Thursday, 2 October 2014

Time management. Oh boy.

I'm going to jump around a lot, I'm afraid. I'll talk about what's concerning me or what I'm thinking about at the time. Sorry if that's confusing.

Right now, I'm at an interesting phase. When I met boyfriend #2... Eesh, I hate referring to them like this. But for now we'll stick with it, okay? I'll figure something out. So, when I met boyfriend #2 I had no idea I was going to fall for him and want something long-term. Less still that he'd feel similarly (and more on my insecurities about how he actually feels in a different post). And I knew he was planning to leave town some time this year. Consequently, boyfriend #1 had no problems allowing the extra time it would take to get to know this new guy, and see where it went. This was compounded by the fact that #2 could only really spend time with me on weekends. And so it began, and before we all knew it there was the triad (yeah, more on that... lots more on that, in upcoming posts), and my weekends were pretty much full. But always #2 was going to be leaving any day now. Then he did leave. Well. He said goodbye. It was pretty traumatic for all of us. We all, including he, thought he'd be gone for several months. And he will be, some time. Just, well... plans did not work out and now he is still here, and will be for a few months more, we think.

And now, here's the thing. For this whole year it's been like we were playing at this relationship. And at the triad. We were serious, are serious, about each other. We intend to continue. But he has things to do first. Except now that we've realised how we were just kind of living in a strange bubble, we can't do that any more. We have to treat things properly. I'm being kind of vague here. To illustrate: I had reached a point where I didn't believe he really wanted to be in a romantic relationship with me. I expected that when he returned we would turn out to just be friends. I didn't actually discuss this with him. I just decided that's what he was projecting. And I didn't want him to have to deal with a dramatic or upset girlfriend when he had to leave, so I just didn't say anything. And then he didn't leave, and so I told him how I felt. And I was wrong, it turns out. Quite wrong. Huh. Who'da thunk? And now we've had that conversation, including why I didn't tell him about it before. Things are different now.

Going back to boyfriend #1. He's a bit over the not seeing me on weekends and he's really had about enough of the disney chemicals (polyspeak for how you go gaga over someone new you're falling in love with). He wants to have reasonable weekend time with me, and he's absolutely right.

But, damnit, #2 is still actually going to be leaving. And it's still not that far off. Only now it's worse because now we're trying to build this relationship properly and not just shove the difficult bits under the rug. And he's still pretty much only available on weekends.

How do I do this, reader? Well, I'll keep you posted. Step 1 is a talk with the boys. Step 2 is to talk with the girlfriends, who also want my time; and of course girlfriend #2 wants boyfriend #2's time and attention as well (you see how this codename thing is going to be annoying very soon?). A very important step is not to feel that this is entirely my responsibility. That's too much for me to take on. Everyone has to speak up for their needs and wants, and help the rest of us to find ways to accommodate that. Otherwise it'll just land up with none of us really getting what we want. Ha! You see. Right there. Important poly tip. Know what you need and want and be prepared to speak up for it. (Caveat: don't be a dick about it though.)

1 comment:

  1. I think you have some great insights into how to handle the complicated business of multiple relationships. I particularly like the point about speaking up for what you want and also not taking on that responsibility for everyone else. I think this translates equally to mono relationships.


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