Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Absence and the heart

I'm excited today. I haven't seen boyfriend #2 for quite a while. I think it's probably only been a month, but it feels very long. I'm used to not seeing him during the week, but seeing him every weekend. He has had another friend visiting, and there was some romantic potential. When he told us she was coming, we all thought we'd get to meet her, and also to see him, while she was here. It didn't work out that way. So it's been a while, and today he is coming to visit.

I have missed him terribly, and at the same time it's been fine. I've been frustrated, because I know there's lots going on around this visit, which he doesn't communicate because he really can only talk about important things in person. Texting is just too alien for him when it comes to personal stuff. And at the same time that's been fine. For some days, when she first arrived, he didn't communicate at all. That wasn't really fine. Mostly because I'm deeply paranoid and require proof of life at least every 48 hours or my brain concocts dreadful car accidents or mysterious sudden illnesses. Also because #2 knows this, and knows that girlfriend #2 and I need a little acknowledgement from time to time. But then he came back online, and since then he's been pretty good about responding to messages. And sensitive and caring in his responses.

I've missed him a lot, but I don't feel like a part of me is missing. And that is a really good thing. We're so ingrained to feel that a lover or partner fills some missing piece of our personal jigsaw that often we don't feel whole unless we're with that person. Now, there's something to be said for partners who balance you, or help you fill in your own blanks in some way. It's something I like in my partners - between them they make me more of the person I am, and want to be. But if you're relying on one person to complete you in some way, you're going to come short. All of us are wandering this world feeling like there are pieces missing. It's simply the way of life. Nobody can fill your missing pieces except you. And it is much, much easier to live the poly lifestyle if you understand that.

I am not responsible for my partners' happiness. I am responsible for ensuring that I don't hurt them, or cause them unhappiness. I am responsible for keeping promises to be there for them if they need me, in happiness or unhappiness. But their happiness, and finding their missing pieces, is up to them. I can't save them from the world. And they can't save me. We can hold hands, though, and that feels really good.

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