Hello kittens. A couple of posts back I talked about a Big Life Decision I'm working on. Well, this is it. I'm implementing a five year plan to become a Sex Educator. If all goes according to plan, my girlfriend will be joining me and we'll become rich and famous and... Ha! No, not rich and famous, though hopefully we'll be able to pay the bills. What we will be is fulfilled, we hope. Doing work that we are passionate about and that (hopefully) makes a difference.
Throughout my life, I, and many of the people I've known and loved, have been affected by a lack of knowledge and emotional understanding of sex. From people who take sex way too seriously to people who don't take it nearly seriously enough. People who've fallen pregnant or gotten STDs because they don't know enough about safer sex, or don't have the wherewithal to insist on it. People who have been abused or raped, by strangers and by partners. And those are just the people I know. All over our country, young people are growing up with barely a passing knowledge of their own anatomy, and very little information to help them make decisions about what is and isn't acceptable to them. Sex workers, unprotected and looked down upon, are unable to protect themselves from dangerous customers, johns who refuse condoms, or unsterilised needles. Getting an abortion may be legal, but it's not exactly easy, and every street corner offers 'cheap abortion', with an advert for illegal 'virility pills' right next to it.
We are not good at talking about sex in our country. We are really not good at being sex positive and treating sex and discussion of sexuality as healthy, important parts of life. We have very few sex educators, and they struggle to have their voices heard. Dr Eve, Catriona Boffard, Dorothy Black and some other very strong people have worked hard, and respect is due. But there's a loooong way to go.
Step 1, for me? Educate myself. I work in a sex shop, so that helps. I have access to books, and toys, and I spend a large part of my day talking to people about what they need from sex. I'm also privileged to know or have access to wonderful people from the LGBTI, poly and kink communities, who constantly educate me and others. Those of you who watched the recent SABC doccie on poly will know that the marvelous Avri Spilka spoke eloquently about emphasising safer sex. I continue to learn from her and many other amazing teachers and friends.
Educating myself includes expanding my own sexual horizons. I don't believe that I need to do everything in order to understand or talk about it, but I do need to try all the stuff on my bucket list. Butt plugs are featuring this week. I got a super-cute one yesterday. Nope, I've never used a butt plug. I'll let you know how it goes. (wink) I'll also be attending workshops and, hopefully soon, courses on counselling. (And yes, if you have any excellent suggestions, comment away kittens.)
Being poly doesn't make me awesome at sex. I may never be awesome at sex. But I'm going to work damn hard at being an awesome advocate for sex positivity, in my life and in my work, and at being the best I can be as a sex and sexuality educator. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to love this journey.
Next up, I'll be reviewing two BIG books on sex that I've just laid hands on... with extra commentary from my teens as to which is most useful from their perspective.
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
Tuesday, 21 July 2015
But what is Crazy?
Oh haai! (I do totally think I'm hilarious for making a meme slash recent news incident namecheck greeting that only South Africans will understand. Now you know: I'm a dork.)
So I read this blog post today, and it really resonated for me. Most obviously due to a recent *situation*, on which more later, but also because it tends to be a rule with many poly/kinky people: don't stick your dick in crazy.
Let's start with a spot of sexism deconstruction. The wording of this irritates me. Of course, it could apply in m/m relationships, and I do know some girls with dicks too. But in general this phrasing implies both that it's men who need rules of this nature (because somehow they can't recognise destructive behaviour and/or wouldn't care if they can dip their wicks?), and that it's women who are crazy. Since accusing women of hysteria, craziness, mental instability etc has looooong been a thoroughly overused tool for misogyny of all hues, that kind of pisses me off.
So let's pretend I've come up with a similarly catchy and yet far less sexist and annoying phrase that will catch on any day now. I haven't, yet, but hey. The point behind it is worth examining.
Now, of the poly people I know, and the kinky people I've talked about this with, this is a fairly universal relationship 'rule', as well as a personal rule. However, it is usually further defined for clarity. Most common is to break it down to: don't get emotionally and/or physically involved with, or play with, someone who has serious mental health issues and is unwilling to seek treatment and/or acknowledge those issues. That last bit is key. Many people I have had relationships with or am in relationships with have suffered from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and various other mental health issues. Many of my friends are in the same position. With very few exceptions, all have sought help and treatment, and are open with those to whom it is important about their issues.
