Hello kittens. A couple of posts back I talked about a Big Life Decision I'm working on. Well, this is it. I'm implementing a five year plan to become a Sex Educator. If all goes according to plan, my girlfriend will be joining me and we'll become rich and famous and... Ha! No, not rich and famous, though hopefully we'll be able to pay the bills. What we will be is fulfilled, we hope. Doing work that we are passionate about and that (hopefully) makes a difference.
Throughout my life, I, and many of the people I've known and loved, have been affected by a lack of knowledge and emotional understanding of sex. From people who take sex way too seriously to people who don't take it nearly seriously enough. People who've fallen pregnant or gotten STDs because they don't know enough about safer sex, or don't have the wherewithal to insist on it. People who have been abused or raped, by strangers and by partners. And those are just the people I know. All over our country, young people are growing up with barely a passing knowledge of their own anatomy, and very little information to help them make decisions about what is and isn't acceptable to them. Sex workers, unprotected and looked down upon, are unable to protect themselves from dangerous customers, johns who refuse condoms, or unsterilised needles. Getting an abortion may be legal, but it's not exactly easy, and every street corner offers 'cheap abortion', with an advert for illegal 'virility pills' right next to it.
We are not good at talking about sex in our country. We are really not good at being sex positive and treating sex and discussion of sexuality as healthy, important parts of life. We have very few sex educators, and they struggle to have their voices heard. Dr Eve, Catriona Boffard, Dorothy Black and some other very strong people have worked hard, and respect is due. But there's a loooong way to go.
Step 1, for me? Educate myself. I work in a sex shop, so that helps. I have access to books, and toys, and I spend a large part of my day talking to people about what they need from sex. I'm also privileged to know or have access to wonderful people from the LGBTI, poly and kink communities, who constantly educate me and others. Those of you who watched the recent SABC doccie on poly will know that the marvelous Avri Spilka spoke eloquently about emphasising safer sex. I continue to learn from her and many other amazing teachers and friends.
Educating myself includes expanding my own sexual horizons. I don't believe that I need to do everything in order to understand or talk about it, but I do need to try all the stuff on my bucket list. Butt plugs are featuring this week. I got a super-cute one yesterday. Nope, I've never used a butt plug. I'll let you know how it goes. (wink) I'll also be attending workshops and, hopefully soon, courses on counselling. (And yes, if you have any excellent suggestions, comment away kittens.)
Being poly doesn't make me awesome at sex. I may never be awesome at sex. But I'm going to work damn hard at being an awesome advocate for sex positivity, in my life and in my work, and at being the best I can be as a sex and sexuality educator. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to love this journey.
Next up, I'll be reviewing two BIG books on sex that I've just laid hands on... with extra commentary from my teens as to which is most useful from their perspective.
Tuesday 28 July 2015
Tuesday 21 July 2015
But what is Crazy?
Oh haai! (I do totally think I'm hilarious for making a meme slash recent news incident namecheck greeting that only South Africans will understand. Now you know: I'm a dork.)
So I read this blog post today, and it really resonated for me. Most obviously due to a recent *situation*, on which more later, but also because it tends to be a rule with many poly/kinky people: don't stick your dick in crazy.
Let's start with a spot of sexism deconstruction. The wording of this irritates me. Of course, it could apply in m/m relationships, and I do know some girls with dicks too. But in general this phrasing implies both that it's men who need rules of this nature (because somehow they can't recognise destructive behaviour and/or wouldn't care if they can dip their wicks?), and that it's women who are crazy. Since accusing women of hysteria, craziness, mental instability etc has looooong been a thoroughly overused tool for misogyny of all hues, that kind of pisses me off.
So let's pretend I've come up with a similarly catchy and yet far less sexist and annoying phrase that will catch on any day now. I haven't, yet, but hey. The point behind it is worth examining.
Now, of the poly people I know, and the kinky people I've talked about this with, this is a fairly universal relationship 'rule', as well as a personal rule. However, it is usually further defined for clarity. Most common is to break it down to: don't get emotionally and/or physically involved with, or play with, someone who has serious mental health issues and is unwilling to seek treatment and/or acknowledge those issues. That last bit is key. Many people I have had relationships with or am in relationships with have suffered from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and various other mental health issues. Many of my friends are in the same position. With very few exceptions, all have sought help and treatment, and are open with those to whom it is important about their issues.
It can be very hard to be involved with a person who has mental health problems. It can be tiring, challenging, and frustrating. It involves a great deal of patience, empathy and learning. And when you have multiple partners, those resources may already be in short supply. If you have multiple partners and more than one of them has problems, it can *really* leave you short of spoons. I have no issue with someone choosing to exit a relationship with a partner who is undergoing treatment for mental health issues, as long as they do it with honesty and kindness. If you do not feel able to provide the support and love needed by your partner, or feel that they are not able to meet your needs (and have discussed that with them), then by all means, take the honest route and scale back the relationship.
I don't believe in veto. Having a veto is simply not a sensible way to cultivate multiple honest, caring relationships, as far as I'm concerned. However, the other day, I found myself yelling 'veto, veto' about someone my partner had not even expressed romantic interest in. (Yeah, this is the *situation*.)
They had been introduced by a mutual friend, who said that this person was interested in the kinky side of things, and wanted to know more. As the boyfriend is a thoughtful, experienced and responsible ambassador for kink, the friend suggested he would be a good dinner companion. And he had a perfectly lovely conversation, I think, with this new person.
And then when he told me about the dinner the next morning he mentioned I might know this person - our city being small - and said a name. That's when I yelled 'veto'. I took it back, of course, but I also repeated that I did not want this person anywhere near me or my family, nor did I want her to know that I was associated with our mutual friend or the kink world, nor did I even, truly, want our friend to ever see her again.
Of course, I can't control what boyfriend chooses to do. Although I know he will respect that I don't want him to mention me and I will never be around if he chooses to see her again for any reason. I also can't control who our friend chooses to be friends with, or what she discloses to them.
Why, you may ask, is this blog post so damn long? Or, why did you freak out and yell veto? Well, in my experience, this person is exactly the kind of crazy I do not want be within 500m of. The kind of crazy that has created worlds of hurt for other friends and acquaintances of mine. The kind of crazy that makes false accusations, and spreads rumours and will use private knowledge about a person to hurt them, for no particular reason other than paranoia and a victim complex, fuelled by what seem to be some very serious mental health issues.
Now here's the thing. I have no idea if this person has sought treatment, or fulfilled any of the acknowledgement/understanding/honesty criteria that I would expect when engaging with someone with mental health problems. In my experience, that was not the case, but things may have changed since I disengaged from any contact with her. Mutual acquaintances say no, but they may be wrong.
And so I wrung my hands for a few days. Because I hate to be unfair. And I particularly hate to be unfair to people who might actually be trying to turn their life around. Or have turned their lives around. But I look at the history of this person and all I can think is: wow, it would take years of treatment for her to be strong enough to enter into the kink lifestyle without doing serious damage to herself or others. And I don't believe she has disclosed that to the people she is engaging with about this. Which makes all my trust issues jump up and yell 'veto'.
So, yeah. I do believe you can have wonderful, fulfilling relationships with people who struggle with mental health problems. And I do believe that people with issues are more than their issue, and that they have, often, learned wonderful tools for dealing with their problems that benefit them and the relationship and you, greatly. And I do believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. But there are times when the 'crazy' is patent. And there are also times when past experiences are triggers, and you have to be honest about those. If you tend to have a poly network, like I do, and practice kitchen sink poly, like I do, and have partners who are kinky and try to be responsible, honest kinksters, like I do, then you need to talk about people who make you yell veto. And you need to be heard.
So I read this blog post today, and it really resonated for me. Most obviously due to a recent *situation*, on which more later, but also because it tends to be a rule with many poly/kinky people: don't stick your dick in crazy.
Let's start with a spot of sexism deconstruction. The wording of this irritates me. Of course, it could apply in m/m relationships, and I do know some girls with dicks too. But in general this phrasing implies both that it's men who need rules of this nature (because somehow they can't recognise destructive behaviour and/or wouldn't care if they can dip their wicks?), and that it's women who are crazy. Since accusing women of hysteria, craziness, mental instability etc has looooong been a thoroughly overused tool for misogyny of all hues, that kind of pisses me off.
So let's pretend I've come up with a similarly catchy and yet far less sexist and annoying phrase that will catch on any day now. I haven't, yet, but hey. The point behind it is worth examining.
Now, of the poly people I know, and the kinky people I've talked about this with, this is a fairly universal relationship 'rule', as well as a personal rule. However, it is usually further defined for clarity. Most common is to break it down to: don't get emotionally and/or physically involved with, or play with, someone who has serious mental health issues and is unwilling to seek treatment and/or acknowledge those issues. That last bit is key. Many people I have had relationships with or am in relationships with have suffered from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and various other mental health issues. Many of my friends are in the same position. With very few exceptions, all have sought help and treatment, and are open with those to whom it is important about their issues.
It can be very hard to be involved with a person who has mental health problems. It can be tiring, challenging, and frustrating. It involves a great deal of patience, empathy and learning. And when you have multiple partners, those resources may already be in short supply. If you have multiple partners and more than one of them has problems, it can *really* leave you short of spoons. I have no issue with someone choosing to exit a relationship with a partner who is undergoing treatment for mental health issues, as long as they do it with honesty and kindness. If you do not feel able to provide the support and love needed by your partner, or feel that they are not able to meet your needs (and have discussed that with them), then by all means, take the honest route and scale back the relationship.
I don't believe in veto. Having a veto is simply not a sensible way to cultivate multiple honest, caring relationships, as far as I'm concerned. However, the other day, I found myself yelling 'veto, veto' about someone my partner had not even expressed romantic interest in. (Yeah, this is the *situation*.)
They had been introduced by a mutual friend, who said that this person was interested in the kinky side of things, and wanted to know more. As the boyfriend is a thoughtful, experienced and responsible ambassador for kink, the friend suggested he would be a good dinner companion. And he had a perfectly lovely conversation, I think, with this new person.
And then when he told me about the dinner the next morning he mentioned I might know this person - our city being small - and said a name. That's when I yelled 'veto'. I took it back, of course, but I also repeated that I did not want this person anywhere near me or my family, nor did I want her to know that I was associated with our mutual friend or the kink world, nor did I even, truly, want our friend to ever see her again.
Of course, I can't control what boyfriend chooses to do. Although I know he will respect that I don't want him to mention me and I will never be around if he chooses to see her again for any reason. I also can't control who our friend chooses to be friends with, or what she discloses to them.
Why, you may ask, is this blog post so damn long? Or, why did you freak out and yell veto? Well, in my experience, this person is exactly the kind of crazy I do not want be within 500m of. The kind of crazy that has created worlds of hurt for other friends and acquaintances of mine. The kind of crazy that makes false accusations, and spreads rumours and will use private knowledge about a person to hurt them, for no particular reason other than paranoia and a victim complex, fuelled by what seem to be some very serious mental health issues.
Now here's the thing. I have no idea if this person has sought treatment, or fulfilled any of the acknowledgement/understanding/honesty criteria that I would expect when engaging with someone with mental health problems. In my experience, that was not the case, but things may have changed since I disengaged from any contact with her. Mutual acquaintances say no, but they may be wrong.
