Poly & Out - Introducing Poly to Old Friends

So I had a school reunion last weekend. Most of these people I haven't seen, or been in contact with, for up to 25 years. I knew that two good friends, who I've been back in contact with for a few years, and who know about my poly life, would be there. And so I held my breath and made a big decision: I asked all three of my primary partners to come as my dates. They said yes.

I did this for several reasons. One was simply that I was scared of this whole reunion thing and I felt that having the support of all three of my loves would help a lot with that. One was that I figured I actually really don't need to impress these people in some 'look what an excellently functioning regular member of society I am way'. One was that I am just tired of always having to think, even if we're all going to a given event, 'who is my 'official' date and who is just there along with us' so that we don't confuse people. And one was 'f*%k it, I want to be allowed to bring my partners just like other people bring theirs and I don't want to have to pretend'.

So off we went, all pretty nervous about how this was going to go.

For the tl/dr: it went pretty fine.

I introduced the guys as my boyfriends and the girlfriend as my girlfriend. Some people did a double-take. Others just looked blank. A few people had accidentally already found out because one of my old friends had outed me. This part I actually really enjoyed. A girl from school said to my friend 'Yeah, I'll be there with my husband and my girlfriend and my girlfriend's girlfriend'. And my friend said 'Oh that's fantastic because AnotherCountryGirl is going to be there with all her partners so it's cool there'll be more than one poly group'. To which she got a blank stare, and realised that 'girlfriend' had meant 'friend who is a girl'. When she explained, everyone found it amusing and kind of cute. Not weird, just kind of cute and funny. I liked that.

Some people asked me questions. Some people chatted to my loves. Some people asked stupid questions (but obvious ones) like, 'so are you all going to have sex together when you get home?' The answer was 'we wouldn't normally and we're definitely going to be too tired after this anyway'. I danced with boyfriend #2 and girlfriend. We were all affectionate with each other, but not all PDA about it. People sat with us and seemed perfectly comfortable. Some people said clearly that they didn't get it, or that it wasn't for them, but they didn't say it judgementally and nobody said anything about us going to hell or anything like that.

I'm pretty damn sure there were plenty of tongues wagging off where we couldn't hear them. But on the whole everyone tried to be cool, and kind. And that's a win as far as I'm concerned.

So, here are the things I learned from this that may be useful:

1. First talk about doing something like this with your partners. Make sure everyone is on the same page and is comfortable with it. We didn't really talk about it enough and we landed up all being a bit unnecessarily stressed about the occasion.
   
2. It helps if there are one or two people at the occasion who already know your life choice and respect it. You feel more secure, and they can help mediate with others.
   
3. Nonchalance works quite well. People deal surprisingly well with 'So let me introduce you to my boyfriends and my girlfriend, this is Boyfriend 1, and Girlfriend, and Boyfriend 2. Guys, this is X. So, X, what are you up to these days....blah blah blah'. If you don't act like it's a huge deal, people are more inclined (it seems) to try and be cool.
   
4. Be normal. If you normally are affectionate with your partners in public spaces, that's fine. If you're normally quite restrained, that's fine too. It felt, to me, like us behaving in a way that was comfortable and regular for us made people feel comfortable with it.
   
5. Don't make everything about your situation. Introduce your partners. Answer questions if they're asked. But talk to other people and show interest in them and they'll soon be far more interested in themselves than in you.
   
6. Support your partners. If you're at an occasion that's more about one of you (like a reunion), they won't know anyone. Don't leave them in a corner. Introduce them to nice people and include them in conversation, dancing and so on. This goes for people with only one partner at something like this too. I saw a couple of bored-looking guys and girls sitting on the outskirts at this party, clearly wondering why the hell their partner found us all so charming.
   
7. Believe in yourself. Nobody has a right to question your choices. You don't need to be aggressive, just firm. If you're clear that you know your lifestyle is different, but it's not weird or creepy, and you're happy and fulfilled, it goes a long way.
   
8. Know that none of the above will stop asshats from being asshats. They are not your problem. Just walk away.

Nobody new this year

So the girlfriend and I made a deal at the beginning of the year: Nobody new this year. Basically, this meant that since I'm already so stretched in the cutlery department, it would be unwise for me to add any new romances to my timetable. So, ok. Since Kenny of the Glitter Girls is not available, I'm good with this plan.

Also, I don't really have much time to go out other than on dates with my loves, so it seems unlikely I'm going to meet anyone new. Despite the fact that I'm apparently constitutionally unable to go to a bar and *not* pick up someone cute or interesting. I have so many random phone numbers in my phone I am practically a walking little black book. Anyway, I digress...