It can be very hard to be involved with a person who has mental health problems. It can be tiring, challenging, and frustrating. It involves a great deal of patience, empathy and learning. And when you have multiple partners, those resources may already be in short supply. If you have multiple partners and more than one of them has problems, it can *really* leave you short of spoons. I have no issue with someone choosing to exit a relationship with a partner who is undergoing treatment for mental health issues, as long as they do it with honesty and kindness. If you do not feel able to provide the support and love needed by your partner, or feel that they are not able to meet your needs (and have discussed that with them), then by all means, take the honest route and scale back the relationship.
I don't believe in veto. Having a veto is simply not a sensible way to cultivate multiple honest, caring relationships, as far as I'm concerned. However, the other day, I found myself yelling 'veto, veto' about someone my partner had not even expressed romantic interest in. (Yeah, this is the *situation*.)
They had been introduced by a mutual friend, who said that this person was interested in the kinky side of things, and wanted to know more. As the boyfriend is a thoughtful, experienced and responsible ambassador for kink, the friend suggested he would be a good dinner companion. And he had a perfectly lovely conversation, I think, with this new person.
And then when he told me about the dinner the next morning he mentioned I might know this person - our city being small - and said a name. That's when I yelled 'veto'. I took it back, of course, but I also repeated that I did not want this person anywhere near me or my family, nor did I want her to know that I was associated with our mutual friend or the kink world, nor did I even, truly, want our friend to ever see her again.
Of course, I can't control what boyfriend chooses to do. Although I know he will respect that I don't want him to mention me and I will never be around if he chooses to see her again for any reason. I also can't control who our friend chooses to be friends with, or what she discloses to them.
Why, you may ask, is this blog post so damn long? Or, why did you freak out and yell veto? Well, in my experience, this person is exactly the kind of crazy I do not want be within 500m of. The kind of crazy that has created worlds of hurt for other friends and acquaintances of mine. The kind of crazy that makes false accusations, and spreads rumours and will use private knowledge about a person to hurt them, for no particular reason other than paranoia and a victim complex, fuelled by what seem to be some very serious mental health issues.
Now here's the thing. I have no idea if this person has sought treatment, or fulfilled any of the acknowledgement/understanding/honesty criteria that I would expect when engaging with someone with mental health problems. In my experience, that was not the case, but things may have changed since I disengaged from any contact with her. Mutual acquaintances say no, but they may be wrong.
And so I wrung my hands for a few days. Because I hate to be unfair. And I particularly hate to be unfair to people who might actually be trying to turn their life around. Or have turned their lives around. But I look at the history of this person and all I can think is: wow, it would take years of treatment for her to be strong enough to enter into the kink lifestyle without doing serious damage to herself or others. And I don't believe she has disclosed that to the people she is engaging with about this. Which makes all my trust issues jump up and yell 'veto'.
So, yeah. I do believe you can have wonderful, fulfilling relationships with people who struggle with mental health problems. And I do believe that people with issues are more than their issue, and that they have, often, learned wonderful tools for dealing with their problems that benefit them and the relationship and you, greatly. And I do believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. But there are times when the 'crazy' is patent. And there are also times when past experiences are triggers, and you have to be honest about those. If you tend to have a poly network, like I do, and practice kitchen sink poly, like I do, and have partners who are kinky and try to be responsible, honest kinksters, like I do, then you need to talk about people who make you yell veto. And you need to be heard.
So I read this blog post today, and it really resonated for me. Most obviously due to a recent *situation*, on which more later, but also because it tends to be a rule with many poly/kinky people: don't stick your dick in crazy.
Let's start with a spot of sexism deconstruction. The wording of this irritates me. Of course, it could apply in m/m relationships, and I do know some girls with dicks too. But in general this phrasing implies both that it's men who need rules of this nature (because somehow they can't recognise destructive behaviour and/or wouldn't care if they can dip their wicks?), and that it's women who are crazy. Since accusing women of hysteria, craziness, mental instability etc has looooong been a thoroughly overused tool for misogyny of all hues, that kind of pisses me off.