And so I wrung my hands for a few days. Because I hate to be unfair. And I particularly hate to be unfair to people who might actually be trying to turn their life around. Or have turned their lives around. But I look at the history of this person and all I can think is: wow, it would take years of treatment for her to be strong enough to enter into the kink lifestyle without doing serious damage to herself or others. And I don't believe she has disclosed that to the people she is engaging with about this. Which makes all my trust issues jump up and yell 'veto'.
So, yeah. I do believe you can have wonderful, fulfilling relationships with people who struggle with mental health problems. And I do believe that people with issues are more than their issue, and that they have, often, learned wonderful tools for dealing with their problems that benefit them and the relationship and you, greatly. And I do believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. But there are times when the 'crazy' is patent. And there are also times when past experiences are triggers, and you have to be honest about those. If you tend to have a poly network, like I do, and practice kitchen sink poly, like I do, and have partners who are kinky and try to be responsible, honest kinksters, like I do, then you need to talk about people who make you yell veto. And you need to be heard.
Wednesday 1 July 2015
Ketchup
What did the mustard say to the tomato sauce when it lagged behind? 'Oy, ketchup!'
Ok, sorry, couldn't help myself. I've been blogligent. No, I thought that could be a word but it really isn't. I've been negligent about blogging. Sorry. Been kinda busy.
I moved. I now live in a big (but apparently not big enough) house with two boyfriends, two children, five cats and a really hyperactive Jack Russell.
The cats are not getting on. And they don't like the dog. Except for my one small cat, who loves the dog but won't go out to visit with him because the other cats might be out there. Urgh. Seriously, this has been the single biggest problem we've faced in the moving in saga. It has nearly caused Boyfriend #1 and I to break up at least twice. I wanted to move out within a week of moving in. So here is my first tip for blending families:
TIP: Sort out the damn pets. If I knew exactly how to do that, I would've done it. Get a pet psychologist, or something. Whatever. Pets will be the death of your relationship. Well, maybe not the death, but they'll put some serious strain on that shit. And I do have friends who will break up with a person who dislikes their cats, so it could be the death.
Also, my ex has been very ill, so the children are living with us full-time. And my ex in-laws have been around a lot. And I've been worried sick because I do still love this man and we co-parent these remarkable children. That has not helped. Luckily, my partners have been super-supportive. Even though none of them bought into the full-time children deal, they've dealt with it amazingly, and been fantastic at supporting, loving and caring for all of us. And at having truncated, not particularly sexy dates, because children and stress.
In fact, thanks to our new living arrangements, my kids now sit down at table every night to a lovingly prepared meal. We chat, laugh, eat, share the clearing up. When it was just the three of us, the kids and I tended to go for trays in front of the TV. Now we have real mealtimes. It's a treat. And trays in front of the TV is another kind of treat. Which is the way it should be.
My girlfriend has had some problems in her live-in relationship. Not fun stuff, but I'm so very proud of how hard she and her boyfriend are working to learn and grow individually and together from it. It was all drama all the time for a few days, and that was hard on our relationship, but the two of us also learned and grew and that was great.
Been a lot of learning and growing. I'm reading More Than Two (slowly - it's a whopperload of information to take in) and that's been greatly comforting to me. Good to know that my slow practise has brought me to a lot of understanding already, and good to know that my inevitable buggerups are not just because I'm a moron, or never going to get this right, but because it's both absolutely intuitive and yet totally against all our conditioning and much of our psychology to be in multiple relationships. We have to work, quite hard, to get through that. Totally worth it, though. I'm going to say totes worth it, just to annoy the boyfriends (heheheh).
So that's a brief catchup, kittens. I'll be back soon with news of My Important Life Decision (yep, another one) and updates on how polyhousehold is going.
Ok, sorry, couldn't help myself. I've been blogligent. No, I thought that could be a word but it really isn't. I've been negligent about blogging. Sorry. Been kinda busy.
I moved. I now live in a big (but apparently not big enough) house with two boyfriends, two children, five cats and a really hyperactive Jack Russell.
The cats are not getting on. And they don't like the dog. Except for my one small cat, who loves the dog but won't go out to visit with him because the other cats might be out there. Urgh. Seriously, this has been the single biggest problem we've faced in the moving in saga. It has nearly caused Boyfriend #1 and I to break up at least twice. I wanted to move out within a week of moving in. So here is my first tip for blending families:
TIP: Sort out the damn pets. If I knew exactly how to do that, I would've done it. Get a pet psychologist, or something. Whatever. Pets will be the death of your relationship. Well, maybe not the death, but they'll put some serious strain on that shit. And I do have friends who will break up with a person who dislikes their cats, so it could be the death.
Also, my ex has been very ill, so the children are living with us full-time. And my ex in-laws have been around a lot. And I've been worried sick because I do still love this man and we co-parent these remarkable children. That has not helped. Luckily, my partners have been super-supportive. Even though none of them bought into the full-time children deal, they've dealt with it amazingly, and been fantastic at supporting, loving and caring for all of us. And at having truncated, not particularly sexy dates, because children and stress.
In fact, thanks to our new living arrangements, my kids now sit down at table every night to a lovingly prepared meal. We chat, laugh, eat, share the clearing up. When it was just the three of us, the kids and I tended to go for trays in front of the TV. Now we have real mealtimes. It's a treat. And trays in front of the TV is another kind of treat. Which is the way it should be.
My girlfriend has had some problems in her live-in relationship. Not fun stuff, but I'm so very proud of how hard she and her boyfriend are working to learn and grow individually and together from it. It was all drama all the time for a few days, and that was hard on our relationship, but the two of us also learned and grew and that was great.
Been a lot of learning and growing. I'm reading More Than Two (slowly - it's a whopperload of information to take in) and that's been greatly comforting to me. Good to know that my slow practise has brought me to a lot of understanding already, and good to know that my inevitable buggerups are not just because I'm a moron, or never going to get this right, but because it's both absolutely intuitive and yet totally against all our conditioning and much of our psychology to be in multiple relationships. We have to work, quite hard, to get through that. Totally worth it, though. I'm going to say totes worth it, just to annoy the boyfriends (heheheh).
So that's a brief catchup, kittens. I'll be back soon with news of My Important Life Decision (yep, another one) and updates on how polyhousehold is going.
Thursday 28 May 2015
Poly Practise
I checked, when typing the title of this post, that I had the right form of practise. Because, you know, you could have poly practice. One is the repeated exercise of an activity in order to become better at it. The other is a customary, or habitual practice. You see where I'm going with this?
Five years, now, I've known that poly is right for me. I'm not defined by my polyamory, but I'm sure as hell shaped by it. And it has had, and continues to have, a big impact on how I live my life. And every day is a new adventure.
So I went from a husband and kids and a couple of weird overly invested friendships to a husband and kids and a boyfriend. And then to separated from my husband but still with my boyfriend. And then two boyfriends. And then divorced, with kids and two boyfriends and a girlfriend. All in the last five years. Much of it in the last two years. And now I'm gearing up to move in with both boyfriends. Whhhooooo. This all feels like it's maybe moving too fast. Evolving too fast. Somehow, we seem to be pulling it off. It really helps that all my partners are very committed to making poly work, and that we have similar poly relationship styles. It really helps that we are all willing to self-examine, and to talk, and to work at it. It really helps that we're all willing to practise.
See what I did there?
One day, probably, it'll feel easy and natural to check in with everyone before making plans. One day it'll be habit to spend time together or one-on-one, all within the same house. One day we'll be really good at supporting and loving each other and also giving each other personal space. One day we'll feel like we've made this family something as awesome as we can see now it can be. For now, it's practise. Working at it. Learning new things all the time and practising them, or discarding things that we've realised are not working as well as we'd like.
And, actually, I'm good with that. It feels good that we practise. And it feels good that, even when some things are habit, other things will still need practise. I feel like that's one reason, actually, why being poly works well for me. Prevents stultification. Keeps us on our toes. Reminds us that relationships do grow, and evolve, always, and they require attention. Not always work. Work sounds hard, doesn't it? But attention. Care. Practise.
Five years, now, I've known that poly is right for me. I'm not defined by my polyamory, but I'm sure as hell shaped by it. And it has had, and continues to have, a big impact on how I live my life. And every day is a new adventure.
So I went from a husband and kids and a couple of weird overly invested friendships to a husband and kids and a boyfriend. And then to separated from my husband but still with my boyfriend. And then two boyfriends. And then divorced, with kids and two boyfriends and a girlfriend. All in the last five years. Much of it in the last two years. And now I'm gearing up to move in with both boyfriends. Whhhooooo. This all feels like it's maybe moving too fast. Evolving too fast. Somehow, we seem to be pulling it off. It really helps that all my partners are very committed to making poly work, and that we have similar poly relationship styles. It really helps that we are all willing to self-examine, and to talk, and to work at it. It really helps that we're all willing to practise.
See what I did there?
One day, probably, it'll feel easy and natural to check in with everyone before making plans. One day it'll be habit to spend time together or one-on-one, all within the same house. One day we'll be really good at supporting and loving each other and also giving each other personal space. One day we'll feel like we've made this family something as awesome as we can see now it can be. For now, it's practise. Working at it. Learning new things all the time and practising them, or discarding things that we've realised are not working as well as we'd like.
And, actually, I'm good with that. It feels good that we practise. And it feels good that, even when some things are habit, other things will still need practise. I feel like that's one reason, actually, why being poly works well for me. Prevents stultification. Keeps us on our toes. Reminds us that relationships do grow, and evolve, always, and they require attention. Not always work. Work sounds hard, doesn't it? But attention. Care. Practise.
Thursday 21 May 2015
End Goal
I've been reading a lot of Kimchi Cuddles lately. Loving it so much I can't actually express. It's like at least every third panel I'm going 'Yes! Yes that makes so much sense, I love you Tikva, can I marry you and have your babies?'. Well, maybe not, but can I love you forevermore?
Which brings me to the point of this post. Can I marry you and have your babies. Kimchi talks about the Relationship Escalator. We're trained from quite young that the way relationships go is you're monogamous, and there's a progression. Meet, date, date exclusively, move in, marry, children. Happily ever after. (That's the training, not the reality.) Depending on what you're taught, sex happens around the date exclusively mark. For some, they're taught that sex does not happen until you're married. That is one I've been trying to wrap my head around. It's the biggest load of bollocks I can imagine. It's so absurd to me that, when recently pressed, I couldn't even bother to argue why it's bollocks. I just tried to elucidate it for this blog but frankly I can't be arsed. If you actually think that marriage is some kind of magic point at which sex becomes sacred or the relationship is somehow exempt from ever ending, or, worst of worst, that women who are not 'virginal' are somehow not valuable enough to make a marriage-style commitment to... Ugh. That makes me puke in my mouth a little. And don't even get me started on how 'virginity' is defined in that setup. If you think that penis in vagina sex defines virginity, or defines sex, or the bit I got sidetracked from when I said 'if you actually think' before, then you probably shouldn't be reading this blog, because I'm sure to offend you.
Why, why, why? What is that shit? Why do we ask 'where is this going?' Why would someone who's been sort of long-distance dating one of my partners for roughly three months, and actually been in the same space with him about four times in that period, ask him if he would consider ever actually getting married (subtext: to her) and why oh why would that be a dealbreaker, especially so early in the relationship? Ok, to be fair to her, the ultimate dealbreaker was this poly business. It's pretty tough, when your end goal is get married, have sex, make babies, to build that relationship while one partner is having a happily sexual relationship with someone else. If I was trying on celibacy for a bit, I'd find it super-difficult to have one of my partners doing the naughty with someone else. Mainly because I'd keep imagining it and getting all hot and horny and that makes it hard to stay celibate. I'm digressing, again.
