Friday, 30 January 2015

All change

So there's a *lot* going on around here. It's been going on for a while but I wasn't ready to talk about all of it just yet. And I'm sorry that I haven't been posting as often as I should, but part of the change was that I started a new job. I moved from being essentially a 'cut and paster' back into doing the stuff I love best - writing and working online. I hate calling myself a marketer or a social media expert, but it's stuff I'm good at, and when I get to do it for a company I really like, it's awesome fun. And I *love* my new job. It's a fantastic environment and a brand I can really get into. More on that at a later stage though.

Today, let's cover point number one: I am no longer in a triad.

Now that I've said that, I'm not sure we ever were successfully in a triad. We kind of fell into it, partly because it was convenient and partly because we were all on a learning curve and being in it all together seemed to make it easier emotionally. I recently read Shelly's excellent piece on Family and Consent on More Than Two and it really got me thinking about how none of us actively consented to being in that triad. I don't think any of us were trying to be coercive. I think, rather, that we were all trying so hard to do what we *thought* one or both of the others wanted, that we didn't stop to think about what each of us wanted.

Anyway, circumstances conspired to make it clear that we were moving into an unhealthy space. It became obvious, to me anyway, that because Boyfriend #2 lives out of town and is not spectacularly communicative via phone/text, I was standing in for him with Girlfriend #2. I was providing emotional support and daily attention, and we'd reached a point where I was 'interpreting' our mutual boyfriend to her.

This did not make me feel loved or needed, except as a stand-in. Nor was it really helping her to feel closer to him. It merely prevented her from taking steps to improve her communication with him, because she could get some of what she needed from me. And of course, he had no idea what was going on with her half the time, unless I told him. Not healthy.

So I stopped doing it. I really meant to sit her down and discuss it with her, but somehow with the boyfriend not being in town for a while and my being less of a stand-in for him, we just didn't have the oomph to get together. Which made me sad. But it also made me understand fully that we weren't in a triad - we were in a V where we all just hung out together too much and weren't allowing the individual relationships room to grow.

So here we are. And it feels much better to me. I feel confident that their relationship is getting stronger, and so does Boyfriend #2. I don't know how she feels about it because I avoid discussing the relationship for now. When they have their own strength and I'm not horning in on that emotional space, hopefully we'll be able to discuss it as friends, and offer each other support from a different perspective. And of course I still want to play board games with her when we can all find time. She's interesting and funny and I enjoy her company.

My relationship with #2 is feeling really strong. This relationship is important to me, and after a year together I think we're both feeling maybe there's a future of some sort here. Now we get to do the exciting and terrifying work of figuring out what that might be.

More on change coming up soon... In the meantime, have a fabulous weekend everyone.

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