So let's pretend I've come up with a similarly catchy and yet far less sexist and annoying phrase that will catch on any day now. I haven't, yet, but hey. The point behind it is worth examining.
Now, of the poly people I know, and the kinky people I've talked about this with, this is a fairly universal relationship 'rule', as well as a personal rule. However, it is usually further defined for clarity. Most common is to break it down to: don't get emotionally and/or physically involved with, or play with, someone who has serious mental health issues and is unwilling to seek treatment and/or acknowledge those issues. That last bit is key. Many people I have had relationships with or am in relationships with have suffered from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and various other mental health issues. Many of my friends are in the same position. With very few exceptions, all have sought help and treatment, and are open with those to whom it is important about their issues.
It can be very hard to be involved with a person who has mental health problems. It can be tiring, challenging, and frustrating. It involves a great deal of patience, empathy and learning. And when you have multiple partners, those resources may already be in short supply. If you have multiple partners and more than one of them has problems, it can *really* leave you short of spoons. I have no issue with someone choosing to exit a relationship with a partner who is undergoing treatment for mental health issues, as long as they do it with honesty and kindness. If you do not feel able to provide the support and love needed by your partner, or feel that they are not able to meet your needs (and have discussed that with them), then by all means, take the honest route and scale back the relationship.
I don't believe in veto. Having a veto is simply not a sensible way to cultivate multiple honest, caring relationships, as far as I'm concerned. However, the other day, I found myself yelling 'veto, veto' about someone my partner had not even expressed romantic interest in. (Yeah, this is the *situation*.)
They had been introduced by a mutual friend, who said that this person was interested in the kinky side of things, and wanted to know more. As the boyfriend is a thoughtful, experienced and responsible ambassador for kink, the friend suggested he would be a good dinner companion. And he had a perfectly lovely conversation, I think, with this new person.
And then when he told me about the dinner the next morning he mentioned I might know this person - our city being small - and said a name. That's when I yelled 'veto'. I took it back, of course, but I also repeated that I did not want this person anywhere near me or my family, nor did I want her to know that I was associated with our mutual friend or the kink world, nor did I even, truly, want our friend to ever see her again.
Of course, I can't control what boyfriend chooses to do. Although I know he will respect that I don't want him to mention me and I will never be around if he chooses to see her again for any reason. I also can't control who our friend chooses to be friends with, or what she discloses to them.
Why, you may ask, is this blog post so damn long? Or, why did you freak out and yell veto? Well, in my experience, this person is exactly the kind of crazy I do not want be within 500m of. The kind of crazy that has created worlds of hurt for other friends and acquaintances of mine. The kind of crazy that makes false accusations, and spreads rumours and will use private knowledge about a person to hurt them, for no particular reason other than paranoia and a victim complex, fuelled by what seem to be some very serious mental health issues.
Now here's the thing. I have no idea if this person has sought treatment, or fulfilled any of the acknowledgement/understanding/honesty criteria that I would expect when engaging with someone with mental health problems. In my experience, that was not the case, but things may have changed since I disengaged from any contact with her. Mutual acquaintances say no, but they may be wrong.
And so I wrung my hands for a few days. Because I hate to be unfair. And I particularly hate to be unfair to people who might actually be trying to turn their life around. Or have turned their lives around. But I look at the history of this person and all I can think is: wow, it would take years of treatment for her to be strong enough to enter into the kink lifestyle without doing serious damage to herself or others. And I don't believe she has disclosed that to the people she is engaging with about this. Which makes all my trust issues jump up and yell 'veto'.
So, yeah. I do believe you can have wonderful, fulfilling relationships with people who struggle with mental health problems. And I do believe that people with issues are more than their issue, and that they have, often, learned wonderful tools for dealing with their problems that benefit them and the relationship and you, greatly. And I do believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. But there are times when the 'crazy' is patent. And there are also times when past experiences are triggers, and you have to be honest about those. If you tend to have a poly network, like I do, and practice kitchen sink poly, like I do, and have partners who are kinky and try to be responsible, honest kinksters, like I do, then you need to talk about people who make you yell veto. And you need to be heard.
