NOTE: I'm holding this post at the top because it's kind of the intro. All posts after this one appear in reverse order of posting (i.e. most recent first).
I should have kept a journal. I didn’t, obviously. I began to understand my poly nature some five years ago. I found support and help online from many sites and forums, for which I am eternally grateful. I found friends and, ultimately, lovers, in an excellent local support group. My marriage ended, and my secondary partner became my primary. I believed for some time that I had found my loves and had not the space for more. It is my own nature to be best at relationships with those I love. I am a good friend, I believe, and I enjoy having friends who are also occasional playmates, but, while being poly, with poly partners, facilitates this, it is not what poly is for me. I am of the kind who wants the depth of knowing my partner’s sleep patterns, favourite sloppy jersey and the mannerisms they hide until you’re as comfortable to them as that sloppy jersey. I want family.
I should have kept a journal. I didn’t, obviously. I began to understand my poly nature some five years ago. I found support and help online from many sites and forums, for which I am eternally grateful. I found friends and, ultimately, lovers, in an excellent local support group. My marriage ended, and my secondary partner became my primary. I believed for some time that I had found my loves and had not the space for more. It is my own nature to be best at relationships with those I love. I am a good friend, I believe, and I enjoy having friends who are also occasional playmates, but, while being poly, with poly partners, facilitates this, it is not what poly is for me. I am of the kind who wants the depth of knowing my partner’s sleep patterns, favourite sloppy jersey and the mannerisms they hide until you’re as comfortable to them as that sloppy jersey. I want family.
I was married for twelve years. Am still married as at this writing, as our two-year separation hasn’t yet quite culminated in the divorce (though that is very much in process). I have been with my current primary boyfriend for about four years, with my girlfriend for around five years, and with my other boyfriend for about 8 or 9 months. I have another girlfriend, as I am in a triad with boyfriend number 2 and the girl he met just before I met him. I am out to my children (as poly and bi), to most of my friends, to my brother but not to my parents. And yes, my marriage dissolved not entirely as a result of but certainly in relation to my being poly. And yes, that hurts. Because I still do very much love my husband, and I do often wish I were not poly, so that I could be with him.
As I said, I found much information, support and help from online and local sources. I also found, and increasingly find, that not all of the information makes sense to me. Or perhaps it’s that the things I am concerned about are not covered. Or perhaps it’s that a lot of the online poly support is coming from the States, and I am in another country where we are a little different in our approach. Or something. And so I thought perhaps if I ramble away online a bit, someone, somewhere, may find these ramblings of use. I hope you do. I hope some of it may be of use even if you are not poly. Relationships are relationships, whether you do one at a time or many. Poly simply requires of us more communication and self-examination, which allows us to more clearly formulate our thoughts on those relationships.
Do you have any advise on how to deal with New relationship energy. This weird endorphin-fueled altered state that you have to deal with while still trying to be functional at work, not day dreaming all day as well as giving the lovers who have been around for longer the appropriate amount of attention.
ReplyDeleteThanks for asking. I actually have so much to say on this topic that I promise it'll be the subject of my next post. In the meantime, the Will Wheaton rule stands: Try not to be a dick. I say that with love. Respect yourself, your new partner and your existing partners. This new relationship may be awesome, but it's new, and it's going to develop and change. Try to relax a bit and let that happen. And if I've learned anything, it's: old partners (even totally awesome ones who have no jealousy or insecurity issues) can only hear how awesome the new person is roughly three times. After that, information is good, but gushing is bad. Oh, and if your old partner(s) don't like the new person, listen to them. They don't have NRE. They can see properly.
ReplyDeleteHi there, thank you for your blog post. I am deeply troubled as suspect I may be emerging as poly. It is a terrifying journey for me and I'm not sure if I am or am not poly. Can you suggest a safe space / group to talk about this, please? Somewhere that I can go or someone that can guide me in this to discover what is going on with me?
ReplyDeleteThank you
Hi there. There's really no need to be afraid. Maybe it'll work out for you. Maybe it won't. Either way, you'll learn a lot of really important and awesome stuff about yourself and what's important to you in relationships. You're going to be fine. Check out www.polyamory.co.za for support groups around South Africa, and you'll find a list there of really great online resources.
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