But ffs. It makes me cringe that there are people for whom this is the actual relationship model. I mean, I have absolutely no problem with two (or three or four...) people waking up one day and going 'you know what, I love you and this shit is totally working between us. Let's have a big-ass party and get presents and tell the whole world we want to be together all the time. While we're at it, let's do it legally too, cause that solves a whole bunch of practical issues.' But people who enter into a relationship with 'it's either marriage potential or it isn't, and if it isn't, I'm out'? Wow. How many awesome awesome relationships are they missing out on? How much chance to learn so much about themselves and who they are in a relationship and how to do this dance we call romance? How much heartbreak and heartmend do they miss, and how much do they cause?
To be clear (yeah, because that rant above was super-clear): it's a great idea to examine your relationships and how they make you feel and whether the space they're in is a healthy one for everyone, etc. It's a great idea to allow relationships to grow and evolve and change. It's just a really really stupid idea to expect them to evolve in a particular direction. They won't. They'll do their own thing, as they should. And if you're focused on that one direction, you're going to miss the total amazingness that is the multiple other directions they might or do go in. And I'm not all that and a snackwich.... I sometimes miss those bits, and I sometimes fall prey to the old narrative and wonder where a relationship is going. And I'm perfectly aware that I've lived that narrative.. I've been married and had kids and I speak from a place of knowing just what a big fat lie that narrative is, and for someone much younger and more hopeful my knowledge is just sad cynicism.
Grab the rainbow, kittens.... Stay off the escalator and just live the relationship. There ain't nothing wrong with commitment, but there ain't nothing wrong with living in the day either. In the immortal words of my beloved bestie: Life is too short to worry about it. Life is long, all things will come around.
Which brings me to the point of this post. Can I marry you and have your babies. Kimchi talks about the Relationship Escalator. We're trained from quite young that the way relationships go is you're monogamous, and there's a progression. Meet, date, date exclusively, move in, marry, children. Happily ever after. (That's the training, not the reality.) Depending on what you're taught, sex happens around the date exclusively mark. For some, they're taught that sex does not happen until you're married. That is one I've been trying to wrap my head around. It's the biggest load of bollocks I can imagine. It's so absurd to me that, when recently pressed, I couldn't even bother to argue why it's bollocks. I just tried to elucidate it for this blog but frankly I can't be arsed. If you actually think that marriage is some kind of magic point at which sex becomes sacred or the relationship is somehow exempt from ever ending, or, worst of worst, that women who are not 'virginal' are somehow not valuable enough to make a marriage-style commitment to... Ugh. That makes me puke in my mouth a little. And don't even get me started on how 'virginity' is defined in that setup. If you think that penis in vagina sex defines virginity, or defines sex, or the bit I got sidetracked from when I said 'if you actually think' before, then you probably shouldn't be reading this blog, because I'm sure to offend you.
Why, why, why? What is that shit? Why do we ask 'where is this going?' Why would someone who's been sort of long-distance dating one of my partners for roughly three months, and actually been in the same space with him about four times in that period, ask him if he would consider ever actually getting married (subtext: to her) and why oh why would that be a dealbreaker, especially so early in the relationship? Ok, to be fair to her, the ultimate dealbreaker was this poly business. It's pretty tough, when your end goal is get married, have sex, make babies, to build that relationship while one partner is having a happily sexual relationship with someone else. If I was trying on celibacy for a bit, I'd find it super-difficult to have one of my partners doing the naughty with someone else. Mainly because I'd keep imagining it and getting all hot and horny and that makes it hard to stay celibate. I'm digressing, again.
But ffs. It makes me cringe that there are people for whom this is the actual relationship model. I mean, I have absolutely no problem with two (or three or four...) people waking up one day and going 'you know what, I love you and this shit is totally working between us. Let's have a big-ass party and get presents and tell the whole world we want to be together all the time. While we're at it, let's do it legally too, cause that solves a whole bunch of practical issues.' But people who enter into a relationship with 'it's either marriage potential or it isn't, and if it isn't, I'm out'? Wow. How many awesome awesome relationships are they missing out on? How much chance to learn so much about themselves and who they are in a relationship and how to do this dance we call romance? How much heartbreak and heartmend do they miss, and how much do they cause?
To be clear (yeah, because that rant above was super-clear): it's a great idea to examine your relationships and how they make you feel and whether the space they're in is a healthy one for everyone, etc. It's a great idea to allow relationships to grow and evolve and change. It's just a really really stupid idea to expect them to evolve in a particular direction. They won't. They'll do their own thing, as they should. And if you're focused on that one direction, you're going to miss the total amazingness that is the multiple other directions they might or do go in. And I'm not all that and a snackwich.... I sometimes miss those bits, and I sometimes fall prey to the old narrative and wonder where a relationship is going. And I'm perfectly aware that I've lived that narrative.. I've been married and had kids and I speak from a place of knowing just what a big fat lie that narrative is, and for someone much younger and more hopeful my knowledge is just sad cynicism.
Grab the rainbow, kittens.... Stay off the escalator and just live the relationship. There ain't nothing wrong with commitment, but there ain't nothing wrong with living in the day either. In the immortal words of my beloved bestie: Life is too short to worry about it. Life is long, all things will come around.
Thursday 14 May 2015
Yes, but you...
I've had a lot of conversations that go like this:
Me: I'm feeling unhappy about this thing that you are doing/ have done.
Partner: Yes, but you did/ do that thing too.
Me: <blank>
What's going on in my head:
What I do:
I change the subject. Or I just shut down. Because I hate being an asshole, and I know that I sometimes am. Especially when it comes to relationships. Especially when it comes to managing multiple relationships. And I'm super-sensitive about it. Which kind of makes me an asshole, I know. My partners should be able to talk to me about when I'm being a twit without me going all sensitive and weird on them. I'm working on that.
But I don't think I'm being an asshole when I try to express what's making me feel unhappy or uncomfortable. I think if I don't express that, and talk it through and work it out, I'm likely to behave like a great big hat-wearing ass because I haven't dealt with the issue. I think it's tedious that this conversation pattern is re-entering my life. It happened a lot with my ex, and it's happening again. And this blog post is kind of me working out how I'm going to explain to my current partner/s why it's a bad conversation pattern. And I really think it is, for any relationship. I think maybe a better pattern would be something like:
Me: I'm feeling unhappy about this thing that you are doing/ have done.
Partner: Ok. Let's talk about why it makes you unhappy and see if it's something you can fix or something you need my help to fix. And then could we talk a bit about how you do something quite similar, and how my response to that is different to your response to this? Maybe that would also help us to figure out how to handle this issue?
(Writing down imaginary dialogues somehow always turns them into extremely formal-sounding conversations I would never have. Obvs I don't talk like that in real life, and my partners definitely don't, but I think the point is clear, no?)
What do you think, kittens? Anyone have any handy links or advice on this issue?
Me: I'm feeling unhappy about this thing that you are doing/ have done.
Partner: Yes, but you did/ do that thing too.
Me: <blank>
What's going on in my head:
- I'm trying to talk about my unhappiness and how I might be able to resolve it and what I can reasonably ask you to do to help me resolve it. That's now been derailed into a blame game.
- If I did/ do that thing, does it make you unhappy like it makes me unhappy? If so, why didn't you mention it before now?
- If it doesn't make you unhappy, that's good. But it makes me unhappy, so I need to talk about it.
- Are you even listening to me? This is not a game of 'who's being an asshat?'. It's about the fact that I need to resolve something that makes me unhappy. I'm not saying you're a bad person for doing the thing. Or even that it's a bad thing. Just that it doesn't work for me.
What I do:
I change the subject. Or I just shut down. Because I hate being an asshole, and I know that I sometimes am. Especially when it comes to relationships. Especially when it comes to managing multiple relationships. And I'm super-sensitive about it. Which kind of makes me an asshole, I know. My partners should be able to talk to me about when I'm being a twit without me going all sensitive and weird on them. I'm working on that.
But I don't think I'm being an asshole when I try to express what's making me feel unhappy or uncomfortable. I think if I don't express that, and talk it through and work it out, I'm likely to behave like a great big hat-wearing ass because I haven't dealt with the issue. I think it's tedious that this conversation pattern is re-entering my life. It happened a lot with my ex, and it's happening again. And this blog post is kind of me working out how I'm going to explain to my current partner/s why it's a bad conversation pattern. And I really think it is, for any relationship. I think maybe a better pattern would be something like:
Me: I'm feeling unhappy about this thing that you are doing/ have done.
Partner: Ok. Let's talk about why it makes you unhappy and see if it's something you can fix or something you need my help to fix. And then could we talk a bit about how you do something quite similar, and how my response to that is different to your response to this? Maybe that would also help us to figure out how to handle this issue?
(Writing down imaginary dialogues somehow always turns them into extremely formal-sounding conversations I would never have. Obvs I don't talk like that in real life, and my partners definitely don't, but I think the point is clear, no?)
What do you think, kittens? Anyone have any handy links or advice on this issue?
Thursday 23 April 2015
Poly & Out - Introducing Poly to Old Friends
So I had a school reunion last weekend. Most of these people I haven't seen, or been in contact with, for up to 25 years. I knew that two good friends, who I've been back in contact with for a few years, and who know about my poly life, would be there. And so I held my breath and made a big decision: I asked all three of my primary partners to come as my dates. They said yes.
I did this for several reasons. One was simply that I was scared of this whole reunion thing and I felt that having the support of all three of my loves would help a lot with that. One was that I figured I actually really don't need to impress these people in some 'look what an excellently functioning regular member of society I am way'. One was that I am just tired of always having to think, even if we're all going to a given event, 'who is my 'official' date and who is just there along with us' so that we don't confuse people. And one was 'f*%k it, I want to be allowed to bring my partners just like other people bring theirs and I don't want to have to pretend'.
So off we went, all pretty nervous about how this was going to go.
For the tl/dr: it went pretty fine.
I introduced the guys as my boyfriends and the girlfriend as my girlfriend. Some people did a double-take. Others just looked blank. A few people had accidentally already found out because one of my old friends had outed me. This part I actually really enjoyed. A girl from school said to my friend 'Yeah, I'll be there with my husband and my girlfriend and my girlfriend's girlfriend'. And my friend said 'Oh that's fantastic because AnotherCountryGirl is going to be there with all her partners so it's cool there'll be more than one poly group'. To which she got a blank stare, and realised that 'girlfriend' had meant 'friend who is a girl'. When she explained, everyone found it amusing and kind of cute. Not weird, just kind of cute and funny. I liked that.
Some people asked me questions. Some people chatted to my loves. Some people asked stupid questions (but obvious ones) like, 'so are you all going to have sex together when you get home?' The answer was 'we wouldn't normally and we're definitely going to be too tired after this anyway'. I danced with boyfriend #2 and girlfriend. We were all affectionate with each other, but not all PDA about it. People sat with us and seemed perfectly comfortable. Some people said clearly that they didn't get it, or that it wasn't for them, but they didn't say it judgementally and nobody said anything about us going to hell or anything like that.