Wednesday, 1 July 2015
Ketchup
What did the mustard say to the tomato sauce when it lagged behind? 'Oy, ketchup!'
Ok, sorry, couldn't help myself. I've been blogligent. No, I thought that could be a word but it really isn't. I've been negligent about blogging. Sorry. Been kinda busy.
I moved. I now live in a big (but apparently not big enough) house with two boyfriends, two children, five cats and a really hyperactive Jack Russell.
The cats are not getting on. And they don't like the dog. Except for my one small cat, who loves the dog but won't go out to visit with him because the other cats might be out there. Urgh. Seriously, this has been the single biggest problem we've faced in the moving in saga. It has nearly caused Boyfriend #1 and I to break up at least twice. I wanted to move out within a week of moving in. So here is my first tip for blending families:
TIP: Sort out the damn pets. If I knew exactly how to do that, I would've done it. Get a pet psychologist, or something. Whatever. Pets will be the death of your relationship. Well, maybe not the death, but they'll put some serious strain on that shit. And I do have friends who will break up with a person who dislikes their cats, so it could be the death.
Also, my ex has been very ill, so the children are living with us full-time. And my ex in-laws have been around a lot. And I've been worried sick because I do still love this man and we co-parent these remarkable children. That has not helped. Luckily, my partners have been super-supportive. Even though none of them bought into the full-time children deal, they've dealt with it amazingly, and been fantastic at supporting, loving and caring for all of us. And at having truncated, not particularly sexy dates, because children and stress.
In fact, thanks to our new living arrangements, my kids now sit down at table every night to a lovingly prepared meal. We chat, laugh, eat, share the clearing up. When it was just the three of us, the kids and I tended to go for trays in front of the TV. Now we have real mealtimes. It's a treat. And trays in front of the TV is another kind of treat. Which is the way it should be.
My girlfriend has had some problems in her live-in relationship. Not fun stuff, but I'm so very proud of how hard she and her boyfriend are working to learn and grow individually and together from it. It was all drama all the time for a few days, and that was hard on our relationship, but the two of us also learned and grew and that was great.
Been a lot of learning and growing. I'm reading More Than Two (slowly - it's a whopperload of information to take in) and that's been greatly comforting to me. Good to know that my slow practise has brought me to a lot of understanding already, and good to know that my inevitable buggerups are not just because I'm a moron, or never going to get this right, but because it's both absolutely intuitive and yet totally against all our conditioning and much of our psychology to be in multiple relationships. We have to work, quite hard, to get through that. Totally worth it, though. I'm going to say totes worth it, just to annoy the boyfriends (heheheh).
So that's a brief catchup, kittens. I'll be back soon with news of My Important Life Decision (yep, another one) and updates on how polyhousehold is going.
Ok, sorry, couldn't help myself. I've been blogligent. No, I thought that could be a word but it really isn't. I've been negligent about blogging. Sorry. Been kinda busy.
I moved. I now live in a big (but apparently not big enough) house with two boyfriends, two children, five cats and a really hyperactive Jack Russell.
The cats are not getting on. And they don't like the dog. Except for my one small cat, who loves the dog but won't go out to visit with him because the other cats might be out there. Urgh. Seriously, this has been the single biggest problem we've faced in the moving in saga. It has nearly caused Boyfriend #1 and I to break up at least twice. I wanted to move out within a week of moving in. So here is my first tip for blending families:
TIP: Sort out the damn pets. If I knew exactly how to do that, I would've done it. Get a pet psychologist, or something. Whatever. Pets will be the death of your relationship. Well, maybe not the death, but they'll put some serious strain on that shit. And I do have friends who will break up with a person who dislikes their cats, so it could be the death.
Also, my ex has been very ill, so the children are living with us full-time. And my ex in-laws have been around a lot. And I've been worried sick because I do still love this man and we co-parent these remarkable children. That has not helped. Luckily, my partners have been super-supportive. Even though none of them bought into the full-time children deal, they've dealt with it amazingly, and been fantastic at supporting, loving and caring for all of us. And at having truncated, not particularly sexy dates, because children and stress.
