This is a big topic, and just a short(ish) post thereon. As you know, I'm selectively out. I tend to speak quite openly around friends and am not scared to tell colleagues I'm poly if it comes up. (So far I've told two colleagues - I think the others just think I have a magical boyfriend who can be in several places at once and has a vast number of skills :) )
People have varying reactions. Some people are fine conceptually, then get really edgy when they have to deal with meeting an additional partner. Others ask lots of questions, seem a little uneasy, but manage to treat everyone with respect. You never can really tell. I try to be open to questions and to provide a reasonable amount of info when I introduce the concept. That usually helps.
My favourite thing, though, is this: Both boyfriends and I play a semi-regular role-playing game with a specific group of people. When we started, it was just me and Boyfriend #1. We were invited by a good friend of mine, who's known me for a long time and knows #1 pretty well. When #2 came into my world, and it turned out he loves RPGs, he joined us too.
We met all the other players in the context of the game. They'd seen me be affectionate with #1 on previous occasions. But it's not like we snog during game time. A couple of sessions after #2 joined us, #1 was away. I went to the game evening with #2 and we sat together and sometimes held hands or otherwise behaved in a couply way. Nobody so much as blinked.
Since then one or other of us has had to miss a session now and then, and the other two have generally gone along. Sometimes its me and one of the guys, sometimes the guys and not me. When everyone plays at my house, it's clear that the guys are both staying over.
Nobody has said a word. It's not like they're ignoring it. They just treat it as perfectly normal that I have two boyfriends and we hang out together and all play games together. They've never asked any questions (of me - maybe my old friend got the third degree and I just don't know). This weekend we had a dinner party and I was quite obviously affectionate to both the guys, plus I made a comment at some point about them both being my boyfriends. No blinks. Not a fuck is given by these people that we have an 'unusual' relationship arrangement. And I cannot tell you how very good that feels.
Maybe they're just odd people, maybe it's a nerd thing (yes, we're clearly a pretty nerdy bunch), maybe they're just mature and smart and figure the arrangements are none of their business.
Whatever, it's awesome.
Monday 23 February 2015
Sunday 8 February 2015
Poly Playdates & Focus
So that last post was about the focus problem, and how I was having trouble last week. Well, the remarkable girlfriend reminded me that when we're stretched a bit thin, the poly playdate can be a real lifesaver. Instead of trying to find space for kids and boyfriend and girlfriend (plus the social engagements we had this weekend), we all got together and made nachos and watched a fun movie. I had the very great pleasure of having most of the people I love and want to spend my time with all in the same room, laughing and eating and having a good evening, and I feel loved and rejuvenated. And excited to see Boyfriend #1, who is back this evening from his time away visiting with his parent.
Tuesday 3 February 2015
Focus... Tough one
Yoh! What a week it's turning out to be folks. And it's really brought home one of the toughest things (I think) to get right when you're in multiple relationships - focus. We talk a lot about time management, and balancing the actual time you spend with each of your partners. And we talk sometimes about the quality of that time. In fact, I noted in my recent blog post that one of the things I'm thinking about is how that quality might be different between an official 'date' and just time spent in the same space doing day-to-day things.
But then there's focus. If I'm on a date with Girlfriend #1, but I'm not paying full attention to her because my focus lies elsewhere, that ain't great. And it can be hard to switch focus. This week, I'm really struggling with that, because:
Boyfriend #1's parent is very ill. Scarily ill. This is painful and frightening for him, and he needs to feel supported and loved. He really doesn't need to be distracted by discussing our time management plans for February, and he really needs me to stay focused and there for him at any time. Because illness is not going to schedule itself around us.
But: Boyfriend #2 has just made some important life decisions and I'm committed to helping him, where needed, to implement those decisions. This also impacts on our future relationship, so now is a time when we're starting to work that stuff out.
And: As you know from yesterday's post, I've just embarked on this new journey with Girlfriend #1. It's important to me that we don't let things get in the way of this, and that she doesn't feel taken for granted because of our existing relationship.
And let's not forget there are teenage kids who need me to be focused on them and their needs, pretty much all the time. Oh, and the new job, where I'm still learning and developing.
Luckily for me, all of my partners are amazing, and they understand what's going on and are being immensely supportive. That doesn't change that I'm feeling a bit whacked with a sandbag. It's tough, because my instinct is to be there for everyone, and not let anyone feel that they are not getting enough focus. I have to reign that in. I know what's most important is to communicate with everyone, and to do what I can, when I can. And to look after myself too, so I don't crash emotionally just when, potentially, I'm most needed.
Not all moonlight and roses, readers. But this is what I signed up for. I *want* these relationships to be deep and stable and the kind where we can rely on each other in times of crisis. I *want* to find that balance of time and focus that makes us all feel safe. So it's onward and upward. With extra vitamins and no tv, because sleep is definitely needed.
But then there's focus. If I'm on a date with Girlfriend #1, but I'm not paying full attention to her because my focus lies elsewhere, that ain't great. And it can be hard to switch focus. This week, I'm really struggling with that, because:
Boyfriend #1's parent is very ill. Scarily ill. This is painful and frightening for him, and he needs to feel supported and loved. He really doesn't need to be distracted by discussing our time management plans for February, and he really needs me to stay focused and there for him at any time. Because illness is not going to schedule itself around us.