I'm pretty damn sure there were plenty of tongues wagging off where we couldn't hear them. But on the whole everyone tried to be cool, and kind. And that's a win as far as I'm concerned.
So, here are the things I learned from this that may be useful:
I did this for several reasons. One was simply that I was scared of this whole reunion thing and I felt that having the support of all three of my loves would help a lot with that. One was that I figured I actually really don't need to impress these people in some 'look what an excellently functioning regular member of society I am way'. One was that I am just tired of always having to think, even if we're all going to a given event, 'who is my 'official' date and who is just there along with us' so that we don't confuse people. And one was 'f*%k it, I want to be allowed to bring my partners just like other people bring theirs and I don't want to have to pretend'.
So off we went, all pretty nervous about how this was going to go.
For the tl/dr: it went pretty fine.
I introduced the guys as my boyfriends and the girlfriend as my girlfriend. Some people did a double-take. Others just looked blank. A few people had accidentally already found out because one of my old friends had outed me. This part I actually really enjoyed. A girl from school said to my friend 'Yeah, I'll be there with my husband and my girlfriend and my girlfriend's girlfriend'. And my friend said 'Oh that's fantastic because AnotherCountryGirl is going to be there with all her partners so it's cool there'll be more than one poly group'. To which she got a blank stare, and realised that 'girlfriend' had meant 'friend who is a girl'. When she explained, everyone found it amusing and kind of cute. Not weird, just kind of cute and funny. I liked that.
Some people asked me questions. Some people chatted to my loves. Some people asked stupid questions (but obvious ones) like, 'so are you all going to have sex together when you get home?' The answer was 'we wouldn't normally and we're definitely going to be too tired after this anyway'. I danced with boyfriend #2 and girlfriend. We were all affectionate with each other, but not all PDA about it. People sat with us and seemed perfectly comfortable. Some people said clearly that they didn't get it, or that it wasn't for them, but they didn't say it judgementally and nobody said anything about us going to hell or anything like that.
I'm pretty damn sure there were plenty of tongues wagging off where we couldn't hear them. But on the whole everyone tried to be cool, and kind. And that's a win as far as I'm concerned.
So, here are the things I learned from this that may be useful:
- First talk about doing something like this with your partners. Make sure everyone is on the same page and is comfortable with it. We didn't really talk about it enough and we landed up all being a bit unnecessarily stressed about the occasion.
- It helps if there are one or two people at the occasion who already know your life choice and respect it. You feel more secure, and they can help mediate with others.
- Nonchalance works quite well. People deal surprisingly well with 'So let me introduce you to my boyfriends and my girlfriend, this is Boyfriend 1, and Girlfriend, and Boyfriend 2. Guys, this is X. So, X, what are you up to these days....blah blah blah'. If you don't act like it's a huge deal, people are more inclined (it seems) to try and be cool.
- Be normal. If you normally are affectionate with your partners in public spaces, that's fine. If you're normally quite restrained, that's fine too. It felt, to me, like us behaving in a way that was comfortable and regular for us made people feel comfortable with it.
- Don't make everything about your situation. Introduce your partners. Answer questions if they're asked. But talk to other people and show interest in them and they'll soon be far more interested in themselves than in you.
- Support your partners. If you're at an occasion that's more about one of you (like a reunion), they won't know anyone. Don't leave them in a corner. Introduce them to nice people and include them in conversation, dancing and so on. This goes for people with only one partner at something like this too. I saw a couple of bored-looking guys and girls sitting on the outskirts at this party, clearly wondering why the hell their partner found us all so charming.
- Believe in yourself. Nobody has a right to question your choices. You don't need to be aggressive, just firm. If you're clear that you know your lifestyle is different, but it's not weird or creepy, and you're happy and fulfilled, it goes a long way.
- Know that none of the above will stop asshats from being asshats. They are not your problem. Just walk away.
Friday 17 April 2015
Nobody new this year
So the girlfriend and I made a deal at the beginning of the year: Nobody new this year. Basically, this meant that since I'm already so stretched in the cutlery department, it would be unwise for me to add any new romances to my timetable. So, ok. Since Kenny of the Glitter Girls is not available, I'm good with this plan.
Also, I don't really have much time to go out other than on dates with my loves, so it seems unlikely I'm going to meet anyone new. Despite the fact that I'm apparently constitutionally unable to go to a bar and *not* pick up someone cute or interesting. I have so many random phone numbers in my phone I am practically a walking little black book. Anyway, I digress...
This rule does not extend to my loves, obviously. As we know, Boyfriend #1 has a recently New Girlfriend, and that's going slowly but well. Boyfriend #2 also has a new girlfriend. She lives in another city so it's a bit long-distance. And I have some issues around that because he sucked at long-distance when I met him but now it seems fine. Then again, I've seen a photo of her and she's cute enough to make some long-distance effort for.
So I gained a metamor, lost a metamor and gained another new metamor. All in the space of the last few months. Oh, and perhaps I should mention that all the other girlfriends are at least ten years younger than me. More, actually. And oh the fun my tricksy brain is having with telling me I'm too old and boring and chubby to 'compete' with these lovely young things. Jealousy is a sneaky sneaky bastard. I tell it that I know perfectly well I'm sexalicious and it reminds me that I'm still a little overweight. I tell it that I know I'm interesting and mature and an awesome girlfriend (most of the time) and it points out how I'm not that great at doing the cooking and maybe the boy(s) would like someone a little less, well, loud, around. I tell it that I trust my loves when they tell me they love me and always will, and I'm going to tell them clearly what my needs are so that I feel loved and wanted and not insecure. Then it shuts up. For a bit.
Ain't no easy way around the jealousy toad. But with good communication and healthy metamor relations, you can stomp that guy pretty good.
Have a glorious weekend, everyone. Stay safe, wherever you are.
PS: Yes, I'm in the heartland of xenophobia at the moment, but I can't even talk about it because it just makes me too fucking sad.
Also, I don't really have much time to go out other than on dates with my loves, so it seems unlikely I'm going to meet anyone new. Despite the fact that I'm apparently constitutionally unable to go to a bar and *not* pick up someone cute or interesting. I have so many random phone numbers in my phone I am practically a walking little black book. Anyway, I digress...
This rule does not extend to my loves, obviously. As we know, Boyfriend #1 has a recently New Girlfriend, and that's going slowly but well. Boyfriend #2 also has a new girlfriend. She lives in another city so it's a bit long-distance. And I have some issues around that because he sucked at long-distance when I met him but now it seems fine. Then again, I've seen a photo of her and she's cute enough to make some long-distance effort for.
So I gained a metamor, lost a metamor and gained another new metamor. All in the space of the last few months. Oh, and perhaps I should mention that all the other girlfriends are at least ten years younger than me. More, actually. And oh the fun my tricksy brain is having with telling me I'm too old and boring and chubby to 'compete' with these lovely young things. Jealousy is a sneaky sneaky bastard. I tell it that I know perfectly well I'm sexalicious and it reminds me that I'm still a little overweight. I tell it that I know I'm interesting and mature and an awesome girlfriend (most of the time) and it points out how I'm not that great at doing the cooking and maybe the boy(s) would like someone a little less, well, loud, around. I tell it that I trust my loves when they tell me they love me and always will, and I'm going to tell them clearly what my needs are so that I feel loved and wanted and not insecure. Then it shuts up. For a bit.
Ain't no easy way around the jealousy toad. But with good communication and healthy metamor relations, you can stomp that guy pretty good.
Have a glorious weekend, everyone. Stay safe, wherever you are.
PS: Yes, I'm in the heartland of xenophobia at the moment, but I can't even talk about it because it just makes me too fucking sad.
Thursday 16 April 2015
This stuff is *hard*
Yeesh. It's hard. It really is. Here are some things that are making it hard for me right now:
1. Delusions of normalcy
Despite my self-education and the support of many wonderful people and the fact that polyamory is practically mainstream these days, I have these moments and even whole days when I think that there's something wrong with me. I think that there is a 'proper' and 'normal' way to do relationships and I'm not doing it right.
And then I hate myself for even thinking that. Because that is some stupid shit right there. But you can see how this little cycle is a pleasant one, emotionally.
2. Spoons
I prefer the term 'criplets', myself. Mostly because riffing on the theme of criplets is how Boyfriend #2 got me to fall for him virtually instantly at a party. I can't for the life of me remember where it comes from and of course if I google it I find all sorts of stuff about crippled people that suddenly makes it seem a wildly inappropriate term. I also don't know where 'spoons' come from, unless it's because there are *never* enough teaspoons in a given cutlery drawer.
In any case, this refers to 'units of time and energy'. So I might have enough time to fit in a date, but not enough energy, or vice-versa. Or I may really want to have a date but I have neither the time nor the energy to do so. That's emotional, physical, sexual etc energy, btw. Love may be unlimited, but criplets/ spoons necessarily are.
Oh and my spoons are prrrreeettty stretched. Stretched spoons. Three committed romantic partners plus two teenagers plus challenging job plus friends. Streeeettttccchhhheed.
3. Just bloody life
I like routine. Without routine, there is nothing to rebel against. Without routine, I get a bit lost. I like organisation, and planning. I don't mind spontaneity, as long as you remember the blanket and the cheese knife and the condoms in your spontaneous packing. Without planning, I feel overwhelmed.
Life does not give a hoot about my desire for routine and planning. Life will throw in sickness and dead car batteries and missing cats and school projects and whatever it bloody likes and I will feel completely overwhelmed. But because I am organisyplannychick, my partners will expect that I will take it in stride and work with it. And then I cry a bit and feel sorry for myself. If I let them see that and don't carry on trying to organise and plan shit regardless, they help me to feel better.
4. Metamors
I gained a metamor earlier this year. A metamor is a partner's partner, in case you were wondering. So Boyfriend #1 has the wonderful New Girlfriend. I like her so much. I like her boyfriend so much. I'm still terrified. And dealing with the weird jealousy and insecurity is scary as shit. I think I'm doing ok. I hope.
I lost a metamor a few weeks ago. That was sad but necessary. I feel like we've been mourning it since then and I'm a little over that. I totally understand that Boyfriend #2 needs to work his way through this. It's just one of the weird things about poly: you get to be in a relationship with someone while they're going through the hard work of getting over another relationship. Hmm, I think that might be a whole 'nother blog post.
5. Space
My two boyfriends are living together in one big house. The big house that I will be moving into, with my kids, in a few months. So at the moment I live somewhere between my house and that house. It feels very unsettled. And I don't know where my space is. I have to figure this out.
Ok. That's my whine for today. Feel free to ask if I've just said a bunch of confusing stuff that makes no sense. I have a feeling this year is going to be a steep learning curve for my whole poly family, so best I make sense when I write about it if it's going to be of use to anyone else.
1. Delusions of normalcy
Despite my self-education and the support of many wonderful people and the fact that polyamory is practically mainstream these days, I have these moments and even whole days when I think that there's something wrong with me. I think that there is a 'proper' and 'normal' way to do relationships and I'm not doing it right.
And then I hate myself for even thinking that. Because that is some stupid shit right there. But you can see how this little cycle is a pleasant one, emotionally.
