Sometimes, it's like this.
Boyfriend #1 is stressed about work and money and all sorts of perfectly reasonably stressful things. He's grumpy, and not feeling sexy.
Boyfriend #2 is a bit sad still about his breakup last week and is also worrying about work and money, and now has gone away on holiday for a few days.
Girlfriend has some personal shit to work on and is also stressed about work. And we're still in that weird phase where we're almost but not quite having sex. I know, it's stupid. We're being dumb and should just do it already. We know. Doesn't help.
Me? Horny. That's what I am. Getting any? you ask... Nope. Because of all the above. So I've spent the week being loving and understanding (and occasionally mentioning I might like some action) when all I really want is one or all of them to do every possible thing they might like to do to my body, and then some. (Though let's be clear, they've also been loving and we've had a really good week romance-wise.)
Next week, at least one of them will feel better. Will I be horny then, you ask... Does Murphy have a law?
Friday 27 March 2015
Tuesday 24 March 2015
Interconnection
Last week my boyfriend was breaking up with his other girlfriend. Or she was breaking up with him. From my perspective, what happened was that he insisted that they talk about their relationship, seriously, and after they did she broke up with him. Things had been off for some time. When they met last year, as when I met him, he was leaving the country. Possibly never to return. We all let each other get away with a lot of selfish, irresponsible and often quite boring behaviour, because it didn't seem worth using the precious short time we had trying to fix that.
Hah! Lesson number one. Consider it thoroughly learned. There is no excuse for allowing yourself to be manipulated or disrespected. Especially if you know perfectly well that it's happening. There is no excuse for disrespecting even a short-term partner. And then plus if one of you doesn't leave the country.... yeesh there's a lot of work to break those bad habits.
Annnyway... so last week was tough. Boyfriend #2 knew the relationship was probably coming to an end. He wanted it not to be horrible. He hoped maybe his girlfriend would in fact not want to break up and would turn out to really be poly. She's not. She's been very unhappy for quite some time because she tried to make herself be poly in order to be with him.
Lesson number two. You can't force yourself to be poly. And you shouldn't. And nobody else should force you to be. You also can't force yourself to be ok with poly. There are cases where poly/mono relationships can work. But if you're making the person you really love (her husband) unhappy so that you can explore a relationship with someone you love but want all to yourself (our mutual boyfriend) and that someone is poly..... hooo, that's a fucking mess. She saw that. She did the right thing for herself and her husband and her boyfriend. She ended it. That was sad, for all of us.
So I looked for resources on how to deal with all of this stuff. Because I was really angry with her at one point. Still am, in some ways. Things got messy and relationship boundaries were not respected and I had good reasons to be angry. But I knew it was a difficult time for her, and I although I didn't appreciate the behaviour, I saw where it was coming from.
What I wanted was some poly resources on how boyfriend and I could work together through this relationship crisis and possible breakup, without me being actually involved in the 'their relationship' part of it. How do I support my lover, and protect myself, and provide him with the advice and love he trusts me to provide in a situation like this, and still try very very hard not to interfere in what is actually going on?
I failed several times. I made him check texts when he didn't want to in case she was really upset. I asked for details when I shouldn't have because I wanted to understand her motivations - they weren't really my business. I needed help.
Couldn't find any. Not a sausage. Tons of stuff on how to make my metamour feel more comfortable. How to protect myself if my metamour is kind of a bitch. Mostly how to make her/ him feel more comfortable. Look, I am a super-nice person. I make everyone feel comfortable. And if you're not comfortable I will beat you over the head with my niceness until you are.
You get the point. No resources. And my support circle repeatedly said "it's his problem. He must deal with it. You just say no to this drama". But I couldn't do that. He is a big part of my life and this was the biggest thing happening in his week. And we are close. We talk about stuff. Emotions and shit. How is he supposed to just not talk to one of the people he's most used to talking to about relationships and his current life decisions? How am I supposed to just walk away from a situation that is clearly hurting people I care deeply about, and which has already impacted my life? Can't. Obvs.
