Moving on in

Continuing with the changes in my life: in a few months, I will be moving in with Boyfriend #1. In many ways, this is simply a practical choice. We've found that it's frankly a pain in the ass for us to keep travelling back and forth to each other's houses. It cuts into our time. When we have tasks we need to do at our respective homes, we have to fit them around the times that we're spending out of those homes, and the time that the other one is in our home. Though we've been together so long, we still tend to spend our time together sitting chatting (or, yes, in bed). So, two to four nights a week and often at least one weekend afternoon, neither of us can get anything done because we want to be in the same space and that means, essentially, a date.

That's a big chunk of our time. And with being poly already requiring a certain amount of time-management, it gets silly. Now that we both have other partners, we realised we either have to give up some of our evenings together to fit in other dates *and* household errands (not to mention that both of us actually require alone time to recharge), or come to a better arrangement.

So, we move in together. This raises all sorts of questions about whether he will be, or actually already is, my "primary".

I dislike the terms "primary" and "secondary". I dislike the idea of hierarchical relationships. And I know, both philosophically and because I've lived through it, that relationships are prone to change.

Sometimes small change - patterns and habits developed over years are disrupted for many reasons. For example, a partner who once worked from home and was always available may get an office job and the dynamic changes. Emotionally, relationships ebb and wane to some degree. We go through periods of wanting to be together every free moment, and periods of being quite content to see one another a couple of times a week (still loving one another, just having other things we're concentrating on, and secure in the knowledge that this ebb and wane is natural and will ebb, or wane, again).

And big change happens. When #1 and I got together, I lived with my husband and children and we believed (#1 and I) that we would never live together, probably never even be able to go away on holiday as a couple. Sometimes people have to move for work, or switch from flexi-hours to working long hours that make them tired and unavailable for long periods.

Are we supposed, in times like that, to hold "secondary" partners at arms length? Are we supposed, during a waning period in one relationship, to artificially induce or hold back an ebb in another relationship so as to give one the "upper hand"? It's silly.

That said, Boyfriend #2 and I have been discussing this. We like to talk semantics. He's rather opinionated on the use of inappropriately generalised or unusefully specific terms, and both of us feel it hampers much of the material available for poly support. Yet there aren't 'better' ways to describe things, at this point. Which doesn't mean that terms like 'primary' and 'secondary' should remain in use. Merely that we need to work harder to describe the differences in relationships that occur in the poly lifestyle. And, because of course every relationship, and every set of relationships, will have its own quirks, restrictions, experiences, that's a pretty hard task.

So, here are some questions I'll be exploring over the coming while:

1. Can we really say "I love you all equally"? Does it make sense in the context of length of relationship, time spent together, and that quality of familiarity and comfort that comes from the combination of the above?
2. How do we describe the difference between a relationship that is still growing and evolving rapidly (as happens in the first year or two, say) and a relationship that is long-standing and stable, without reverting to hierarchic terminology?
3. How do we describe the difference between the relationship I have with the partner with whom I share my most private space (a master bedroom) and the partner with whom I spend a lot of time, including some nights of the week, but with whom I do not officially share that private space?
4. How do we describe the difference between either of those two and the relationship I have with the partner who is also a major part of my family but who lives elsewhere with another partner with whom she shares her most private space?
5. How do we decide, whether we are in or out of the poly closet (though in the case of out it's slightly easier), which of those partners attends work and family functions?
6. How do we ascertain, or examine, the difference in quality of time spent with partners who have official 'date nights' and the partner with whom we share the day-to-day comforts of a long-term live-in relationship? How do we value both?
7. How do we make decisions, if we want to make a family, about who should be included in the living arrangements and how they are included?
8. How do our partners' other partners, existing and possible future, fit into these arrangements? 
9. And, so very much not least, is it extremely important to work all this stuff out? And if we even work it out to some degree, isn't it likely to evolve, just as our relationships evolve?

Next in my current blogging spree: Girlfriend #1-and-only and the year of making it happen.

All change

So there's a *lot* going on around here. It's been going on for a while but I wasn't ready to talk about all of it just yet. And I'm sorry that I haven't been posting as often as I should, but part of the change was that I started a new job. I moved from being essentially a 'cut and paster' back into doing the stuff I love best - writing and working online. I hate calling myself a marketer or a social media expert, but it's stuff I'm good at, and when I get to do it for a company I really like, it's awesome fun. And I *love* my new job. It's a fantastic environment and a brand I can really get into. More on that at a later stage though.

Today, let's cover point number one: I am no longer in a triad.

Now that I've said that, I'm not sure we ever were successfully in a triad. We kind of fell into it, partly because it was convenient and partly because we were all on a learning curve and being in it all together seemed to make it easier emotionally. I recently read Shelly's excellent piece on Family and Consent on More Than Two and it really got me thinking about how none of us actively consented to being in that triad. I don't think any of us were trying to be coercive. I think, rather, that we were all trying so hard to do what we *thought* one or both of the others wanted, that we didn't stop to think about what each of us wanted.

Anyway, circumstances conspired to make it clear that we were moving into an unhealthy space. It became obvious, to me anyway, that because Boyfriend #2 lives out of town and is not spectacularly communicative via phone/text, I was standing in for him with Girlfriend #2. I was providing emotional support and daily attention, and we'd reached a point where I was 'interpreting' our mutual boyfriend to her.