In fact, thanks to our new living arrangements, my kids now sit down at table every night to a lovingly prepared meal. We chat, laugh, eat, share the clearing up. When it was just the three of us, the kids and I tended to go for trays in front of the TV. Now we have real mealtimes. It's a treat. And trays in front of the TV is another kind of treat. Which is the way it should be.
My girlfriend has had some problems in her live-in relationship. Not fun stuff, but I'm so very proud of how hard she and her boyfriend are working to learn and grow individually and together from it. It was all drama all the time for a few days, and that was hard on our relationship, but the two of us also learned and grew and that was great.
Been a lot of learning and growing. I'm reading More Than Two (slowly - it's a whopperload of information to take in) and that's been greatly comforting to me. Good to know that my slow practise has brought me to a lot of understanding already, and good to know that my inevitable buggerups are not just because I'm a moron, or never going to get this right, but because it's both absolutely intuitive and yet totally against all our conditioning and much of our psychology to be in multiple relationships. We have to work, quite hard, to get through that. Totally worth it, though. I'm going to say totes worth it, just to annoy the boyfriends (heheheh).
So that's a brief catchup, kittens. I'll be back soon with news of My Important Life Decision (yep, another one) and updates on how polyhousehold is going.
Thursday, 28 May 2015
Poly Practise
I checked, when typing the title of this post, that I had the right form of practise. Because, you know, you could have poly practice. One is the repeated exercise of an activity in order to become better at it. The other is a customary, or habitual practice. You see where I'm going with this?
Five years, now, I've known that poly is right for me. I'm not defined by my polyamory, but I'm sure as hell shaped by it. And it has had, and continues to have, a big impact on how I live my life. And every day is a new adventure.
So I went from a husband and kids and a couple of weird overly invested friendships to a husband and kids and a boyfriend. And then to separated from my husband but still with my boyfriend. And then two boyfriends. And then divorced, with kids and two boyfriends and a girlfriend. All in the last five years. Much of it in the last two years. And now I'm gearing up to move in with both boyfriends. Whhhooooo. This all feels like it's maybe moving too fast. Evolving too fast. Somehow, we seem to be pulling it off. It really helps that all my partners are very committed to making poly work, and that we have similar poly relationship styles. It really helps that we are all willing to self-examine, and to talk, and to work at it. It really helps that we're all willing to practise.
See what I did there?
One day, probably, it'll feel easy and natural to check in with everyone before making plans. One day it'll be habit to spend time together or one-on-one, all within the same house. One day we'll be really good at supporting and loving each other and also giving each other personal space. One day we'll feel like we've made this family something as awesome as we can see now it can be. For now, it's practise. Working at it. Learning new things all the time and practising them, or discarding things that we've realised are not working as well as we'd like.
And, actually, I'm good with that. It feels good that we practise. And it feels good that, even when some things are habit, other things will still need practise. I feel like that's one reason, actually, why being poly works well for me. Prevents stultification. Keeps us on our toes. Reminds us that relationships do grow, and evolve, always, and they require attention. Not always work. Work sounds hard, doesn't it? But attention. Care. Practise.
Five years, now, I've known that poly is right for me. I'm not defined by my polyamory, but I'm sure as hell shaped by it. And it has had, and continues to have, a big impact on how I live my life. And every day is a new adventure.
So I went from a husband and kids and a couple of weird overly invested friendships to a husband and kids and a boyfriend. And then to separated from my husband but still with my boyfriend. And then two boyfriends. And then divorced, with kids and two boyfriends and a girlfriend. All in the last five years. Much of it in the last two years. And now I'm gearing up to move in with both boyfriends. Whhhooooo. This all feels like it's maybe moving too fast. Evolving too fast. Somehow, we seem to be pulling it off. It really helps that all my partners are very committed to making poly work, and that we have similar poly relationship styles. It really helps that we are all willing to self-examine, and to talk, and to work at it. It really helps that we're all willing to practise.