Soooo... ya I don't actually have any answers yet. Writing posts about it and warbling at you is going to be my way of figuring it out. Something for y'all to look forward to...
Have a lovely week, kittens.
Hah! Lesson number one. Consider it thoroughly learned. There is no excuse for allowing yourself to be manipulated or disrespected. Especially if you know perfectly well that it's happening. There is no excuse for disrespecting even a short-term partner. And then plus if one of you doesn't leave the country.... yeesh there's a lot of work to break those bad habits.
Annnyway... so last week was tough. Boyfriend #2 knew the relationship was probably coming to an end. He wanted it not to be horrible. He hoped maybe his girlfriend would in fact not want to break up and would turn out to really be poly. She's not. She's been very unhappy for quite some time because she tried to make herself be poly in order to be with him.
Lesson number two. You can't force yourself to be poly. And you shouldn't. And nobody else should force you to be. You also can't force yourself to be ok with poly. There are cases where poly/mono relationships can work. But if you're making the person you really love (her husband) unhappy so that you can explore a relationship with someone you love but want all to yourself (our mutual boyfriend) and that someone is poly..... hooo, that's a fucking mess. She saw that. She did the right thing for herself and her husband and her boyfriend. She ended it. That was sad, for all of us.
So I looked for resources on how to deal with all of this stuff. Because I was really angry with her at one point. Still am, in some ways. Things got messy and relationship boundaries were not respected and I had good reasons to be angry. But I knew it was a difficult time for her, and I although I didn't appreciate the behaviour, I saw where it was coming from.
What I wanted was some poly resources on how boyfriend and I could work together through this relationship crisis and possible breakup, without me being actually involved in the 'their relationship' part of it. How do I support my lover, and protect myself, and provide him with the advice and love he trusts me to provide in a situation like this, and still try very very hard not to interfere in what is actually going on?
I failed several times. I made him check texts when he didn't want to in case she was really upset. I asked for details when I shouldn't have because I wanted to understand her motivations - they weren't really my business. I needed help.
Couldn't find any. Not a sausage. Tons of stuff on how to make my metamour feel more comfortable. How to protect myself if my metamour is kind of a bitch. Mostly how to make her/ him feel more comfortable. Look, I am a super-nice person. I make everyone feel comfortable. And if you're not comfortable I will beat you over the head with my niceness until you are.
You get the point. No resources. And my support circle repeatedly said "it's his problem. He must deal with it. You just say no to this drama". But I couldn't do that. He is a big part of my life and this was the biggest thing happening in his week. And we are close. We talk about stuff. Emotions and shit. How is he supposed to just not talk to one of the people he's most used to talking to about relationships and his current life decisions? How am I supposed to just walk away from a situation that is clearly hurting people I care deeply about, and which has already impacted my life? Can't. Obvs.
Soooo... ya I don't actually have any answers yet. Writing posts about it and warbling at you is going to be my way of figuring it out. Something for y'all to look forward to...
Have a lovely week, kittens.
Wednesday 4 March 2015
Accountability & Scheduling
Who am I accountable to? In my life, there are:
Boyfriend #1 + his girlfriend + her boyfriend
Boyfriend #2 + his girlfriend + her husband
Girlfriend #1 + her boyfriend
My children + their father
So those +'s are people I'm theoretically not directly accountable to. And the boyfriends are not directly accountable to the partners of their other girlfriends. But it just doesn't always work out that way. And often, in my life, I land up being the one who checks in with *everyone* when we're making plans - or at least reminds my partners that I can't take a plan as confirmed until they've checked in with their 'chain of accountability'. You have to wonder how we get anything done.