2. Spoons
I prefer the term 'criplets', myself. Mostly because riffing on the theme of criplets is how Boyfriend #2 got me to fall for him virtually instantly at a party. I can't for the life of me remember where it comes from and of course if I google it I find all sorts of stuff about crippled people that suddenly makes it seem a wildly inappropriate term. I also don't know where 'spoons' come from, unless it's because there are *never* enough teaspoons in a given cutlery drawer.
In any case, this refers to 'units of time and energy'. So I might have enough time to fit in a date, but not enough energy, or vice-versa. Or I may really want to have a date but I have neither the time nor the energy to do so. That's emotional, physical, sexual etc energy, btw. Love may be unlimited, but criplets/ spoons necessarily are.
Oh and my spoons are prrrreeettty stretched. Stretched spoons. Three committed romantic partners plus two teenagers plus challenging job plus friends. Streeeettttccchhhheed.
3. Just bloody life
I like routine. Without routine, there is nothing to rebel against. Without routine, I get a bit lost. I like organisation, and planning. I don't mind spontaneity, as long as you remember the blanket and the cheese knife and the condoms in your spontaneous packing. Without planning, I feel overwhelmed.
Life does not give a hoot about my desire for routine and planning. Life will throw in sickness and dead car batteries and missing cats and school projects and whatever it bloody likes and I will feel completely overwhelmed. But because I am organisyplannychick, my partners will expect that I will take it in stride and work with it. And then I cry a bit and feel sorry for myself. If I let them see that and don't carry on trying to organise and plan shit regardless, they help me to feel better.
4. Metamors
I gained a metamor earlier this year. A metamor is a partner's partner, in case you were wondering. So Boyfriend #1 has the wonderful New Girlfriend. I like her so much. I like her boyfriend so much. I'm still terrified. And dealing with the weird jealousy and insecurity is scary as shit. I think I'm doing ok. I hope.
I lost a metamor a few weeks ago. That was sad but necessary. I feel like we've been mourning it since then and I'm a little over that. I totally understand that Boyfriend #2 needs to work his way through this. It's just one of the weird things about poly: you get to be in a relationship with someone while they're going through the hard work of getting over another relationship. Hmm, I think that might be a whole 'nother blog post.
5. Space
My two boyfriends are living together in one big house. The big house that I will be moving into, with my kids, in a few months. So at the moment I live somewhere between my house and that house. It feels very unsettled. And I don't know where my space is. I have to figure this out.
Ok. That's my whine for today. Feel free to ask if I've just said a bunch of confusing stuff that makes no sense. I have a feeling this year is going to be a steep learning curve for my whole poly family, so best I make sense when I write about it if it's going to be of use to anyone else.
Friday 27 March 2015
Or not getting any
Sometimes, it's like this.
Boyfriend #1 is stressed about work and money and all sorts of perfectly reasonably stressful things. He's grumpy, and not feeling sexy.
Boyfriend #2 is a bit sad still about his breakup last week and is also worrying about work and money, and now has gone away on holiday for a few days.
Girlfriend has some personal shit to work on and is also stressed about work. And we're still in that weird phase where we're almost but not quite having sex. I know, it's stupid. We're being dumb and should just do it already. We know. Doesn't help.
Me? Horny. That's what I am. Getting any? you ask... Nope. Because of all the above. So I've spent the week being loving and understanding (and occasionally mentioning I might like some action) when all I really want is one or all of them to do every possible thing they might like to do to my body, and then some. (Though let's be clear, they've also been loving and we've had a really good week romance-wise.)
Next week, at least one of them will feel better. Will I be horny then, you ask... Does Murphy have a law?
Boyfriend #1 is stressed about work and money and all sorts of perfectly reasonably stressful things. He's grumpy, and not feeling sexy.
Boyfriend #2 is a bit sad still about his breakup last week and is also worrying about work and money, and now has gone away on holiday for a few days.
Girlfriend has some personal shit to work on and is also stressed about work. And we're still in that weird phase where we're almost but not quite having sex. I know, it's stupid. We're being dumb and should just do it already. We know. Doesn't help.
Me? Horny. That's what I am. Getting any? you ask... Nope. Because of all the above. So I've spent the week being loving and understanding (and occasionally mentioning I might like some action) when all I really want is one or all of them to do every possible thing they might like to do to my body, and then some. (Though let's be clear, they've also been loving and we've had a really good week romance-wise.)
Next week, at least one of them will feel better. Will I be horny then, you ask... Does Murphy have a law?
Tuesday 24 March 2015
Interconnection
Last week my boyfriend was breaking up with his other girlfriend. Or she was breaking up with him. From my perspective, what happened was that he insisted that they talk about their relationship, seriously, and after they did she broke up with him. Things had been off for some time. When they met last year, as when I met him, he was leaving the country. Possibly never to return. We all let each other get away with a lot of selfish, irresponsible and often quite boring behaviour, because it didn't seem worth using the precious short time we had trying to fix that.
Hah! Lesson number one. Consider it thoroughly learned. There is no excuse for allowing yourself to be manipulated or disrespected. Especially if you know perfectly well that it's happening. There is no excuse for disrespecting even a short-term partner. And then plus if one of you doesn't leave the country.... yeesh there's a lot of work to break those bad habits.
Annnyway... so last week was tough. Boyfriend #2 knew the relationship was probably coming to an end. He wanted it not to be horrible. He hoped maybe his girlfriend would in fact not want to break up and would turn out to really be poly. She's not. She's been very unhappy for quite some time because she tried to make herself be poly in order to be with him.
Lesson number two. You can't force yourself to be poly. And you shouldn't. And nobody else should force you to be. You also can't force yourself to be ok with poly. There are cases where poly/mono relationships can work. But if you're making the person you really love (her husband) unhappy so that you can explore a relationship with someone you love but want all to yourself (our mutual boyfriend) and that someone is poly..... hooo, that's a fucking mess. She saw that. She did the right thing for herself and her husband and her boyfriend. She ended it. That was sad, for all of us.
So I looked for resources on how to deal with all of this stuff. Because I was really angry with her at one point. Still am, in some ways. Things got messy and relationship boundaries were not respected and I had good reasons to be angry. But I knew it was a difficult time for her, and I although I didn't appreciate the behaviour, I saw where it was coming from.
What I wanted was some poly resources on how boyfriend and I could work together through this relationship crisis and possible breakup, without me being actually involved in the 'their relationship' part of it. How do I support my lover, and protect myself, and provide him with the advice and love he trusts me to provide in a situation like this, and still try very very hard not to interfere in what is actually going on?
I failed several times. I made him check texts when he didn't want to in case she was really upset. I asked for details when I shouldn't have because I wanted to understand her motivations - they weren't really my business. I needed help.
Couldn't find any. Not a sausage. Tons of stuff on how to make my metamour feel more comfortable. How to protect myself if my metamour is kind of a bitch. Mostly how to make her/ him feel more comfortable. Look, I am a super-nice person. I make everyone feel comfortable. And if you're not comfortable I will beat you over the head with my niceness until you are.
You get the point. No resources. And my support circle repeatedly said "it's his problem. He must deal with it. You just say no to this drama". But I couldn't do that. He is a big part of my life and this was the biggest thing happening in his week. And we are close. We talk about stuff. Emotions and shit. How is he supposed to just not talk to one of the people he's most used to talking to about relationships and his current life decisions? How am I supposed to just walk away from a situation that is clearly hurting people I care deeply about, and which has already impacted my life? Can't. Obvs.
Soooo... ya I don't actually have any answers yet. Writing posts about it and warbling at you is going to be my way of figuring it out. Something for y'all to look forward to...
Have a lovely week, kittens.
Hah! Lesson number one. Consider it thoroughly learned. There is no excuse for allowing yourself to be manipulated or disrespected. Especially if you know perfectly well that it's happening. There is no excuse for disrespecting even a short-term partner. And then plus if one of you doesn't leave the country.... yeesh there's a lot of work to break those bad habits.
Annnyway... so last week was tough. Boyfriend #2 knew the relationship was probably coming to an end. He wanted it not to be horrible. He hoped maybe his girlfriend would in fact not want to break up and would turn out to really be poly. She's not. She's been very unhappy for quite some time because she tried to make herself be poly in order to be with him.
Lesson number two. You can't force yourself to be poly. And you shouldn't. And nobody else should force you to be. You also can't force yourself to be ok with poly. There are cases where poly/mono relationships can work. But if you're making the person you really love (her husband) unhappy so that you can explore a relationship with someone you love but want all to yourself (our mutual boyfriend) and that someone is poly..... hooo, that's a fucking mess. She saw that. She did the right thing for herself and her husband and her boyfriend. She ended it. That was sad, for all of us.
So I looked for resources on how to deal with all of this stuff. Because I was really angry with her at one point. Still am, in some ways. Things got messy and relationship boundaries were not respected and I had good reasons to be angry. But I knew it was a difficult time for her, and I although I didn't appreciate the behaviour, I saw where it was coming from.
What I wanted was some poly resources on how boyfriend and I could work together through this relationship crisis and possible breakup, without me being actually involved in the 'their relationship' part of it. How do I support my lover, and protect myself, and provide him with the advice and love he trusts me to provide in a situation like this, and still try very very hard not to interfere in what is actually going on?
I failed several times. I made him check texts when he didn't want to in case she was really upset. I asked for details when I shouldn't have because I wanted to understand her motivations - they weren't really my business. I needed help.
Couldn't find any. Not a sausage. Tons of stuff on how to make my metamour feel more comfortable. How to protect myself if my metamour is kind of a bitch. Mostly how to make her/ him feel more comfortable. Look, I am a super-nice person. I make everyone feel comfortable. And if you're not comfortable I will beat you over the head with my niceness until you are.
You get the point. No resources. And my support circle repeatedly said "it's his problem. He must deal with it. You just say no to this drama". But I couldn't do that. He is a big part of my life and this was the biggest thing happening in his week. And we are close. We talk about stuff. Emotions and shit. How is he supposed to just not talk to one of the people he's most used to talking to about relationships and his current life decisions? How am I supposed to just walk away from a situation that is clearly hurting people I care deeply about, and which has already impacted my life? Can't. Obvs.
Soooo... ya I don't actually have any answers yet. Writing posts about it and warbling at you is going to be my way of figuring it out. Something for y'all to look forward to...
Have a lovely week, kittens.
Wednesday 4 March 2015
Accountability & Scheduling
Who am I accountable to? In my life, there are:
Boyfriend #1 + his girlfriend + her boyfriend
Boyfriend #2 + his girlfriend + her husband
Girlfriend #1 + her boyfriend
My children + their father
So those +'s are people I'm theoretically not directly accountable to. And the boyfriends are not directly accountable to the partners of their other girlfriends. But it just doesn't always work out that way. And often, in my life, I land up being the one who checks in with *everyone* when we're making plans - or at least reminds my partners that I can't take a plan as confirmed until they've checked in with their 'chain of accountability'. You have to wonder how we get anything done.
And this is why, this weekend, we'll be inaugurating a (hopefully) weekly scheduling meeting for as many of us as are able and willing to make it. We're basing it on this article, which gives a lot of handy ideas, including ways for us to include the people who live out of town and can't always be present. Afterwards, we'll have pizza and play games. So it's a playdate as well as a meeting. Setting that up required about 8 messages, and I'm pretty sure the boyfriends didn't actually check in with their other girlfriends before agreeing to it (not so bad, since neither of them have plans with those girlfriends for Sunday afternoon). This means, of course, that either or both of the girlfriends won't be there, which is not great but at least we can get this thing off the ground. Because we need to. I'm now up to 5 out of 7 nights in a week booked as date nights. Add busy jobs and other projects in to that, for myself and the others, and it starts to look a bit crazy.