This rule does not extend to my loves, obviously. As we know, Boyfriend #1 has a recently New Girlfriend, and that's going slowly but well. Boyfriend #2 also has a new girlfriend. She lives in another city so it's a bit long-distance. And I have some issues around that because he sucked at long-distance when I met him but now it seems fine. Then again, I've seen a photo of her and she's cute enough to make some long-distance effort for.

So I gained a metamor, lost a metamor and gained another new metamor. All in the space of the last few months. Oh, and perhaps I should mention that all the other girlfriends are at least ten years younger than me. More, actually. And oh the fun my tricksy brain is having with telling me I'm too old and boring and chubby to 'compete' with these lovely young things. Jealousy is a sneaky sneaky bastard. I tell it that I know perfectly well I'm sexalicious and it reminds me that I'm still a little overweight. I tell it that I know I'm interesting and mature and an awesome girlfriend (most of the time) and it points out how I'm not that great at doing the cooking and maybe the boy(s) would like someone a little less, well, loud, around. I tell it that I trust my loves when they tell me they love me and always will, and I'm going to tell them clearly what my needs are so that I feel loved and wanted and not insecure. Then it shuts up. For a bit.

Ain't no easy way around the jealousy toad. But with good communication and healthy metamor relations, you can stomp that guy pretty good.

Have a glorious weekend, everyone. Stay safe, wherever you are.

PS: Yes, I'm in the heartland of xenophobia at the moment, but I can't even talk about it because it just makes me too fucking sad.

This stuff is *hard*

Yeesh. It's hard. It really is. Here are some things that are making it hard for me right now:

1. Delusions of normalcy

Despite my self-education and the support of many wonderful people and the fact that polyamory is practically mainstream these days, I have these moments and even whole days when I think that there's something wrong with me. I think that there is a 'proper' and 'normal' way to do relationships and I'm not doing it right.

And then I hate myself for even thinking that. Because that is some stupid shit right there. But you can see how this little cycle is a pleasant one, emotionally.

2. Spoons

I prefer the term 'criplets', myself. Mostly because riffing on the theme of criplets is how Boyfriend #2 got me to fall for him virtually instantly at a party. I can't for the life of me remember where it comes from and of course if I google it I find all sorts of stuff about crippled people that suddenly makes it seem a wildly inappropriate term. I also don't know where 'spoons' come from, unless it's because there are *never* enough teaspoons in a given cutlery drawer.

In any case, this refers to 'units of time and energy'. So I might have enough time to fit in a date, but not enough energy, or vice-versa. Or I may really want to have a date but I have neither the time nor the energy to do so. That's emotional, physical, sexual etc energy, btw. Love may be unlimited, but criplets/ spoons necessarily are.

Oh and my spoons are prrrreeettty stretched. Stretched spoons. Three committed romantic partners plus two teenagers plus challenging job plus friends. Streeeettttccchhhheed.

3. Just bloody life

I like routine. Without routine, there is nothing to rebel against. Without routine, I get a bit lost. I like organisation, and planning. I don't mind spontaneity, as long as you remember the blanket and the cheese knife and the condoms in your spontaneous packing. Without planning, I feel overwhelmed.

Life does not give a hoot about my desire for routine and planning. Life will throw in sickness and dead car batteries and missing cats and school projects and whatever it bloody likes and I will feel completely overwhelmed. But because I am organisyplannychick, my partners will expect that I will take it in stride and work with it. And then I cry a bit and feel sorry for myself. If I let them see that and don't carry on trying to organise and plan shit regardless, they help me to feel better.

4. Metamors

I gained a metamor earlier this year. A metamor is a partner's partner, in case you were wondering. So Boyfriend #1 has the wonderful New Girlfriend. I like her so much. I like her boyfriend so much. I'm still terrified. And dealing with the weird jealousy and insecurity is scary as shit. I think I'm doing ok. I hope.

I lost a metamor a few weeks ago. That was sad but necessary. I feel like we've been mourning it since then and I'm a little over that. I totally understand that Boyfriend #2 needs to work his way through this. It's just one of the weird things about poly: you get to be in a relationship with someone while they're going through the hard work of getting over another relationship. Hmm, I think that might be a whole 'nother blog post.

5. Space

My two boyfriends are living together in one big house. The big house that I will be moving into, with my kids, in a few months. So at the moment I live somewhere between my house and that house. It feels very unsettled. And I don't know where my space is. I have to figure this out.

Ok. That's my whine for today. Feel free to ask if I've just said a bunch of confusing stuff that makes no sense. I have a feeling this year is going to be a steep learning curve for my whole poly family, so best I make sense when I write about it if it's going to be of use to anyone else.