be clear (yeah, because that rant above was super-clear): it's a great idea to examine your relationships and how they make you feel and whether the space they're in is a healthy one for everyone, etc. It's a great idea to allow relationships to grow and evolve and change. It's just a really really stupid idea to expect them to evolve in a particular direction. They won't. They'll do their own thing, as they should. And if you're focused on that one direction, you're going to miss the total amazingness that is the multiple other directions they might or do go in. And I'm not all that and a snackwich.... I sometimes miss those bits, and I sometimes fall prey to the old narrative and wonder where a relationship is going. And I'm perfectly aware that I've lived that narrative.. I've been married and had kids and I speak from a place of knowing just what a big fat lie that narrative is, and for someone much younger and more hopeful my knowledge is just sad cynicism.
Grab the rainbow, kittens.... Stay off the escalator and just live the relationship. There ain't nothing wrong with commitment, but there ain't nothing wrong with living in the day either. In the immortal words of my beloved bestie: Life is too short to worry about it. Life is long, all things will come around.
Friday, 27 March 2015
Or not getting any
Sometimes, it's like this.
Boyfriend #1 is stressed about work and money and all sorts of perfectly reasonably stressful things. He's grumpy, and not feeling sexy.
Boyfriend #2 is a bit sad still about his breakup last week and is also worrying about work and money, and now has gone away on holiday for a few days.
Girlfriend has some personal shit to work on and is also stressed about work. And we're still in that weird phase where we're almost but not quite having sex. I know, it's stupid. We're being dumb and should just do it already. We know. Doesn't help.
Me? Horny. That's what I am. Getting any? you ask... Nope. Because of all the above. So I've spent the week being loving and understanding (and occasionally mentioning I might like some action) when all I really want is one or all of them to do every possible thing they might like to do to my body, and then some. (Though let's be clear, they've also been loving and we've had a really good week romance-wise.)
Next week, at least one of them will feel better. Will I be horny then, you ask... Does Murphy have a law?
Boyfriend #1 is stressed about work and money and all sorts of perfectly reasonably stressful things. He's grumpy, and not feeling sexy.
Boyfriend #2 is a bit sad still about his breakup last week and is also worrying about work and money, and now has gone away on holiday for a few days.
Girlfriend has some personal shit to work on and is also stressed about work. And we're still in that weird phase where we're almost but not quite having sex. I know, it's stupid. We're being dumb and should just do it already. We know. Doesn't help.
Me? Horny. That's what I am. Getting any? you ask... Nope. Because of all the above. So I've spent the week being loving and understanding (and occasionally mentioning I might like some action) when all I really want is one or all of them to do every possible thing they might like to do to my body, and then some. (Though let's be clear, they've also been loving and we've had a really good week romance-wise.)
Next week, at least one of them will feel better. Will I be horny then, you ask... Does Murphy have a law?
Monday, 2 February 2015
Girlfriend #1 and the Year of Making Things Happen
Y'all know I have this girlfriend with whom I have had a loving and marvelous relationship for some years now. I've also mentioned that this has been a non-sexual relationship. By which I don't mean we haven't snogged, or felt each other up, or reasonably often had the desire to do all sorts of delicious things to each other. We just didn't have the time or space to make that happen without it becoming an effort for both of us.
Well, so now we're making the effort. <yeah, I'm smiling.>
We started talking a few months ago, about this bit where we don't have a sexual relationship, and most people who know us see us as besties rather than girlfriends. And both of us were quite clear in our heads that we feel other than, more than, different than besties. Sex or no sex, dates or no dates, our attachment has always been romantic, loving, committed in a way is more like a love relationship than a bestie friendship.
And then she suggested maybe we do this proper-like. Regular date nights, a more physical relationship. She talked it over with her boyfriend and he agreed to it. In fact, he's been very supportive, and I'm really liking how my relationship with him is also growing.
So now we have weekly dates, and we kiss a lot, and it's pretty damn sexy. And I'm scared as hell. What if we disturb our nice, neat status quo and it turns out to be more difficult than we thought and it changes us? What if I'm just not enough fun in bed? What if what if what if? This relationship is so very important to me, and is so much a part of my life, that I really really don't want to lose it.