Because at the end of the day, I'm accountable to everyone in my relationship circle. I'm entitled to expect that my partners will be accountable to their partners, and will maintain open, honest communications with everyone. But if I'm not taking the needs of others into account when I'm advocating for my own needs (and vice versa), we're all going to land up too stretched. I need to remember, if I want or need to change date night with my girlfriend, that her boyfriend may have plans for them that night. Plans he might not even yet have mentioned to her because he's entitled, to some extent, to expect that our date night stays the same from week to week. And I have to check with Boyfriend #1 that he's ok that I'm moving that date to a night we often treat as an 'informal' date night. In case he was making a list of 'new house tasks' I might help him with that night.
Sounds like so much work, doesn't it? It kind of is. Check out how many date nights I get, though. <smiles> As Boyfriend #2 recently noted, just because we are the kind of people to whom the emotional/ romantic side of poly comes very naturally, doesn't mean we have to do less work at the day-to-day logistics stuff. It just means we are really committed to doing it, because these relationships make us happy. And they really do.
Boyfriend #1 + his girlfriend + her boyfriend
Boyfriend #2 + his girlfriend + her husband
Girlfriend #1 + her boyfriend
My children + their father
So those +'s are people I'm theoretically not directly accountable to. And the boyfriends are not directly accountable to the partners of their other girlfriends. But it just doesn't always work out that way. And often, in my life, I land up being the one who checks in with *everyone* when we're making plans - or at least reminds my partners that I can't take a plan as confirmed until they've checked in with their 'chain of accountability'. You have to wonder how we get anything done.
And this is why, this weekend, we'll be inaugurating a (hopefully) weekly scheduling meeting for as many of us as are able and willing to make it. We're basing it on this article, which gives a lot of handy ideas, including ways for us to include the people who live out of town and can't always be present. Afterwards, we'll have pizza and play games. So it's a playdate as well as a meeting. Setting that up required about 8 messages, and I'm pretty sure the boyfriends didn't actually check in with their other girlfriends before agreeing to it (not so bad, since neither of them have plans with those girlfriends for Sunday afternoon). This means, of course, that either or both of the girlfriends won't be there, which is not great but at least we can get this thing off the ground. Because we need to. I'm now up to 5 out of 7 nights in a week booked as date nights. Add busy jobs and other projects in to that, for myself and the others, and it starts to look a bit crazy.
Because at the end of the day, I'm accountable to everyone in my relationship circle. I'm entitled to expect that my partners will be accountable to their partners, and will maintain open, honest communications with everyone. But if I'm not taking the needs of others into account when I'm advocating for my own needs (and vice versa), we're all going to land up too stretched. I need to remember, if I want or need to change date night with my girlfriend, that her boyfriend may have plans for them that night. Plans he might not even yet have mentioned to her because he's entitled, to some extent, to expect that our date night stays the same from week to week. And I have to check with Boyfriend #1 that he's ok that I'm moving that date to a night we often treat as an 'informal' date night. In case he was making a list of 'new house tasks' I might help him with that night.
Sounds like so much work, doesn't it? It kind of is. Check out how many date nights I get, though. <smiles> As Boyfriend #2 recently noted, just because we are the kind of people to whom the emotional/ romantic side of poly comes very naturally, doesn't mean we have to do less work at the day-to-day logistics stuff. It just means we are really committed to doing it, because these relationships make us happy. And they really do.
Monday 23 February 2015
Being Out Poly
This is a big topic, and just a short(ish) post thereon. As you know, I'm selectively out. I tend to speak quite openly around friends and am not scared to tell colleagues I'm poly if it comes up. (So far I've told two colleagues - I think the others just think I have a magical boyfriend who can be in several places at once and has a vast number of skills :) )
People have varying reactions. Some people are fine conceptually, then get really edgy when they have to deal with meeting an additional partner. Others ask lots of questions, seem a little uneasy, but manage to treat everyone with respect. You never can really tell. I try to be open to questions and to provide a reasonable amount of info when I introduce the concept. That usually helps.
My favourite thing, though, is this: Both boyfriends and I play a semi-regular role-playing game with a specific group of people. When we started, it was just me and Boyfriend #1. We were invited by a good friend of mine, who's known me for a long time and knows #1 pretty well. When #2 came into my world, and it turned out he loves RPGs, he joined us too.
We met all the other players in the context of the game. They'd seen me be affectionate with #1 on previous occasions. But it's not like we snog during game time. A couple of sessions after #2 joined us, #1 was away. I went to the game evening with #2 and we sat together and sometimes held hands or otherwise behaved in a couply way. Nobody so much as blinked.
Since then one or other of us has had to miss a session now and then, and the other two have generally gone along. Sometimes its me and one of the guys, sometimes the guys and not me. When everyone plays at my house, it's clear that the guys are both staying over.
Nobody has said a word. It's not like they're ignoring it. They just treat it as perfectly normal that I have two boyfriends and we hang out together and all play games together. They've never asked any questions (of me - maybe my old friend got the third degree and I just don't know). This weekend we had a dinner party and I was quite obviously affectionate to both the guys, plus I made a comment at some point about them both being my boyfriends. No blinks. Not a fuck is given by these people that we have an 'unusual' relationship arrangement. And I cannot tell you how very good that feels.
Maybe they're just odd people, maybe it's a nerd thing (yes, we're clearly a pretty nerdy bunch), maybe they're just mature and smart and figure the arrangements are none of their business.
Whatever, it's awesome.
People have varying reactions. Some people are fine conceptually, then get really edgy when they have to deal with meeting an additional partner. Others ask lots of questions, seem a little uneasy, but manage to treat everyone with respect. You never can really tell. I try to be open to questions and to provide a reasonable amount of info when I introduce the concept. That usually helps.
My favourite thing, though, is this: Both boyfriends and I play a semi-regular role-playing game with a specific group of people. When we started, it was just me and Boyfriend #1. We were invited by a good friend of mine, who's known me for a long time and knows #1 pretty well. When #2 came into my world, and it turned out he loves RPGs, he joined us too.
We met all the other players in the context of the game. They'd seen me be affectionate with #1 on previous occasions. But it's not like we snog during game time. A couple of sessions after #2 joined us, #1 was away. I went to the game evening with #2 and we sat together and sometimes held hands or otherwise behaved in a couply way. Nobody so much as blinked.
Since then one or other of us has had to miss a session now and then, and the other two have generally gone along. Sometimes its me and one of the guys, sometimes the guys and not me. When everyone plays at my house, it's clear that the guys are both staying over.
Nobody has said a word. It's not like they're ignoring it. They just treat it as perfectly normal that I have two boyfriends and we hang out together and all play games together. They've never asked any questions (of me - maybe my old friend got the third degree and I just don't know). This weekend we had a dinner party and I was quite obviously affectionate to both the guys, plus I made a comment at some point about them both being my boyfriends. No blinks. Not a fuck is given by these people that we have an 'unusual' relationship arrangement. And I cannot tell you how very good that feels.
Maybe they're just odd people, maybe it's a nerd thing (yes, we're clearly a pretty nerdy bunch), maybe they're just mature and smart and figure the arrangements are none of their business.
Whatever, it's awesome.
Sunday 8 February 2015
Poly Playdates & Focus
So that last post was about the focus problem, and how I was having trouble last week. Well, the remarkable girlfriend reminded me that when we're stretched a bit thin, the poly playdate can be a real lifesaver. Instead of trying to find space for kids and boyfriend and girlfriend (plus the social engagements we had this weekend), we all got together and made nachos and watched a fun movie. I had the very great pleasure of having most of the people I love and want to spend my time with all in the same room, laughing and eating and having a good evening, and I feel loved and rejuvenated. And excited to see Boyfriend #1, who is back this evening from his time away visiting with his parent.
Tuesday 3 February 2015
Focus... Tough one
Yoh! What a week it's turning out to be folks. And it's really brought home one of the toughest things (I think) to get right when you're in multiple relationships - focus. We talk a lot about time management, and balancing the actual time you spend with each of your partners. And we talk sometimes about the quality of that time. In fact, I noted in my recent blog post that one of the things I'm thinking about is how that quality might be different between an official 'date' and just time spent in the same space doing day-to-day things.
But then there's focus. If I'm on a date with Girlfriend #1, but I'm not paying full attention to her because my focus lies elsewhere, that ain't great. And it can be hard to switch focus. This week, I'm really struggling with that, because:
Boyfriend #1's parent is very ill. Scarily ill. This is painful and frightening for him, and he needs to feel supported and loved. He really doesn't need to be distracted by discussing our time management plans for February, and he really needs me to stay focused and there for him at any time. Because illness is not going to schedule itself around us.
But: Boyfriend #2 has just made some important life decisions and I'm committed to helping him, where needed, to implement those decisions. This also impacts on our future relationship, so now is a time when we're starting to work that stuff out.
And: As you know from yesterday's post, I've just embarked on this new journey with Girlfriend #1. It's important to me that we don't let things get in the way of this, and that she doesn't feel taken for granted because of our existing relationship.
And let's not forget there are teenage kids who need me to be focused on them and their needs, pretty much all the time. Oh, and the new job, where I'm still learning and developing.
Luckily for me, all of my partners are amazing, and they understand what's going on and are being immensely supportive. That doesn't change that I'm feeling a bit whacked with a sandbag. It's tough, because my instinct is to be there for everyone, and not let anyone feel that they are not getting enough focus. I have to reign that in. I know what's most important is to communicate with everyone, and to do what I can, when I can. And to look after myself too, so I don't crash emotionally just when, potentially, I'm most needed.
Not all moonlight and roses, readers. But this is what I signed up for. I *want* these relationships to be deep and stable and the kind where we can rely on each other in times of crisis. I *want* to find that balance of time and focus that makes us all feel safe. So it's onward and upward. With extra vitamins and no tv, because sleep is definitely needed.
But then there's focus. If I'm on a date with Girlfriend #1, but I'm not paying full attention to her because my focus lies elsewhere, that ain't great. And it can be hard to switch focus. This week, I'm really struggling with that, because:
Boyfriend #1's parent is very ill. Scarily ill. This is painful and frightening for him, and he needs to feel supported and loved. He really doesn't need to be distracted by discussing our time management plans for February, and he really needs me to stay focused and there for him at any time. Because illness is not going to schedule itself around us.
But: Boyfriend #2 has just made some important life decisions and I'm committed to helping him, where needed, to implement those decisions. This also impacts on our future relationship, so now is a time when we're starting to work that stuff out.
And: As you know from yesterday's post, I've just embarked on this new journey with Girlfriend #1. It's important to me that we don't let things get in the way of this, and that she doesn't feel taken for granted because of our existing relationship.
And let's not forget there are teenage kids who need me to be focused on them and their needs, pretty much all the time. Oh, and the new job, where I'm still learning and developing.
Luckily for me, all of my partners are amazing, and they understand what's going on and are being immensely supportive. That doesn't change that I'm feeling a bit whacked with a sandbag. It's tough, because my instinct is to be there for everyone, and not let anyone feel that they are not getting enough focus. I have to reign that in. I know what's most important is to communicate with everyone, and to do what I can, when I can. And to look after myself too, so I don't crash emotionally just when, potentially, I'm most needed.
