I'm excited today. I haven't seen boyfriend #2 for quite a while. I think it's probably only been a month, but it feels very long. I'm used to not seeing him during the week, but seeing him every weekend. He has had another friend visiting, and there was some romantic potential. When he told us she was coming, we all thought we'd get to meet her, and also to see him, while she was here. It didn't work out that way. So it's been a while, and today he is coming to visit.
I have missed him terribly, and at the same time it's been fine. I've been frustrated, because I know there's lots going on around this visit, which he doesn't communicate because he really can only talk about important things in person. Texting is just too alien for him when it comes to personal stuff. And at the same time that's been fine. For some days, when she first arrived, he didn't communicate at all. That wasn't really fine. Mostly because I'm deeply paranoid and require proof of life at least every 48 hours or my brain concocts dreadful car accidents or mysterious sudden illnesses. Also because #2 knows this, and knows that girlfriend #2 and I need a little acknowledgement from time to time. But then he came back online, and since then he's been pretty good about responding to messages. And sensitive and caring in his responses.
I've missed him a lot, but I don't feel like a part of me is missing. And that is a really good thing. We're so ingrained to feel that a lover or partner fills some missing piece of our personal jigsaw that often we don't feel whole unless we're with that person. Now, there's something to be said for partners who balance you, or help you fill in your own blanks in some way. It's something I like in my partners - between them they make me more of the person I am, and want to be. But if you're relying on one person to complete you in some way, you're going to come short. All of us are wandering this world feeling like there are pieces missing. It's simply the way of life. Nobody can fill your missing pieces except you. And it is much, much easier to live the poly lifestyle if you understand that.
I am not responsible for my partners' happiness. I am responsible for ensuring that I don't hurt them, or cause them unhappiness. I am responsible for keeping promises to be there for them if they need me, in happiness or unhappiness. But their happiness, and finding their missing pieces, is up to them. I can't save them from the world. And they can't save me. We can hold hands, though, and that feels really good.
Wednesday 17 December 2014
Monday 15 December 2014
On jealousy
Jealousy. Oh boy. You know what made me jealous? Boyfriend #1 told me he'd discussed the decorating of his new house with his PNG. They had their first date. I wasn't jealous on or after the date, though I was having a slight personal meltdown and the time would have theoretically been very ripe for jealousy. I wasn't jealous when he told me what a lovely time he'd had, or how much he really does like her. I wasn't jealous when he told me that he hopes she's keen to take that P out of Potential New Girlfriend. (Not to make it Otential. Don't be silly, reader. <wink>) No. I got jealous when he told me, during a conversation about his new house, that he'd chatted to her about paint colour. I mean... Good grief. Plus, she's actually qualified to talk about interior design, so her opinion is actually valuable. It would be valuable anyway - she's very creative and has an eye for colour.
Yes, I do have a point. The point is that you don't know what's going to make you jealous. And it's usually not one of the obvious things. Most people assume they'll get jealous of a partner doing intimate physical things with someone else. Many people do experience that jealousy. Me, I'm weird about domesticity. I once got really pissed at a girl who was only just showing interest in #1, because she put his wallet and phone in her bag when we were all out somewhere. I always used to put it in my bag (still do - the man just will not get a bag of his own).
What you can do, and what I did, is look at what just happened when you had that spike of jealousy. What spiked it? Was it the tone of your partner's voice, the circumstances in which the spike occurred, or a reaction that is purely internal to you? Now, when I say that - jealousy pretty much is an internal thing. By and large, your partner is not doing things intentionally to make you jealous. If they are, it's time for a serious chat and possibly a relook at the relationship, because that kind of behaviour is toxic. So, assuming they're not, they're simply proceeding with other relationships that you are aware of, and presumably sticking to the agreements that you've both made around those relationships. If you have a jealousy spike, it's probably something in you. I hope you're following. I may be meandering.
When I got all freaky about the paint colour comment, I immediately recognised that as something not at all to do with #1 or PNG. It was to do with me. I'm ashamed to say I did not bite back the sarcastic comment that my jealousy brought straight out. But I did apologise immediately, and tell #1 what was going on. Then I thought about it a little, and we chatted. Obviously, it's that domesticity thing. I feel threatened when another relationship seems to be intervening in my personal space. Which is kind of hilarious, because I'm one of the few people I know who is completely happy to let my partners share my bed with other partners, even when I'm not there. That's a pretty personal space, let me tell you. Plus I'm a pretty dominant person, and nowhere more so than in my home. Even if I'm sharing that home with someone else. Domestic space is my refuge, and I need to feel very safe in it if I'm to get any r&r.
Oversharing makes my blog posts very long. I hope my point is coming across. I'm still working out what other points may create jealousy spikes for me, but now I'm even more aware that the home space, and certain other domestic, 'coupley' things, are important for me. Being aware of that means I can communicate it more effectively to my partners, and their partners, if necessary. Oh, I don't need to sit the lovely new girl down and chat with her about my weirdness. I just mean that I now know I can say to her 'Hey, I heard you have some nice ideas for the house. It's a bit weird for me because I'm oddly jealous about that kind of stuff, but actually I do really want to hear what you think.' And I'll mean it. I do want to hear it. And I probably won't get jealous at all. Because the thing about jealousy is, it's a monster under the bed. And when you switch the lights on, it turns out to be a dust bunny.