But man, it's so awesome to spend time with her, exactly the same way we always have, but know that this relationship now has space to grow, to include whatever we want it to include, to teach us both things, to have time together that is dedicated to our relationship. And sleepovers. And sex. And I don't even know what else... a future. If we get this right, we get to imagine our future together, with all of the fun stuff I just listed.
And I'm here to tell you, my girlfriend is a freaking gorgeous woman. And smart, and funny and incredibly elegant. Being out with her makes me want to yell "Check out my seriously hot girlfriend", but I don't need to, because everyone is already checking her out. Call me superficial all you like, I enjoy that.
Wish us luck, readers. We have this whole year of change ahead, and this part is a really great part.
Well, so now we're making the effort. <yeah, I'm smiling.>
We started talking a few months ago, about this bit where we don't have a sexual relationship, and most people who know us see us as besties rather than girlfriends. And both of us were quite clear in our heads that we feel other than, more than, different than besties. Sex or no sex, dates or no dates, our attachment has always been romantic, loving, committed in a way is more like a love relationship than a bestie friendship.
And then she suggested maybe we do this proper-like. Regular date nights, a more physical relationship. She talked it over with her boyfriend and he agreed to it. In fact, he's been very supportive, and I'm really liking how my relationship with him is also growing.
So now we have weekly dates, and we kiss a lot, and it's pretty damn sexy. And I'm scared as hell. What if we disturb our nice, neat status quo and it turns out to be more difficult than we thought and it changes us? What if I'm just not enough fun in bed? What if what if what if? This relationship is so very important to me, and is so much a part of my life, that I really really don't want to lose it.
But man, it's so awesome to spend time with her, exactly the same way we always have, but know that this relationship now has space to grow, to include whatever we want it to include, to teach us both things, to have time together that is dedicated to our relationship. And sleepovers. And sex. And I don't even know what else... a future. If we get this right, we get to imagine our future together, with all of the fun stuff I just listed.
And I'm here to tell you, my girlfriend is a freaking gorgeous woman. And smart, and funny and incredibly elegant. Being out with her makes me want to yell "Check out my seriously hot girlfriend", but I don't need to, because everyone is already checking her out. Call me superficial all you like, I enjoy that.
Wish us luck, readers. We have this whole year of change ahead, and this part is a really great part.
Wednesday, 12 November 2014
Ok, the big question ... am I getting it a lot?
Someone asked if I was getting a lot of sex. What, with all the partners. Fairly obvious question, and I do get asked it a lot in person. Again, this is going to be one of those things that's probably peculiar to me (and my set of relationships), and so you shouldn't apply it to all poly people. That said, I think I can generalise with this statement: If you're a person with a high sex drive, you're going to have a fair amount of sex as long as you have at least one partner (or, actually, a lot of selfiesex if you don't currently have a partner, so it still applies). The number of partners doesn't necessarily increase the amount of sex you're going to have.
Crucial point here: polyamory, at least in my understanding of it, means multiple relationships. And relationships are about a whole bunch of things. Including, but not limited to, sex. I don't think it's possible to have a romantic relationship with someone and not want to do delicious things to and with them. The joy of being polyamorous is that you generally can. However, I have two relationships in which no sex is currently on the cards. One because he lives very far away and has a monogamous wife (whose wonderful attitude towards our relationship doesn't yet stretch to sex and I'm totally supportive of that). The other because ... hmmm ... I'm not actually sure. We used to play around. Then we didn't. Now we could, but we don't. But she sends me the most unbelievably gorgeous naked pics of herself and certainly we will, one day. Maybe we're just building up. (Yeah, I'm totally sitting here smiling to myself thinking about how awesome that is going to be....)
Ok, back to the point... I have sex probably about as often as I would if I were in only one relationship. Sometimes sexy time is with more than one person. I have that opportunity possibly slightly more regularly than your average monogamous person would. <smile> But I have a life that's pretty busy, and so do my partners. Oftentimes we're just happy we could find time to hang out together, and sleep together. Sleeping with my loves (like, sleepy chat in bed, then falling asleep holding each other, and holding each other in that semi-wakeup time in the morning) is something I really love. Girlfriend #2 gets the prize for always being the one who gets up and brings us coffee in bed. That bit is awesome. But sleepovers don't happen all the time. So, we have to find time without kids, without other commitments, when we're not exhausted (though there's something to be said for surprise exhausted sexy time, doncha think?). If I don't get sexy time with each of the boys on a semi-regular basis, I make sure it happens. That's possible because I get sleepover time with each of them at least once a week, even on superbusy weeks. The girls, it's harder because sleepovers are less common.