Not all moonlight and roses, readers. But this is what I signed up for. I *want* these relationships to be deep and stable and the kind where we can rely on each other in times of crisis. I *want* to find that balance of time and focus that makes us all feel safe. So it's onward and upward. With extra vitamins and no tv, because sleep is definitely needed.
Monday 2 February 2015
Girlfriend #1 and the Year of Making Things Happen
Y'all know I have this girlfriend with whom I have had a loving and marvelous relationship for some years now. I've also mentioned that this has been a non-sexual relationship. By which I don't mean we haven't snogged, or felt each other up, or reasonably often had the desire to do all sorts of delicious things to each other. We just didn't have the time or space to make that happen without it becoming an effort for both of us.
Well, so now we're making the effort. <yeah, I'm smiling.>
We started talking a few months ago, about this bit where we don't have a sexual relationship, and most people who know us see us as besties rather than girlfriends. And both of us were quite clear in our heads that we feel other than, more than, different than besties. Sex or no sex, dates or no dates, our attachment has always been romantic, loving, committed in a way is more like a love relationship than a bestie friendship.
And then she suggested maybe we do this proper-like. Regular date nights, a more physical relationship. She talked it over with her boyfriend and he agreed to it. In fact, he's been very supportive, and I'm really liking how my relationship with him is also growing.
So now we have weekly dates, and we kiss a lot, and it's pretty damn sexy. And I'm scared as hell. What if we disturb our nice, neat status quo and it turns out to be more difficult than we thought and it changes us? What if I'm just not enough fun in bed? What if what if what if? This relationship is so very important to me, and is so much a part of my life, that I really really don't want to lose it.
But man, it's so awesome to spend time with her, exactly the same way we always have, but know that this relationship now has space to grow, to include whatever we want it to include, to teach us both things, to have time together that is dedicated to our relationship. And sleepovers. And sex. And I don't even know what else... a future. If we get this right, we get to imagine our future together, with all of the fun stuff I just listed.
And I'm here to tell you, my girlfriend is a freaking gorgeous woman. And smart, and funny and incredibly elegant. Being out with her makes me want to yell "Check out my seriously hot girlfriend", but I don't need to, because everyone is already checking her out. Call me superficial all you like, I enjoy that.
Wish us luck, readers. We have this whole year of change ahead, and this part is a really great part.
Well, so now we're making the effort. <yeah, I'm smiling.>
We started talking a few months ago, about this bit where we don't have a sexual relationship, and most people who know us see us as besties rather than girlfriends. And both of us were quite clear in our heads that we feel other than, more than, different than besties. Sex or no sex, dates or no dates, our attachment has always been romantic, loving, committed in a way is more like a love relationship than a bestie friendship.
And then she suggested maybe we do this proper-like. Regular date nights, a more physical relationship. She talked it over with her boyfriend and he agreed to it. In fact, he's been very supportive, and I'm really liking how my relationship with him is also growing.
So now we have weekly dates, and we kiss a lot, and it's pretty damn sexy. And I'm scared as hell. What if we disturb our nice, neat status quo and it turns out to be more difficult than we thought and it changes us? What if I'm just not enough fun in bed? What if what if what if? This relationship is so very important to me, and is so much a part of my life, that I really really don't want to lose it.
But man, it's so awesome to spend time with her, exactly the same way we always have, but know that this relationship now has space to grow, to include whatever we want it to include, to teach us both things, to have time together that is dedicated to our relationship. And sleepovers. And sex. And I don't even know what else... a future. If we get this right, we get to imagine our future together, with all of the fun stuff I just listed.
And I'm here to tell you, my girlfriend is a freaking gorgeous woman. And smart, and funny and incredibly elegant. Being out with her makes me want to yell "Check out my seriously hot girlfriend", but I don't need to, because everyone is already checking her out. Call me superficial all you like, I enjoy that.
Wish us luck, readers. We have this whole year of change ahead, and this part is a really great part.
Saturday 31 January 2015
Moving on in
Continuing with the changes in my life: in a few months, I will be moving in with Boyfriend #1. In many ways, this is simply a practical choice. We've found that it's frankly a pain in the ass for us to keep travelling back and forth to each other's houses. It cuts into our time. When we have tasks we need to do at our respective homes, we have to fit them around the times that we're spending out of those homes, and the time that the other one is in our home. Though we've been together so long, we still tend to spend our time together sitting chatting (or, yes, in bed). So, two to four nights a week and often at least one weekend afternoon, neither of us can get anything done because we want to be in the same space and that means, essentially, a date.
That's a big chunk of our time. And with being poly already requiring a certain amount of time-management, it gets silly. Now that we both have other partners, we realised we either have to give up some of our evenings together to fit in other dates *and* household errands (not to mention that both of us actually require alone time to recharge), or come to a better arrangement.
So, we move in together. This raises all sorts of questions about whether he will be, or actually already is, my "primary".
I dislike the terms "primary" and "secondary". I dislike the idea of hierarchical relationships. And I know, both philosophically and because I've lived through it, that relationships are prone to change.
Sometimes small change - patterns and habits developed over years are disrupted for many reasons. For example, a partner who once worked from home and was always available may get an office job and the dynamic changes. Emotionally, relationships ebb and wane to some degree. We go through periods of wanting to be together every free moment, and periods of being quite content to see one another a couple of times a week (still loving one another, just having other things we're concentrating on, and secure in the knowledge that this ebb and wane is natural and will ebb, or wane, again).
And big change happens. When #1 and I got together, I lived with my husband and children and we believed (#1 and I) that we would never live together, probably never even be able to go away on holiday as a couple. Sometimes people have to move for work, or switch from flexi-hours to working long hours that make them tired and unavailable for long periods.
Are we supposed, in times like that, to hold "secondary" partners at arms length? Are we supposed, during a waning period in one relationship, to artificially induce or hold back an ebb in another relationship so as to give one the "upper hand"? It's silly.
That said, Boyfriend #2 and I have been discussing this. We like to talk semantics. He's rather opinionated on the use of inappropriately generalised or unusefully specific terms, and both of us feel it hampers much of the material available for poly support. Yet there aren't 'better' ways to describe things, at this point. Which doesn't mean that terms like 'primary' and 'secondary' should remain in use. Merely that we need to work harder to describe the differences in relationships that occur in the poly lifestyle. And, because of course every relationship, and every set of relationships, will have its own quirks, restrictions, experiences, that's a pretty hard task.
So, here are some questions I'll be exploring over the coming while:
That's a big chunk of our time. And with being poly already requiring a certain amount of time-management, it gets silly. Now that we both have other partners, we realised we either have to give up some of our evenings together to fit in other dates *and* household errands (not to mention that both of us actually require alone time to recharge), or come to a better arrangement.
So, we move in together. This raises all sorts of questions about whether he will be, or actually already is, my "primary".
I dislike the terms "primary" and "secondary". I dislike the idea of hierarchical relationships. And I know, both philosophically and because I've lived through it, that relationships are prone to change.
Sometimes small change - patterns and habits developed over years are disrupted for many reasons. For example, a partner who once worked from home and was always available may get an office job and the dynamic changes. Emotionally, relationships ebb and wane to some degree. We go through periods of wanting to be together every free moment, and periods of being quite content to see one another a couple of times a week (still loving one another, just having other things we're concentrating on, and secure in the knowledge that this ebb and wane is natural and will ebb, or wane, again).
And big change happens. When #1 and I got together, I lived with my husband and children and we believed (#1 and I) that we would never live together, probably never even be able to go away on holiday as a couple. Sometimes people have to move for work, or switch from flexi-hours to working long hours that make them tired and unavailable for long periods.
Are we supposed, in times like that, to hold "secondary" partners at arms length? Are we supposed, during a waning period in one relationship, to artificially induce or hold back an ebb in another relationship so as to give one the "upper hand"? It's silly.
That said, Boyfriend #2 and I have been discussing this. We like to talk semantics. He's rather opinionated on the use of inappropriately generalised or unusefully specific terms, and both of us feel it hampers much of the material available for poly support. Yet there aren't 'better' ways to describe things, at this point. Which doesn't mean that terms like 'primary' and 'secondary' should remain in use. Merely that we need to work harder to describe the differences in relationships that occur in the poly lifestyle. And, because of course every relationship, and every set of relationships, will have its own quirks, restrictions, experiences, that's a pretty hard task.
So, here are some questions I'll be exploring over the coming while:
- Can we really say "I love you all equally"? Does it make sense in the context of length of relationship, time spent together, and that quality of familiarity and comfort that comes from the combination of the above?
- How do we describe the difference between a relationship that is still growing and evolving rapidly (as happens in the first year or two, say) and a relationship that is long-standing and stable, without reverting to hierarchic terminology?
- How do we describe the difference between the relationship I have with the partner with whom I share my most private space (a master bedroom) and the partner with whom I spend a lot of time, including some nights of the week, but with whom I do not officially share that private space?
- How do we describe the difference between either of those two and the relationship I have with the partner who is also a major part of my family but who lives elsewhere with another partner with whom she shares her most private space?
- How do we decide, whether we are in or out of the poly closet (though in the case of out it's slightly easier), which of those partners attends work and family functions?
- How do we ascertain, or examine, the difference in quality of time spent with partners who have official 'date nights' and the partner with whom we share the day-to-day comforts of a long-term live-in relationship? How do we value both?
- How do we make decisions, if we want to make a family, about who should be included in the living arrangements and how they are included?
- How do our partners' other partners, existing and possible future, fit into these arrangements?
- And, so very much not least, is it extremely important to work all this stuff out? And if we even work it out to some degree, isn't it likely to evolve, just as our relationships evolve?
Next in my current blogging spree: Girlfriend #1-and-only and the year of making it happen.
Friday 30 January 2015
All change
So there's a *lot* going on around here. It's been going on for a while but I wasn't ready to talk about all of it just yet. And I'm sorry that I haven't been posting as often as I should, but part of the change was that I started a new job. I moved from being essentially a 'cut and paster' back into doing the stuff I love best - writing and working online. I hate calling myself a marketer or a social media expert, but it's stuff I'm good at, and when I get to do it for a company I really like, it's awesome fun. And I *love* my new job. It's a fantastic environment and a brand I can really get into. More on that at a later stage though.
Today, let's cover point number one: I am no longer in a triad.
Now that I've said that, I'm not sure we ever were successfully in a triad. We kind of fell into it, partly because it was convenient and partly because we were all on a learning curve and being in it all together seemed to make it easier emotionally. I recently read Shelly's excellent piece on Family and Consent on More Than Two and it really got me thinking about how none of us actively consented to being in that triad. I don't think any of us were trying to be coercive. I think, rather, that we were all trying so hard to do what we *thought* one or both of the others wanted, that we didn't stop to think about what each of us wanted.
Anyway, circumstances conspired to make it clear that we were moving into an unhealthy space. It became obvious, to me anyway, that because Boyfriend #2 lives out of town and is not spectacularly communicative via phone/text, I was standing in for him with Girlfriend #2. I was providing emotional support and daily attention, and we'd reached a point where I was 'interpreting' our mutual boyfriend to her.