Yes, I do have a point. The point is that you don't know what's going to make you jealous. And it's usually not one of the obvious things. Most people assume they'll get jealous of a partner doing intimate physical things with someone else. Many people do experience that jealousy. Me, I'm weird about domesticity. I once got really pissed at a girl who was only just showing interest in #1, because she put his wallet and phone in her bag when we were all out somewhere. I always used to put it in my bag (still do - the man just will not get a bag of his own).
What you can do, and what I did, is look at what just happened when you had that spike of jealousy. What spiked it? Was it the tone of your partner's voice, the circumstances in which the spike occurred, or a reaction that is purely internal to you? Now, when I say that - jealousy pretty much is an internal thing. By and large, your partner is not doing things intentionally to make you jealous. If they are, it's time for a serious chat and possibly a relook at the relationship, because that kind of behaviour is toxic. So, assuming they're not, they're simply proceeding with other relationships that you are aware of, and presumably sticking to the agreements that you've both made around those relationships. If you have a jealousy spike, it's probably something in you. I hope you're following. I may be meandering.
When I got all freaky about the paint colour comment, I immediately recognised that as something not at all to do with #1 or PNG. It was to do with me. I'm ashamed to say I did not bite back the sarcastic comment that my jealousy brought straight out. But I did apologise immediately, and tell #1 what was going on. Then I thought about it a little, and we chatted. Obviously, it's that domesticity thing. I feel threatened when another relationship seems to be intervening in my personal space. Which is kind of hilarious, because I'm one of the few people I know who is completely happy to let my partners share my bed with other partners, even when I'm not there. That's a pretty personal space, let me tell you. Plus I'm a pretty dominant person, and nowhere more so than in my home. Even if I'm sharing that home with someone else. Domestic space is my refuge, and I need to feel very safe in it if I'm to get any r&r.
Oversharing makes my blog posts very long. I hope my point is coming across. I'm still working out what other points may create jealousy spikes for me, but now I'm even more aware that the home space, and certain other domestic, 'coupley' things, are important for me. Being aware of that means I can communicate it more effectively to my partners, and their partners, if necessary. Oh, I don't need to sit the lovely new girl down and chat with her about my weirdness. I just mean that I now know I can say to her 'Hey, I heard you have some nice ideas for the house. It's a bit weird for me because I'm oddly jealous about that kind of stuff, but actually I do really want to hear what you think.' And I'll mean it. I do want to hear it. And I probably won't get jealous at all. Because the thing about jealousy is, it's a monster under the bed. And when you switch the lights on, it turns out to be a dust bunny.
Thursday 11 December 2014
Buzzed
So this is a superquick post because it's late on a school night and a girl needs her sleep, but it's been a while since I've posted (busy season, and stuff... more on which when I have a moment, soon) and also something I need to say right now...
I hope you all have at least once in your lives had that feeling where you've been in love with or loved someone for some time and then, sometimes just out of the blue or sometimes because of things that are happening, you can actually feel yourself fall for them more. Like you're exploding suddenly with love for this amazing creature. I love those moments. And, here's the thing, my sweet and patient readers: I hit a triple plus. Boyfriend #1 and I are making some big decisions and having changes in our relationship. And, boy, am I surging with love for him. Girlfriend #1 and I are going to new places, together and in our own lives (which, because we are so much support and sounding board for each other, we also share in). And, boy, am I crazy for that incredible woman. Boyfriend #2 is going through a difficult time, but has shown love and care that I am feeling so good about. And, boy, do I love that strange and marvellous man. And, actually, girlfriend #2 is making me so proud - she's dealing with a difficult transition period into a new job while her primary partner is away over the festive season, and she's so on top of her shit. I haven't seen her in quite a while, and I miss her. So call it a quadruple.
So yeah, this post is just all about how much I freakin' love these amazing, interesting, beautiful, challenging people that I've chosen to have in my life. I'm past the eyeballs with lovelylovelovey feelings here, and it's awesome.
Back soon with posts that are less full of unicornfairycandyfloss. G'night.
I hope you all have at least once in your lives had that feeling where you've been in love with or loved someone for some time and then, sometimes just out of the blue or sometimes because of things that are happening, you can actually feel yourself fall for them more. Like you're exploding suddenly with love for this amazing creature. I love those moments. And, here's the thing, my sweet and patient readers: I hit a triple plus. Boyfriend #1 and I are making some big decisions and having changes in our relationship. And, boy, am I surging with love for him. Girlfriend #1 and I are going to new places, together and in our own lives (which, because we are so much support and sounding board for each other, we also share in). And, boy, am I crazy for that incredible woman. Boyfriend #2 is going through a difficult time, but has shown love and care that I am feeling so good about. And, boy, do I love that strange and marvellous man. And, actually, girlfriend #2 is making me so proud - she's dealing with a difficult transition period into a new job while her primary partner is away over the festive season, and she's so on top of her shit. I haven't seen her in quite a while, and I miss her. So call it a quadruple.
So yeah, this post is just all about how much I freakin' love these amazing, interesting, beautiful, challenging people that I've chosen to have in my life. I'm past the eyeballs with lovelylovelovey feelings here, and it's awesome.
Back soon with posts that are less full of unicornfairycandyfloss. G'night.
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