This did not make me feel loved or needed, except as a stand-in. Nor was it really helping her to feel closer to him. It merely prevented her from taking steps to improve her communication with him, because she could get some of what she needed from me. And of course, he had no idea what was going on with her half the time, unless I told him. Not healthy.

So I stopped doing it. I really meant to sit her down and discuss it with her, but somehow with the boyfriend not being in town for a while and my being less of a stand-in for him, we just didn't have the oomph to get together. Which made me sad. But it also made me understand fully that we weren't in a triad - we were in a V where we all just hung out together too much and weren't allowing the individual relationships room to grow.

So here we are. And it feels much better to me. I feel confident that their relationship is getting stronger, and so does Boyfriend #2. I don't know how she feels about it because I avoid discussing the relationship for now. When they have their own strength and I'm not horning in on that emotional space, hopefully we'll be able to discuss it as friends, and offer each other support from a different perspective. And of course I still want to play board games with her when we can all find time. She's interesting and funny and I enjoy her company.

My relationship with #2 is feeling really strong. This relationship is important to me, and after a year together I think we're both feeling maybe there's a future of some sort here. Now we get to do the exciting and terrifying work of figuring out what that might be.

More on change coming up soon... In the meantime, have a fabulous weekend everyone.

Linky love for Franklin

Franklin is awesome. If you haven't read his blog yet, get on over there. Why don't you start with this really clear and fantastic article about why rules are not as great as they may sound...

Poly with kids

My daughter had a friend over today. Her friend is a lovely girl a little older than her. When she got out of the car (we dropped her at home), my daughter said, "She was very nervous to meet you." I asked why, and pointed out how delightful and charming I am. Why would anyone be scared of me? "Well," said the daughter, "she's quite shy. But also she knows your friend who reads your blog and they have talked about polyamory. She's very interested in it."

Yikes. That was my immediate reaction. I quickly checked in that the friend is fine with this, and reminded my daughter that not everyone is as open-minded or smart as her friend. And that's pretty much the day-to-day. My kids are fine. They, like any other kids of divorced parents who get on reasonably well, would like if their father and I were still together. Aside from that, and understanding that we simply aren't going to get back together, they would just like us both to be happy. If we're happy, we're nicer to be around.

My daughter is at an age where the fact that I'm poly and bi makes me cool, rather than weird. I worry slightly that she'll make life choices based on coolness rather than considered thought. But then I think I've done my best to make sure can think for herself, and is brave enough to make choices that are right for her rather than what her parents want or society expects (which are not mutually exclusive but not necessarily always in step). My son tends to think I'm weird, but he, too, sees my choices as valid and acceptable.

As far as my children are concerned, my being poly means there are more people around who care about them, and about me, and provide us with support, love and plenty of fun. I am honest with them about my relationships, and about their ups and downs. I hope that they are learning that all relationships are different, and that there are ups and downs in all of them, and that these things can be dealt with. I hope that they are learning that we can't predict how our life is going to go, but we can be kind to ourselves and to others, and sometimes that takes us to interesting places. I don't know for sure. Parenting is quite a hit and miss affair most of the time. My kids seem nice. People seem to like them. So I guess it's going ok so far.

Practically, poly life is easier when the kids are away with their father part of the time. There's only so much time and energy in a day, and kids are demanding. I probably wouldn't be able to sustain the number of partners I have if the kids lived with me full-time. On the other hand, if I got my dream of having all my partners, and their partners, living together in one (really big) house, there'd be lots of people to fetch and carry and feed and entertain and otherwise help out with the kids...

And then there's the issue of being outed by your kids. Many poly folk I know live 'semi-out' at best. For many reasons, not least because it gets boring having to explain things to people all the time, I tend to not be out to the whole world. And, certainly, kids, especially young teens, can be wildly judgemental. My kids have already encountered backlash at declaring themselves atheists. I can imagine they'd get a lot worse if kids (and parents) knew their mom had several partners, not all of whom are guys. So we talk about keeping it quiet. Also, it's my private life. There's no need for all the kids at school to know about it. But still, things will happen. Some kid will be friends with someone I know who reads my blog and has mentioned it to them. That'll happen more as the kids get older. And that's ok. As they get older they have to start making life choices. And if their choices are better informed and they have more open minds about their options, and they know that whatever they do they should respect themselves and those they are involved with, then I've done my job well and I don't care who knows it.

My kids are awesome, and I have a great relationship with them. And their father is a remarkable man, who is happy to have them involved in my poly lifestyle as long as they know it's not the only option (which of course it isn't). I think everyone thinks their own kids are awesome. Whether they're emotionally and psychologically prepared to know about your being poly or about your sexuality depends on what you've taught them as they've grown up. And on how honest you are prepared to be with them. You've got to be straight with them. Don't beat around the bush. Obviously, I don't discuss my sex life with my kids, but if they ask me if I'm having sex with a particular partner, I'll tell them. If they ask me how to open a condom packet, I'll tell them that too. Wouldn't have told them that when they were seven, but they'll need to know if, if not now then within too few years. Condom packets can be surprisingly difficult to open, especially if you're nervous.

The caveats would be the same, I think, if I were mono: don't introduce someone new as your partner if you're not sure they're going to stick around. Don't put up with people who have no respect for your children or your relationship with them, no matter how cute they are. Don't force your children to spend time with someone they're ok with but don't have a great time with. And don't expect any of your partners to parent your children unless and until the relationship between the two of you is at a stage where that becomes part of your lives together.

Take it slow, be honest and everyone will be fine. Poly doesn't hurt kids. Bad relationships, of any stripe, do. But you knew that already.