It's possible to have days where I could have sex with three different people on the same day. I try to maintain a rule of 'one a day' (unless, obvs, it's group playtime). That doesn't allllwaaays work out... But it's a rule that helps me to keep a check on myself, and make sure I'm respecting everyone. I also change my sheets between partners, even if it means changing them daily for a few days, or twice in one day.
There's a caveat here, also. I happen to have partners who are incredibly sexy people. There's no 'it's Monday so it's missionary' in my life. Sexy time means (usually) an hour or more of delicious play. Or repeated play over the course of an evening that may also include dinner or going out or whatever. Does that count as more sex? Maybe. What I can say is that being poly means I get to have different experiences with each of my partners. Every sexual relationship is different, just as every relationship is itself different. One of my partners may enjoy something another may find less interesting. I can learn new things about what I enjoy from each of them. Because I maintain a policy of complete honesty, all of them know about the kinds of things I like and the kinds of things I do with the others. And I get to hear if they have discovered something new or tried something fun with each other.
So: yes, I'm getting it a lot. Just not stupendously more than any other person who likes sex and has a sexy partner. And is it fun? Hells yeah.
Crucial point here: polyamory, at least in my understanding of it, means multiple relationships. And relationships are about a whole bunch of things. Including, but not limited to, sex. I don't think it's possible to have a romantic relationship with someone and not want to do delicious things to and with them. The joy of being polyamorous is that you generally can. However, I have two relationships in which no sex is currently on the cards. One because he lives very far away and has a monogamous wife (whose wonderful attitude towards our relationship doesn't yet stretch to sex and I'm totally supportive of that). The other because ... hmmm ... I'm not actually sure. We used to play around. Then we didn't. Now we could, but we don't. But she sends me the most unbelievably gorgeous naked pics of herself and certainly we will, one day. Maybe we're just building up. (Yeah, I'm totally sitting here smiling to myself thinking about how awesome that is going to be....)
Ok, back to the point... I have sex probably about as often as I would if I were in only one relationship. Sometimes sexy time is with more than one person. I have that opportunity possibly slightly more regularly than your average monogamous person would. <smile> But I have a life that's pretty busy, and so do my partners. Oftentimes we're just happy we could find time to hang out together, and sleep together. Sleeping with my loves (like, sleepy chat in bed, then falling asleep holding each other, and holding each other in that semi-wakeup time in the morning) is something I really love. Girlfriend #2 gets the prize for always being the one who gets up and brings us coffee in bed. That bit is awesome. But sleepovers don't happen all the time. So, we have to find time without kids, without other commitments, when we're not exhausted (though there's something to be said for surprise exhausted sexy time, doncha think?). If I don't get sexy time with each of the boys on a semi-regular basis, I make sure it happens. That's possible because I get sleepover time with each of them at least once a week, even on superbusy weeks. The girls, it's harder because sleepovers are less common.
It's possible to have days where I could have sex with three different people on the same day. I try to maintain a rule of 'one a day' (unless, obvs, it's group playtime). That doesn't allllwaaays work out... But it's a rule that helps me to keep a check on myself, and make sure I'm respecting everyone. I also change my sheets between partners, even if it means changing them daily for a few days, or twice in one day.
There's a caveat here, also. I happen to have partners who are incredibly sexy people. There's no 'it's Monday so it's missionary' in my life. Sexy time means (usually) an hour or more of delicious play. Or repeated play over the course of an evening that may also include dinner or going out or whatever. Does that count as more sex? Maybe. What I can say is that being poly means I get to have different experiences with each of my partners. Every sexual relationship is different, just as every relationship is itself different. One of my partners may enjoy something another may find less interesting. I can learn new things about what I enjoy from each of them. Because I maintain a policy of complete honesty, all of them know about the kinds of things I like and the kinds of things I do with the others. And I get to hear if they have discovered something new or tried something fun with each other.
So: yes, I'm getting it a lot. Just not stupendously more than any other person who likes sex and has a sexy partner. And is it fun? Hells yeah.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)