And this is why, this weekend, we'll be inaugurating a (hopefully) weekly scheduling meeting for as many of us as are able and willing to make it. We're basing it on this article, which gives a lot of handy ideas, including ways for us to include the people who live out of town and can't always be present. Afterwards, we'll have pizza and play games. So it's a playdate as well as a meeting. Setting that up required about 8 messages, and I'm pretty sure the boyfriends didn't actually check in with their other girlfriends before agreeing to it (not so bad, since neither of them have plans with those girlfriends for Sunday afternoon). This means, of course, that either or both of the girlfriends won't be there, which is not great but at least we can get this thing off the ground. Because we need to. I'm now up to 5 out of 7 nights in a week booked as date nights. Add busy jobs and other projects in to that, for myself and the others, and it starts to look a bit crazy.
Because at the end of the day, I'm accountable to everyone in my relationship circle. I'm entitled to expect that my partners will be accountable to their partners, and will maintain open, honest communications with everyone. But if I'm not taking the needs of others into account when I'm advocating for my own needs (and vice versa), we're all going to land up too stretched. I need to remember, if I want or need to change date night with my girlfriend, that her boyfriend may have plans for them that night. Plans he might not even yet have mentioned to her because he's entitled, to some extent, to expect that our date night stays the same from week to week. And I have to check with Boyfriend #1 that he's ok that I'm moving that date to a night we often treat as an 'informal' date night. In case he was making a list of 'new house tasks' I might help him with that night.
Sounds like so much work, doesn't it? It kind of is. Check out how many date nights I get, though. <smiles> As Boyfriend #2 recently noted, just because we are the kind of people to whom the emotional/ romantic side of poly comes very naturally, doesn't mean we have to do less work at the day-to-day logistics stuff. It just means we are really committed to doing it, because these relationships make us happy. And they really do.
Boyfriend #1 + his girlfriend + her boyfriend
Boyfriend #2 + his girlfriend + her husband
Girlfriend #1 + her boyfriend
My children + their father
So those +'s are people I'm theoretically not directly accountable to. And the boyfriends are not directly accountable to the partners of their other girlfriends. But it just doesn't always work out that way. And often, in my life, I land up being the one who checks in with *everyone* when we're making plans - or at least reminds my partners that I can't take a plan as confirmed until they've checked in with their 'chain of accountability'. You have to wonder how we get anything done.
And this is why, this weekend, we'll be inaugurating a (hopefully) weekly scheduling meeting for as many of us as are able and willing to make it. We're basing it on this article, which gives a lot of handy ideas, including ways for us to include the people who live out of town and can't always be present. Afterwards, we'll have pizza and play games. So it's a playdate as well as a meeting. Setting that up required about 8 messages, and I'm pretty sure the boyfriends didn't actually check in with their other girlfriends before agreeing to it (not so bad, since neither of them have plans with those girlfriends for Sunday afternoon). This means, of course, that either or both of the girlfriends won't be there, which is not great but at least we can get this thing off the ground. Because we need to. I'm now up to 5 out of 7 nights in a week booked as date nights. Add busy jobs and other projects in to that, for myself and the others, and it starts to look a bit crazy.
Because at the end of the day, I'm accountable to everyone in my relationship circle. I'm entitled to expect that my partners will be accountable to their partners, and will maintain open, honest communications with everyone. But if I'm not taking the needs of others into account when I'm advocating for my own needs (and vice versa), we're all going to land up too stretched. I need to remember, if I want or need to change date night with my girlfriend, that her boyfriend may have plans for them that night. Plans he might not even yet have mentioned to her because he's entitled, to some extent, to expect that our date night stays the same from week to week. And I have to check with Boyfriend #1 that he's ok that I'm moving that date to a night we often treat as an 'informal' date night. In case he was making a list of 'new house tasks' I might help him with that night.
Sounds like so much work, doesn't it? It kind of is. Check out how many date nights I get, though. <smiles> As Boyfriend #2 recently noted, just because we are the kind of people to whom the emotional/ romantic side of poly comes very naturally, doesn't mean we have to do less work at the day-to-day logistics stuff. It just means we are really committed to doing it, because these relationships make us happy. And they really do.
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