But: Boyfriend #2 has just made some important life decisions and I'm committed to helping him, where needed, to implement those decisions. This also impacts on our future relationship, so now is a time when we're starting to work that stuff out.
And: As you know from yesterday's post, I've just embarked on this new journey with Girlfriend #1. It's important to me that we don't let things get in the way of this, and that she doesn't feel taken for granted because of our existing relationship.
And let's not forget there are teenage kids who need me to be focused on them and their needs, pretty much all the time. Oh, and the new job, where I'm still learning and developing.
Luckily for me, all of my partners are amazing, and they understand what's going on and are being immensely supportive. That doesn't change that I'm feeling a bit whacked with a sandbag. It's tough, because my instinct is to be there for everyone, and not let anyone feel that they are not getting enough focus. I have to reign that in. I know what's most important is to communicate with everyone, and to do what I can, when I can. And to look after myself too, so I don't crash emotionally just when, potentially, I'm most needed.
Not all moonlight and roses, readers. But this is what I signed up for. I *want* these relationships to be deep and stable and the kind where we can rely on each other in times of crisis. I *want* to find that balance of time and focus that makes us all feel safe. So it's onward and upward. With extra vitamins and no tv, because sleep is definitely needed.
Monday 2 February 2015
Girlfriend #1 and the Year of Making Things Happen
Y'all know I have this girlfriend with whom I have had a loving and marvelous relationship for some years now. I've also mentioned that this has been a non-sexual relationship. By which I don't mean we haven't snogged, or felt each other up, or reasonably often had the desire to do all sorts of delicious things to each other. We just didn't have the time or space to make that happen without it becoming an effort for both of us.
Well, so now we're making the effort. <yeah, I'm smiling.>
We started talking a few months ago, about this bit where we don't have a sexual relationship, and most people who know us see us as besties rather than girlfriends. And both of us were quite clear in our heads that we feel other than, more than, different than besties. Sex or no sex, dates or no dates, our attachment has always been romantic, loving, committed in a way is more like a love relationship than a bestie friendship.
And then she suggested maybe we do this proper-like. Regular date nights, a more physical relationship. She talked it over with her boyfriend and he agreed to it. In fact, he's been very supportive, and I'm really liking how my relationship with him is also growing.
So now we have weekly dates, and we kiss a lot, and it's pretty damn sexy. And I'm scared as hell. What if we disturb our nice, neat status quo and it turns out to be more difficult than we thought and it changes us? What if I'm just not enough fun in bed? What if what if what if? This relationship is so very important to me, and is so much a part of my life, that I really really don't want to lose it.
But man, it's so awesome to spend time with her, exactly the same way we always have, but know that this relationship now has space to grow, to include whatever we want it to include, to teach us both things, to have time together that is dedicated to our relationship. And sleepovers. And sex. And I don't even know what else... a future. If we get this right, we get to imagine our future together, with all of the fun stuff I just listed.
And I'm here to tell you, my girlfriend is a freaking gorgeous woman. And smart, and funny and incredibly elegant. Being out with her makes me want to yell "Check out my seriously hot girlfriend", but I don't need to, because everyone is already checking her out. Call me superficial all you like, I enjoy that.
Wish us luck, readers. We have this whole year of change ahead, and this part is a really great part.
Well, so now we're making the effort. <yeah, I'm smiling.>
We started talking a few months ago, about this bit where we don't have a sexual relationship, and most people who know us see us as besties rather than girlfriends. And both of us were quite clear in our heads that we feel other than, more than, different than besties. Sex or no sex, dates or no dates, our attachment has always been romantic, loving, committed in a way is more like a love relationship than a bestie friendship.
And then she suggested maybe we do this proper-like. Regular date nights, a more physical relationship. She talked it over with her boyfriend and he agreed to it. In fact, he's been very supportive, and I'm really liking how my relationship with him is also growing.
So now we have weekly dates, and we kiss a lot, and it's pretty damn sexy. And I'm scared as hell. What if we disturb our nice, neat status quo and it turns out to be more difficult than we thought and it changes us? What if I'm just not enough fun in bed? What if what if what if? This relationship is so very important to me, and is so much a part of my life, that I really really don't want to lose it.
But man, it's so awesome to spend time with her, exactly the same way we always have, but know that this relationship now has space to grow, to include whatever we want it to include, to teach us both things, to have time together that is dedicated to our relationship. And sleepovers. And sex. And I don't even know what else... a future. If we get this right, we get to imagine our future together, with all of the fun stuff I just listed.
And I'm here to tell you, my girlfriend is a freaking gorgeous woman. And smart, and funny and incredibly elegant. Being out with her makes me want to yell "Check out my seriously hot girlfriend", but I don't need to, because everyone is already checking her out. Call me superficial all you like, I enjoy that.
Wish us luck, readers. We have this whole year of change ahead, and this part is a really great part.
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