This did not make me feel loved or needed, except as a stand-in. Nor was it really helping her to feel closer to him. It merely prevented her from taking steps to improve her communication with him, because she could get some of what she needed from me. And of course, he had no idea what was going on with her half the time, unless I told him. Not healthy.
So I stopped doing it. I really meant to sit her down and discuss it with her, but somehow with the boyfriend not being in town for a while and my being less of a stand-in for him, we just didn't have the oomph to get together. Which made me sad. But it also made me understand fully that we weren't in a triad - we were in a V where we all just hung out together too much and weren't allowing the individual relationships room to grow.
So here we are. And it feels much better to me. I feel confident that their relationship is getting stronger, and so does Boyfriend #2. I don't know how she feels about it because I avoid discussing the relationship for now. When they have their own strength and I'm not horning in on that emotional space, hopefully we'll be able to discuss it as friends, and offer each other support from a different perspective. And of course I still want to play board games with her when we can all find time. She's interesting and funny and I enjoy her company.
My relationship with #2 is feeling really strong. This relationship is important to me, and after a year together I think we're both feeling maybe there's a future of some sort here. Now we get to do the exciting and terrifying work of figuring out what that might be.
More on change coming up soon... In the meantime, have a fabulous weekend everyone.
Today, let's cover point number one: I am no longer in a triad.
Now that I've said that, I'm not sure we ever were successfully in a triad. We kind of fell into it, partly because it was convenient and partly because we were all on a learning curve and being in it all together seemed to make it easier emotionally. I recently read Shelly's excellent piece on Family and Consent on More Than Two and it really got me thinking about how none of us actively consented to being in that triad. I don't think any of us were trying to be coercive. I think, rather, that we were all trying so hard to do what we *thought* one or both of the others wanted, that we didn't stop to think about what each of us wanted.
Anyway, circumstances conspired to make it clear that we were moving into an unhealthy space. It became obvious, to me anyway, that because Boyfriend #2 lives out of town and is not spectacularly communicative via phone/text, I was standing in for him with Girlfriend #2. I was providing emotional support and daily attention, and we'd reached a point where I was 'interpreting' our mutual boyfriend to her.
This did not make me feel loved or needed, except as a stand-in. Nor was it really helping her to feel closer to him. It merely prevented her from taking steps to improve her communication with him, because she could get some of what she needed from me. And of course, he had no idea what was going on with her half the time, unless I told him. Not healthy.
So I stopped doing it. I really meant to sit her down and discuss it with her, but somehow with the boyfriend not being in town for a while and my being less of a stand-in for him, we just didn't have the oomph to get together. Which made me sad. But it also made me understand fully that we weren't in a triad - we were in a V where we all just hung out together too much and weren't allowing the individual relationships room to grow.
So here we are. And it feels much better to me. I feel confident that their relationship is getting stronger, and so does Boyfriend #2. I don't know how she feels about it because I avoid discussing the relationship for now. When they have their own strength and I'm not horning in on that emotional space, hopefully we'll be able to discuss it as friends, and offer each other support from a different perspective. And of course I still want to play board games with her when we can all find time. She's interesting and funny and I enjoy her company.
My relationship with #2 is feeling really strong. This relationship is important to me, and after a year together I think we're both feeling maybe there's a future of some sort here. Now we get to do the exciting and terrifying work of figuring out what that might be.
More on change coming up soon... In the meantime, have a fabulous weekend everyone.
Tuesday 13 January 2015
Linky love for Franklin
Franklin is awesome. If you haven't read his blog yet, get on over there. Why don't you start with this really clear and fantastic article about why rules are not as great as they may sound...
Tuesday 6 January 2015
Poly with kids
My daughter had a friend over today. Her friend is a lovely girl a little older than her. When she got out of the car (we dropped her at home), my daughter said, "She was very nervous to meet you." I asked why, and pointed out how delightful and charming I am. Why would anyone be scared of me? "Well," said the daughter, "she's quite shy. But also she knows your friend who reads your blog and they have talked about polyamory. She's very interested in it."
Yikes. That was my immediate reaction. I quickly checked in that the friend is fine with this, and reminded my daughter that not everyone is as open-minded or smart as her friend. And that's pretty much the day-to-day. My kids are fine. They, like any other kids of divorced parents who get on reasonably well, would like if their father and I were still together. Aside from that, and understanding that we simply aren't going to get back together, they would just like us both to be happy. If we're happy, we're nicer to be around.
My daughter is at an age where the fact that I'm poly and bi makes me cool, rather than weird. I worry slightly that she'll make life choices based on coolness rather than considered thought. But then I think I've done my best to make sure can think for herself, and is brave enough to make choices that are right for her rather than what her parents want or society expects (which are not mutually exclusive but not necessarily always in step). My son tends to think I'm weird, but he, too, sees my choices as valid and acceptable.
As far as my children are concerned, my being poly means there are more people around who care about them, and about me, and provide us with support, love and plenty of fun. I am honest with them about my relationships, and about their ups and downs. I hope that they are learning that all relationships are different, and that there are ups and downs in all of them, and that these things can be dealt with. I hope that they are learning that we can't predict how our life is going to go, but we can be kind to ourselves and to others, and sometimes that takes us to interesting places. I don't know for sure. Parenting is quite a hit and miss affair most of the time. My kids seem nice. People seem to like them. So I guess it's going ok so far.
Practically, poly life is easier when the kids are away with their father part of the time. There's only so much time and energy in a day, and kids are demanding. I probably wouldn't be able to sustain the number of partners I have if the kids lived with me full-time. On the other hand, if I got my dream of having all my partners, and their partners, living together in one (really big) house, there'd be lots of people to fetch and carry and feed and entertain and otherwise help out with the kids...
And then there's the issue of being outed by your kids. Many poly folk I know live 'semi-out' at best. For many reasons, not least because it gets boring having to explain things to people all the time, I tend to not be out to the whole world. And, certainly, kids, especially young teens, can be wildly judgemental. My kids have already encountered backlash at declaring themselves atheists. I can imagine they'd get a lot worse if kids (and parents) knew their mom had several partners, not all of whom are guys. So we talk about keeping it quiet. Also, it's my private life. There's no need for all the kids at school to know about it. But still, things will happen. Some kid will be friends with someone I know who reads my blog and has mentioned it to them. That'll happen more as the kids get older. And that's ok. As they get older they have to start making life choices. And if their choices are better informed and they have more open minds about their options, and they know that whatever they do they should respect themselves and those they are involved with, then I've done my job well and I don't care who knows it.
My kids are awesome, and I have a great relationship with them. And their father is a remarkable man, who is happy to have them involved in my poly lifestyle as long as they know it's not the only option (which of course it isn't). I think everyone thinks their own kids are awesome. Whether they're emotionally and psychologically prepared to know about your being poly or about your sexuality depends on what you've taught them as they've grown up. And on how honest you are prepared to be with them. You've got to be straight with them. Don't beat around the bush. Obviously, I don't discuss my sex life with my kids, but if they ask me if I'm having sex with a particular partner, I'll tell them. If they ask me how to open a condom packet, I'll tell them that too. Wouldn't have told them that when they were seven, but they'll need to know if, if not now then within too few years. Condom packets can be surprisingly difficult to open, especially if you're nervous.
The caveats would be the same, I think, if I were mono: don't introduce someone new as your partner if you're not sure they're going to stick around. Don't put up with people who have no respect for your children or your relationship with them, no matter how cute they are. Don't force your children to spend time with someone they're ok with but don't have a great time with. And don't expect any of your partners to parent your children unless and until the relationship between the two of you is at a stage where that becomes part of your lives together.
Take it slow, be honest and everyone will be fine. Poly doesn't hurt kids. Bad relationships, of any stripe, do. But you knew that already.
Yikes. That was my immediate reaction. I quickly checked in that the friend is fine with this, and reminded my daughter that not everyone is as open-minded or smart as her friend. And that's pretty much the day-to-day. My kids are fine. They, like any other kids of divorced parents who get on reasonably well, would like if their father and I were still together. Aside from that, and understanding that we simply aren't going to get back together, they would just like us both to be happy. If we're happy, we're nicer to be around.
My daughter is at an age where the fact that I'm poly and bi makes me cool, rather than weird. I worry slightly that she'll make life choices based on coolness rather than considered thought. But then I think I've done my best to make sure can think for herself, and is brave enough to make choices that are right for her rather than what her parents want or society expects (which are not mutually exclusive but not necessarily always in step). My son tends to think I'm weird, but he, too, sees my choices as valid and acceptable.
As far as my children are concerned, my being poly means there are more people around who care about them, and about me, and provide us with support, love and plenty of fun. I am honest with them about my relationships, and about their ups and downs. I hope that they are learning that all relationships are different, and that there are ups and downs in all of them, and that these things can be dealt with. I hope that they are learning that we can't predict how our life is going to go, but we can be kind to ourselves and to others, and sometimes that takes us to interesting places. I don't know for sure. Parenting is quite a hit and miss affair most of the time. My kids seem nice. People seem to like them. So I guess it's going ok so far.
Practically, poly life is easier when the kids are away with their father part of the time. There's only so much time and energy in a day, and kids are demanding. I probably wouldn't be able to sustain the number of partners I have if the kids lived with me full-time. On the other hand, if I got my dream of having all my partners, and their partners, living together in one (really big) house, there'd be lots of people to fetch and carry and feed and entertain and otherwise help out with the kids...
And then there's the issue of being outed by your kids. Many poly folk I know live 'semi-out' at best. For many reasons, not least because it gets boring having to explain things to people all the time, I tend to not be out to the whole world. And, certainly, kids, especially young teens, can be wildly judgemental. My kids have already encountered backlash at declaring themselves atheists. I can imagine they'd get a lot worse if kids (and parents) knew their mom had several partners, not all of whom are guys. So we talk about keeping it quiet. Also, it's my private life. There's no need for all the kids at school to know about it. But still, things will happen. Some kid will be friends with someone I know who reads my blog and has mentioned it to them. That'll happen more as the kids get older. And that's ok. As they get older they have to start making life choices. And if their choices are better informed and they have more open minds about their options, and they know that whatever they do they should respect themselves and those they are involved with, then I've done my job well and I don't care who knows it.
My kids are awesome, and I have a great relationship with them. And their father is a remarkable man, who is happy to have them involved in my poly lifestyle as long as they know it's not the only option (which of course it isn't). I think everyone thinks their own kids are awesome. Whether they're emotionally and psychologically prepared to know about your being poly or about your sexuality depends on what you've taught them as they've grown up. And on how honest you are prepared to be with them. You've got to be straight with them. Don't beat around the bush. Obviously, I don't discuss my sex life with my kids, but if they ask me if I'm having sex with a particular partner, I'll tell them. If they ask me how to open a condom packet, I'll tell them that too. Wouldn't have told them that when they were seven, but they'll need to know if, if not now then within too few years. Condom packets can be surprisingly difficult to open, especially if you're nervous.
The caveats would be the same, I think, if I were mono: don't introduce someone new as your partner if you're not sure they're going to stick around. Don't put up with people who have no respect for your children or your relationship with them, no matter how cute they are. Don't force your children to spend time with someone they're ok with but don't have a great time with. And don't expect any of your partners to parent your children unless and until the relationship between the two of you is at a stage where that becomes part of your lives together.
Take it slow, be honest and everyone will be fine. Poly doesn't hurt kids. Bad relationships, of any stripe, do. But you knew that already.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)