Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Ok, the big question ... am I getting it a lot?

Someone asked if I was getting a lot of sex. What, with all the partners. Fairly obvious question, and I do get asked it a lot in person. Again, this is going to be one of those things that's probably peculiar to me (and my set of relationships), and so you shouldn't apply it to all poly people. That said, I think I can generalise with this statement: If you're a person with a high sex drive, you're going to have a fair amount of sex as long as you have at least one partner (or, actually, a lot of selfiesex if you don't currently have a partner, so it still applies). The number of partners doesn't necessarily increase the amount of sex you're going to have.

Crucial point here: polyamory, at least in my understanding of it, means multiple relationships. And relationships are about a whole bunch of things. Including, but not limited to, sex. I don't think it's possible to have a romantic relationship with someone and not want to do delicious things to and with them. The joy of being polyamorous is that you generally can. However, I have two relationships in which no sex is currently on the cards. One because he lives very far away and has a monogamous wife (whose wonderful attitude towards our relationship doesn't yet stretch to sex and I'm totally supportive of that). The other because ... hmmm ... I'm not actually sure. We used to play around. Then we didn't. Now we could, but we don't. But she sends me the most unbelievably gorgeous naked pics of herself and certainly we will, one day. Maybe we're just building up. (Yeah, I'm totally sitting here smiling to myself thinking about how awesome that is going to be....)

Ok, back to the point... I have sex probably about as often as I would if I were in only one relationship. Sometimes sexy time is with more than one person. I have that opportunity possibly slightly more regularly than your average monogamous person would. <smile> But I have a life that's pretty busy, and so do my partners. Oftentimes we're just happy we could find time to hang out together, and sleep together. Sleeping with my loves (like, sleepy chat in bed, then falling asleep holding each other, and holding each other in that semi-wakeup time in the morning) is something I really love. Girlfriend #2 gets the prize for always being the one who gets up and brings us coffee in bed. That bit is awesome. But sleepovers don't happen all the time. So, we have to find time without kids, without other commitments, when we're not exhausted (though there's something to be said for surprise exhausted sexy time, doncha think?). If I don't get sexy time with each of the boys on a semi-regular basis, I make sure it happens. That's possible because I get sleepover time with each of them at least once a week, even on superbusy weeks. The girls, it's harder because sleepovers are less common.

It's possible to have days where I could have sex with three different people on the same day. I try to maintain a rule of 'one a day' (unless, obvs, it's group playtime). That doesn't allllwaaays work out... But it's a rule that helps me to keep a check on myself, and make sure I'm respecting everyone. I also change my sheets between partners, even if it means changing them daily for a few days, or twice in one day.

There's a caveat here, also. I happen to have partners who are incredibly sexy people. There's no 'it's Monday so it's missionary' in my life. Sexy time means (usually) an hour or more of delicious play. Or repeated play over the course of an evening that may also include dinner or going out or whatever. Does that count as more sex? Maybe. What I can say is that being poly means I get to have different experiences with each of my partners. Every sexual relationship is different, just as every relationship is itself different. One of my partners may enjoy something another may find less interesting. I can learn new things about what I enjoy from each of them. Because I maintain a policy of complete honesty, all of them know about the kinds of things I like and the kinds of things I do with the others. And I get to hear if they have discovered something new or tried something fun with each other.

So: yes, I'm getting it a lot. Just not stupendously more than any other person who likes sex and has a sexy partner. And is it fun? Hells yeah.

No comments:

Post a comment

Please feel free to ask questions or suggest topics. I cannot promise my answers will be useful, but I can promise to try.