See what I did there?
One day, probably, it'll feel easy and natural to check in with everyone before making plans. One day it'll be habit to spend time together or one-on-one, all within the same house. One day we'll be really good at supporting and loving each other and also giving each other personal space. One day we'll feel like we've made this family something as awesome as we can see now it can be. For now, it's practise. Working at it. Learning new things all the time and practising them, or discarding things that we've realised are not working as well as we'd like.
And, actually, I'm good with that. It feels good that we practise. And it feels good that, even when some things are habit, other things will still need practise. I feel like that's one reason, actually, why being poly works well for me. Prevents stultification. Keeps us on our toes. Reminds us that relationships do grow, and evolve, always, and they require attention. Not always work. Work sounds hard, doesn't it? But attention. Care. Practise.
Thursday, 21 May 2015
End Goal
I've been reading a lot of Kimchi Cuddles lately. Loving it so much I can't actually express. It's like at least every third panel I'm going 'Yes! Yes that makes so much sense, I love you Tikva, can I marry you and have your babies?'. Well, maybe not, but can I love you forevermore?
Which brings me to the point of this post. Can I marry you and have your babies. Kimchi talks about the Relationship Escalator. We're trained from quite young that the way relationships go is you're monogamous, and there's a progression. Meet, date, date exclusively, move in, marry, children. Happily ever after. (That's the training, not the reality.) Depending on what you're taught, sex happens around the date exclusively mark. For some, they're taught that sex does not happen until you're married. That is one I've been trying to wrap my head around. It's the biggest load of bollocks I can imagine. It's so absurd to me that, when recently pressed, I couldn't even bother to argue why it's bollocks. I just tried to elucidate it for this blog but frankly I can't be arsed. If you actually think that marriage is some kind of magic point at which sex becomes sacred or the relationship is somehow exempt from ever ending, or, worst of worst, that women who are not 'virginal' are somehow not valuable enough to make a marriage-style commitment to... Ugh. That makes me puke in my mouth a little. And don't even get me started on how 'virginity' is defined in that setup. If you think that penis in vagina sex defines virginity, or defines sex, or the bit I got sidetracked from when I said 'if you actually think' before, then you probably shouldn't be reading this blog, because I'm sure to offend you.
Why, why, why? What is that shit? Why do we ask 'where is this going?' Why would someone who's been sort of long-distance dating one of my partners for roughly three months, and actually been in the same space with him about four times in that period, ask him if he would consider ever actually getting married (subtext: to her) and why oh why would that be a dealbreaker, especially so early in the relationship? Ok, to be fair to her, the ultimate dealbreaker was this poly business. It's pretty tough, when your end goal is get married, have sex, make babies, to build that relationship while one partner is having a happily sexual relationship with someone else. If I was trying on celibacy for a bit, I'd find it super-difficult to have one of my partners doing the naughty with someone else. Mainly because I'd keep imagining it and getting all hot and horny and that makes it hard to stay celibate. I'm digressing, again.
But ffs. It makes me cringe that there are people for whom this is the actual relationship model. I mean, I have absolutely no problem with two (or three or four...) people waking up one day and going 'you know what, I love you and this shit is totally working between us. Let's have a big-ass party and get presents and tell the whole world we want to be together all the time. While we're at it, let's do it legally too, cause that solves a whole bunch of practical issues.' But people who enter into a relationship with 'it's either marriage potential or it isn't, and if it isn't, I'm out'? Wow. How many awesome awesome relationships are they missing out on? How much chance to learn so much about themselves and who they are in a relationship and how to do this dance we call romance? How much heartbreak and heartmend do they miss, and how much do they cause?
To be clear (yeah, because that rant above was super-clear): it's a great idea to examine your relationships and how they make you feel and whether the space they're in is a healthy one for everyone, etc. It's a great idea to allow relationships to grow and evolve and change. It's just a really really stupid idea to expect them to evolve in a particular direction. They won't. They'll do their own thing, as they should. And if you're focused on that one direction, you're going to miss the total amazingness that is the multiple other directions they might or do go in. And I'm not all that and a snackwich.... I sometimes miss those bits, and I sometimes fall prey to the old narrative and wonder where a relationship is going. And I'm perfectly aware that I've lived that narrative.. I've been married and had kids and I speak from a place of knowing just what a big fat lie that narrative is, and for someone much younger and more hopeful my knowledge is just sad cynicism.
Grab the rainbow, kittens.... Stay off the escalator and just live the relationship. There ain't nothing wrong with commitment, but there ain't nothing wrong with living in the day either. In the immortal words of my beloved bestie: Life is too short to worry about it. Life is long, all things will come around.
Which brings me to the point of this post. Can I marry you and have your babies. Kimchi talks about the Relationship Escalator. We're trained from quite young that the way relationships go is you're monogamous, and there's a progression. Meet, date, date exclusively, move in, marry, children. Happily ever after. (That's the training, not the reality.) Depending on what you're taught, sex happens around the date exclusively mark. For some, they're taught that sex does not happen until you're married. That is one I've been trying to wrap my head around. It's the biggest load of bollocks I can imagine. It's so absurd to me that, when recently pressed, I couldn't even bother to argue why it's bollocks. I just tried to elucidate it for this blog but frankly I can't be arsed. If you actually think that marriage is some kind of magic point at which sex becomes sacred or the relationship is somehow exempt from ever ending, or, worst of worst, that women who are not 'virginal' are somehow not valuable enough to make a marriage-style commitment to... Ugh. That makes me puke in my mouth a little. And don't even get me started on how 'virginity' is defined in that setup. If you think that penis in vagina sex defines virginity, or defines sex, or the bit I got sidetracked from when I said 'if you actually think' before, then you probably shouldn't be reading this blog, because I'm sure to offend you.
Why, why, why? What is that shit? Why do we ask 'where is this going?' Why would someone who's been sort of long-distance dating one of my partners for roughly three months, and actually been in the same space with him about four times in that period, ask him if he would consider ever actually getting married (subtext: to her) and why oh why would that be a dealbreaker, especially so early in the relationship? Ok, to be fair to her, the ultimate dealbreaker was this poly business. It's pretty tough, when your end goal is get married, have sex, make babies, to build that relationship while one partner is having a happily sexual relationship with someone else. If I was trying on celibacy for a bit, I'd find it super-difficult to have one of my partners doing the naughty with someone else. Mainly because I'd keep imagining it and getting all hot and horny and that makes it hard to stay celibate. I'm digressing, again.
But ffs. It makes me cringe that there are people for whom this is the actual relationship model. I mean, I have absolutely no problem with two (or three or four...) people waking up one day and going 'you know what, I love you and this shit is totally working between us. Let's have a big-ass party and get presents and tell the whole world we want to be together all the time. While we're at it, let's do it legally too, cause that solves a whole bunch of practical issues.' But people who enter into a relationship with 'it's either marriage potential or it isn't, and if it isn't, I'm out'? Wow. How many awesome awesome relationships are they missing out on? How much chance to learn so much about themselves and who they are in a relationship and how to do this dance we call romance? How much heartbreak and heartmend do they miss, and how much do they cause?
To be clear (yeah, because that rant above was super-clear): it's a great idea to examine your relationships and how they make you feel and whether the space they're in is a healthy one for everyone, etc. It's a great idea to allow relationships to grow and evolve and change. It's just a really really stupid idea to expect them to evolve in a particular direction. They won't. They'll do their own thing, as they should. And if you're focused on that one direction, you're going to miss the total amazingness that is the multiple other directions they might or do go in. And I'm not all that and a snackwich.... I sometimes miss those bits, and I sometimes fall prey to the old narrative and wonder where a relationship is going. And I'm perfectly aware that I've lived that narrative.. I've been married and had kids and I speak from a place of knowing just what a big fat lie that narrative is, and for someone much younger and more hopeful my knowledge is just sad cynicism.
Grab the rainbow, kittens.... Stay off the escalator and just live the relationship. There ain't nothing wrong with commitment, but there ain't nothing wrong with living in the day either. In the immortal words of my beloved bestie: Life is too short to worry about it. Life is long, all things will come around.
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